I'm 63 and my husband is 86 and we've been together for almost 40 years. I have yet to go through the formal diagnosis process (we see the GP this week) but I have no doubt that he is suffering from dementia and has been for a while. He recently had a fall and although there appeared to be no damage beyond a dislocated thumb things have taken a sharp turn for the worse. I am now having to dress him and look after him in a way I haven't had to do before and the husband with whom I've had a lively, loving relationship is no more but the trouble is he still wants sex, if anything more often than before. I'm sure many people reading this will agree that for them sex is always much more than a physical commitment, for it to work there's got to be an emotional and dare I say it intellectual connection / respect as well. I find that in the absence of this I really don't "fancy" him and find it impossible to work up the required degree of enthusiasm. I've tried saying no or finding excuses but it makes life so unpleasant that I end up giving in. If he were in possession of all his faculties the situation would be totally different and we would be able to discuss any such problems honestly but that isn't an option now. Any similar experiences or helpful suggestions would be very welcome.
Sex and Dementia
- Thread starter j3obc
- Start date
This subject is one of the most personal and private and I imagine it will be difficult for most of us to post of our experiences on a public forum.
It does`t mean you should`t have asked . It`s just so understandable if no one responds.
I suppose it`s easier here where there is anonymity , than face to face at support groups and I do hope you get some responses, even by Private messages.
It does`t mean you should`t have asked . It`s just so understandable if no one responds.
I suppose it`s easier here where there is anonymity , than face to face at support groups and I do hope you get some responses, even by Private messages.
Welcome to TP
The good thing on this forum that it is as anonymous as one wants to be
I have no experience or words of wisdom but I am sure someone will come on here with more support/advice. I only know my MIL has become obsessed with sex talk although as far as I am aware
these things are not fulfilled. She s much more 'feely' with men than she used to be though. Oh it is rather delicate
The good thing on this forum that it is as anonymous as one wants to be
I have no experience or words of wisdom but I am sure someone will come on here with more support/advice. I only know my MIL has become obsessed with sex talk although as far as I am aware
these things are not fulfilled. She s much more 'feely' with men than she used to be though. Oh it is rather delicate I don't know if this link will help. It does state that many with dementia's sex drive changes
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=129
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=129
I can understand the discomfort you feel at being confronted by these sexual demands and your own emotional welfare is important too. You may find it difficult to find support without a diagnosis. It is often hard enough to find support with a diagnosis.
I do feel it is important to talk to the doctor about this as it can help with accurate diagnosis. Once your husband has a consultant, it may be found in your husband's best interest to be given medication to reduce libido.
If you feel you need support you might find it helpful talking to an outreach worker of your local branch of the Alzheimers Society or the Carers Association.
Love
I do feel it is important to talk to the doctor about this as it can help with accurate diagnosis. Once your husband has a consultant, it may be found in your husband's best interest to be given medication to reduce libido.
If you feel you need support you might find it helpful talking to an outreach worker of your local branch of the Alzheimers Society or the Carers Association.
Love
Hi
I had a very similar situation. In fact my husband did not even think of where we were and would grab and fondle me and rub up against me any time, any place, any where!
Apart from the embarrassment of it happening in public, it became dangerous when it was in the kitchen whilst I was preparing food and cooking . It was very upsetting.
I spoke with his psychiatrist who prescribed Benperidol which is used for unsocial behaviour. However it did have quite bad side effects and he ended up in hospital.
That was 3 years ago and his dementia has progressed now so all he does sleep and eat so it is no longer a problem.
I do sympathise and urge you to speak to your doctor
I had a very similar situation. In fact my husband did not even think of where we were and would grab and fondle me and rub up against me any time, any place, any where!
Apart from the embarrassment of it happening in public, it became dangerous when it was in the kitchen whilst I was preparing food and cooking . It was very upsetting.
I spoke with his psychiatrist who prescribed Benperidol which is used for unsocial behaviour. However it did have quite bad side effects and he ended up in hospital.
That was 3 years ago and his dementia has progressed now so all he does sleep and eat so it is no longer a problem.
I do sympathise and urge you to speak to your doctor
What a wonderful place TP is. You always find that you're not alone. John and I had a healthy and happy sex life until a few years ago when, to put it delicately, he found it hard to rise to the occasion.
Now, he doesn't appear to have that problem, and in fact, it's evident to all to see that he doesn't have that problem, be it in the doctor's surgery, shops, wherever. But, like you, j30bc, I can't reciprocate these feelings.
Personally, I would rather eat my own liver than discuss this with my GP, or anyone else, whereas the anonymity of TP is far more acceptable. Just another weed in the garden that is AD!
