1. Q&A: Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA) - Thursday 27 Sept, 3-4pm

    Power of attorney (LPA) is a legal tool that gives another adult - often a carer or family member - the legal authority to make decisions on behalf of someone with dementia, if they become unable to themselves.

    Our next expert Q&A will be hosted by Flora and Helen from our Knowledge Services team. They will be answering your questions on LPA on Thursday 27 September from 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Sexuality

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Talking Point' started by Colonial, Jul 13, 2018.

  1. Colonial

    Colonial New member

    Jul 13, 2018
    3
    My husband is moderate/moving downward Alzheimer's. I haven't seen this discussed in any forums and would appreciate some help and insight. He is making sexual demands and I don't have any interest in complying. My interest in this subject is nonexistent. Hes a dear man but has difficulty with some anger accepting my calm and caring response. Is this a situation others have confronted?
     
  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Volunteer Host

    Jul 23, 2017
    2,689
    Male
    N Ireland
    Hello and welcome to TP. I hope you find the forum a friendly, informative and supportive place.

    It is likely that some other members will be able to relate their experiences with this issue. In the meantime you can find the AS Factsheet that discusses sex issues by following this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites.../factsheet_sex_and_intimate_relationships.pdf
     
  3. cuppatea

    cuppatea Registered User

    Oct 28, 2016
    387
    South Wales
    Yes. It went on for a long time in various forms - OH wanting to find porn on TV or computer, or wanting me to find it for him, (I didn't), or announcing he wanted to bonk someone randomly - I warned the carers but he did not approach them etc. The CPN when I finally saw her said - "it's a stage and it will pass". It's now a year later and indeed it has passed. I suppose it lasted 6 to 8 endless worrying months. I dealt with it by dismissing it then changing the subject. I wish you strength. Towards the end of the period he was put onto Memantine because of his anger and aggression. Maybe that helped I don't know. It didn't diminish the aggression or anger, but that has now lessened a bit. This disease really keeps you on you toes, on a roller coaster wondering what's next. Well done for asking the question, I found it so difficult to raise the subject and it was such a relief to do so. Keep posting and good luck.
     
  4. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,271
    Actually, this is something that has been discussed on this forum. Perhaps not frequently but it's not uncommon.

    I very much hope that posters that have experienced this will come forward. But I just want to assure you that you aren't alone in experiencing this.
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    6,953
    Female
    South coast
    I am someone in your position. He wants to make love to me, but it is unfortunately yet another lost skill. I tried facilitating him for a while, but I got no pleasure from it and, in fact, he used to (unintentionally) hurt me. He has also changed and I no longer see myself as a wife. I am his housekeeper, lodger, nurse, whipping boy and companion, but unless he wants something from me I am no longer even in his mind - I am like someone he met at a bus stop.
    Since then he has turned to solo sex, but it seems (far from dying down) to have escalated over the last two or three years years - first with using porn (and this was a complete change for him), then with obtaining viagra (to "enhance" the porn) and now with it happening outside.
    I dont know what the answer is, but I know that explanations and reasoning dont work - he is unable to understand what the problems are and thinks that what he is doing is normal, so it is me that has the problem!
     
  6. Soobee

    Soobee Registered User

    Aug 22, 2009
    2,738
    South
  7. Colonial

    Colonial New member

    Jul 13, 2018
    3
     
  8. Colonial

    Colonial New member

    Jul 13, 2018
    3
    Bless you and thank you for sharing your experience. It's just emotionally painful to have this almost stranger groping me. That it is just another stage, is hopeful. Indeed, the carer does not know what is next and it can change daily. Strength to all of us.
     
  9. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    1,772
    Nottinghamshire
    Oh Helen. This must be so difficult to deal with! My dad has his moments when he thinks one of his carers is there to service his needs!! 2 years ago it was caused by a change in meds, I've no idea what caused the latest incident.

    I remember one person who used to say to her husband, when he made unwelcome advances, "but we just did it this morning. Can we wait until tomorrow...?" And it worked for her.

    In the case of dad's carer - she left in a hurry as she couldn't talk him down.
    But we haven't had another incident since.
     
  10. imsoblue

    imsoblue Registered User

    Feb 19, 2018
    341
    I've had this also. Once I participated and next time I had to say no. He's not in love with me. I feel like @canary, she described it perfectly. Plus was he after me or some porn saw he visited? He originally blamed his new addiction on his medication which he is no longer on. However, sex/porn is a characteristic of dementia. I have asked him to refrain when I was in the house. He wouldn't. My first clue was having the porn sounds coming over my Alexa in the den of my house! I told him the grandkids may be there one day. No use. My fear is what does it lead to if it doesn't stop? One good thing to count for him being in a CH.
     

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