1. Celestine

    Celestine Registered User

    Nov 13, 2014
    7
    My Mum is always coming up with new challenges for me. I wish I could be one step ahead of her but caring for someone with dementia is a learning curve all the time for me. I feel a bit disloyal posting on here about such a private matter however it is anonymous. Mum phoned last night to say she wanted a tea party for her two male neighbours (in their 80s) as she still felt quite young (she will be 87 this year). But the purpose of this party was to further the relationships in a sexual direction. She seems to be becoming frustrated in this department. I immediately told her one of them has a lady friend already and that made her think. I have several concerns:
    1) I want to make sure Mum's needs are met in an appropriate manner 2) I hope the relationship with her neighbours does not get damaged. 3) It feels like another thing to worry about for me. e.g. what is she going to say to them? Should I have a chat with the neighbours or will it make it worse? Has anyone had a similar experience?
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,914
    Kent
    I can`t offer any advice @Celestine but I do know it is quite usual for some people with dementia to lose all inhibitions. What they may have been horrified with at one time seems perfectly natural for them now.

    I hope others with this experience will be able to advise you. I can only suggest you consult your mother`s doctor rather than her neighbours. Speaking to them might frighten them away [ or not ] or it might change their opinion of your mother which is best avoided at all costs.
     
  3. Fullticket

    Fullticket Registered User

    Apr 19, 2016
    460
    Chard, Somerset
    My mum had boyfriends well into her 80s. Unfortunately there was a particular one who really took advantage of her and before we stepped in he had 'borrowed' money from her, she had paid for most of his son's wedding (he was in his 60s!) and was performing all sorts of acts with her, sometimes bringing 'friends' with him.
    My mum was always a bit of a girl and despite staying married to my dad we all knew she had had numerous affairs, so in one sense, especially after my dad died, we had to go with the flow so to speak.
    I would let those involved know that you know, keep an eye out for inappropriate relationships by dropping in unexpectedly and, sadly, look out for disappearing money/possessions.
     
  4. Celestine

    Celestine Registered User

    Nov 13, 2014
    7
     
  5. Celestine

    Celestine Registered User

    Nov 13, 2014
    7
    Thanks both for your advice and sorry to hear about about your mum's experiences Fullticket, that's quite shocking. Social services refer to people like my Mum as vulnerable adults and this certainly feels like a good example of that phrase. Someone coming into their life from the outside is another worry. I did think about seeing the doctor but first I will chat to the Memory Nurse as I've just realized she has an appointment coming up.
     
  6. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    860
    @Celestine my husband had an experience similar to what you're describing with one of our neighbours who had dementia. The background was that both my husband and I had been friendly over the years with a couple who lived opposite us . Unfortunately the husband died and his widow developed vascular dementia we were familiar with the type of behaviour and symptoms as my mother-in-law already had mixed dementia. My husband has the same name as her late husband and I think that was one of the things that triggered the type of behaviour that my husband found difficult to deal with. As she was on her own my husband would occasionally help out with domestic type things like fix the washing machine etc . One evening he went over there to help her out with a domestic task and it was obvious that she was very flirtatious and was inadequately dressed. She had a dressing gown on and not much underneath and was opening her dressing gown to display her fine features. She was telling my husband about the decorator had been having sex with the woman next door. My husband quickly got the idea what she wanted.

    He told her in a sort of jokey way that there was no way anything was happening. He was obviously taken aback by this behaviour but tried to deal with it by distracting her getting her to make her a cup of tea while he fixed the light. He decided this was a better play than trying to make a big scene out of it and rushing out of the house he was afraid that she would follow him out of the house opposite into our place. She appeared to quickly forget about the few moments before and he was able to leave on a friendly note . We were already in touch with her daughter so he phoned her the following day and let her know what had happened. As we were familiar with my mother-in-law's behaviour which had also started to become less inhibited we took this type of thing in our stride. If the neighbours to your mum are unfamiliar with the type of behaviour that is associated with dementia then this might come as a bit of a shock. I'm just wondering whether the neighbours actually know that your mum has dementia? Personally I would let them know about this behaviour or potential behaviour and that it is a possible symptom of her mental health
     

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