1. Magnetic

    Magnetic Registered User

    Apr 18, 2016
    2
    I continually feel guilty for avoiding sex with my husband.I feel no desire for him now. Does anyone relate to this ?
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,072
    Female
    South coast
    Absolutely. Its not talked about often, but i think its very common
     
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,263
    Yorkshire
  4. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,463
    Female
    Scotland
    I was just listening to that link tonight on a podcast. It was interesting but of course there is no solution. It at least helps to know that you are not alone with your own changed feelings for the person you are looking after.
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,430
    Kent
    I have found this topic too personal to discuss with anyone but even though the desire may be lost I considered it a way of providing comfort for my husband and thus an act of love.
     
  6. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    18,135
    Male
    North Manchester
  7. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,153
    Female
    South of the Border
    I had wondered about this kind of thing. My OH lost all thoughts of intimacy in the very early stages of his dementia, and initially I was quite upset and offended, until we had the diagnosis and I realised it was not him - it was the disease.
    We have not shared a room for almost 2 years because of his general ill health anyway.
    It makes me sad, and I would like even a hug again to make me feel more human..........
     
  8. Wifenotcarer

    Wifenotcarer Registered User

    Mar 11, 2018
    174
    My problem is that OH is constantly trying to grope me, which is very offputting, especially when he has just called me his Mother, or recently MY Mother. He comes saying he is needing a Hug which would be fine (I like a hug too) but the hug ALWAYS turns into a groping session. He is like a teenage boy saying ''you show me yours and I'll show you mine''. He seems to have an antenna that detects bare flesh, such that he appears immediately if I am getting changed or washed. I deploy various distraction techniques. The one that works best is if I tell him that a visitor is about to arrive. He also stops immediately if the phone rings. Thankfully, he only 'tries it on' when we are alone. I tried for a bit to grit my teeth and submit, thinking that might satisfy him, but found that this only made him more persistant and upset because he cannot physically take it any further.

    I love/loved him very much and was a more than willing partner in the sexual side of our 50+ marriage but really find the current demands disgusting - one of the worst bits of our situation.
     
  9. Starbright

    Starbright Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    382
    Female
    Me too@Wifenotcarer, that’s exactly what happens here he’s like a homing pigeon on radar , oh how I wish for a little privacy :(... it helps when others understand.

    Thanks so much A x (( here’s a normal hug )) :)
     
  10. Sarahdun

    Sarahdun Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    238
    My OH grew (or maybe regressed) out of this eventually. The next stage was wishing he had a ‘lady friend’ or thinking random women he met were after him. Now he is like a little boy with seemingly no sexual awareness whatsoever. So ‘hopefully’ your husbands will regress past this stage too. Sympathies!!
     
  11. Ramona Hernadez

    Ramona Hernadez New member

    Dec 23, 2018
    1
    I am going through this stage now. I hesitate to ask but has it got better for you?
     
  12. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,721
    Merseyside
    Welcome to TP @Ramona Hernadez
     
  13. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    8,174
    leicester
  14. Wifenotcarer

    Wifenotcarer Registered User

    Mar 11, 2018
    174
    Yes, I am pleased to report that his urges have become less frequent and less persistent. Whether this is due to him moving into a different stage or due to the fact that he is now, reluctantly, wearing pull-ups for incontinence (total passion killers for him and me). I/We are now able to have a big comfort hug without this turning into something else
     
  15. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    1,903
    Love is all that matters, people show it in different ways, it is very private as Granny G said, I think what she was implying is passion can become compassion.
    Intimacy, touch, hugs, hand holding, a touch, a kiss in passing, all these can give reassurance, comfort. I understand this is not the whole answer.
    Perhaps if intimacy is fulfilled some demands fall into place. At least for some.
    Once duty comes in it becomes cold perhaps.
    Language is too cut and dried, emotions are fluid. What is right for one may not be for others.
     
  16. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,072
    Female
    South coast
    I suspect that people who have posted on this thread to say that it is a problem are people who, like me, are unable to acquiesce to their demands. If it were able to be solved by an act of comfort it would be easy - and I tried that for a long time. My problem was/is that this has become for my OH yet another lost skill - so much so that he would actually hurt me and it did not provide any comfort for him, so I refused. This meant, however, that he would be constantly pestering me - give him an inch and he would take a mile so that I could not even hug him or give him a peck on the cheek.
     
  17. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    1,903
    This must be so sad for you, Canary. You must look after your own needs and safety. I do think this is a issue that needs airing and solutions found.
    It needs more expertise than I have. We do have the most difficult of tasks and this is one of the hardest.
    As I have already said It is an area that needs to be in the open so that solutions may be found.

    Look after yourself, x
     
  18. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,463
    Female
    Scotland
    This forum should be able to discuss discreetly any issue which causes concern to people with dementia or their carers. It is sad when intimacy goes for whatever reason but sadder still when partners behave in ways that are distressing. We are all adults and can decide which of the topics raised in the forum we want to be involved in. I hope this next year of 2019 will be as useful to our members as previous years have been to me.
     
  19. Ruth1974

    Ruth1974 Registered User

    Dec 26, 2018
    25
    No. I am trying to get my head around washing him and revolted by the idea. I could probably wash a stranger more easily.
     
  20. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,463
    Female
    Scotland
    @Ruth1974 you can get carers in the morning to wash and shave etc. Ask for a needs assessment from Social services and a carers assessment for yourself.
     

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