You always find that you're not alone. John and I had a healthy and happy sex life until a few years ago when, to put it delicately, he found it hard to rise to the occasion. Now, he doesn't appear to have that problem, and in fact, it's evident to all to see that he doesn't have that problem, be it in the doctor's surgery, shops, wherever. But, like you, j30bc, I can't reciprocate these feelings.
Personally, I would rather eat my own liver than discuss this with my GP, or anyone else, whereas the anonymity of TP is far more acceptable. Just another weed in the garden that is AD!
My husband has prostate problems and hasn't been able to rise to occasion for many years. About two months ago he forgot that we had not been active for several years. He demanded to not be ignored any longer about this situation. I told him that if he even pointed that thing at me I'd break it off. That sunk in.
We were at the doctors office and he asked for Viagra. I told the doctor that if she prescribed it that I would file for divorce as soon as possible. That part of my life is over and I feel no need to resurrect the dead. This probably won't help you any but I've gotten to the time in my life where my body belongs to me and I don't want to be touched that way. I'm sure some other of you feel that way too although I've never really asked anyone else. Ok, just my two cents.
We were at the doctors office and he asked for Viagra. I told the doctor that if she prescribed it that I would file for divorce as soon as possible. That part of my life is over and I feel no need to resurrect the dead. This probably won't help you any but I've gotten to the time in my life where my body belongs to me and I don't want to be touched that way. I'm sure some other of you feel that way too although I've never really asked anyone else. Ok, just my two cents.
My husband has Alzheimers. He's 70, diagnosed a couple of year's ago. I've just had my 65th birthday. He's always been pretty keen on sex, but my interest is fading - should I say "has faded" - over the last few years? It seems pretty important to him, but he can't remember much, and to be honest, his spirit is always willing but the flesh is weak. So, he's keen every day but I say to him there's little point as it won't work because it's too soon since the last time! About once a week I feel mean to keep putting him off and so we cuddle and on some occasions he gets great joy (I lie back and think of England, or the washing that needs doing or what we'll have for dinner) and it's no great hardship and he's happy and life goes on. When he's eager tomorrow I say it's far too soon, and he accepts that. Am I lucky that he's happy to accept my decision? I don't know. It's not something I ever expected to face - a husband with Alzheimers, that is, and I don't know how to play the game. Lots to learn but at the moment he is amenable to what I suggest, and seems happy with life. That is something to keep going on. Good luck with your husband - oh dear - 86!!! I was hoping he'd have grown out of it by then.
Thank you so much for posting this. My husband also has prostate problems and has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimers. He seems to becoming more and more interested in sex and it is not something I really want at my age - as you say - my body now belongs just to me!! In any case without medication he has rarely achieved success but now he seems intent on touching me at the slightest opportunity and his talk seems to be turned towards sexual inuendo. The other day we were out and saw someone with twins and his reaction was "oh they must have had it twice in a night" and the other evening we saw a lady with a very (too) low cut top and he had to comment about it (hope she didn't hear). The nurse at the dementia clinic said I should just say to him "dirty old sod" but that is not me or something I could bring myself to say. Hope it isnt going to get any worse than it is now. He seems to think that I am constantly depriving him - which I am - but when he has been nasty all day and just sat in a chair - I really don't feel so inclined. We do not have any close family and I feel very alone at times dealing with all the issues around dementia.
I am in exactly the same situation. My husband has changed and become demanding but I am not interested, especially when he has been bad tempered all day and sat around doing nothing while I work around him and then cook him a meal which he eats without a thank you. He also keeps touching me and everything seems to be turned into some sort of sexual inuendo which is driving me crazy.
You are not alone x
You are not alone x
I'm horrified that your dementia nurse should tell you to say to your husband "dirty old sod"! He has no idea that what he is doing is wrong, and it's another awful side of AD.
I've recently posted that my husband made verbal sexual advances to our daughter, but I know that it wasn't My John who was talking, but this stranger he has become.
He has no idea that what he is doing is wrong, and it's another awful side of AD.I've recently posted that my husband made verbal sexual advances to our daughter, but I know that it wasn't My John who was talking, but this stranger he has become.
I'm glad to see this subject and thread being responded to and discussed.....I am sure many more have these problems and suffer in silence....just a thought, the nurse calling him a dirty old sod could have been trying to "lighten and normalise" the situation in her own way for you
I'm horrified that your dementia nurse should tell you to say to your husband "dirty old sod"!
I agree. A very unprofessional response.
Hello - I am so proud that this Forum is adult enough to discus a problem that will, almost certainly, arise at some stage when a much loved partner has Alzheimer's.
I am a fairly lively and active 75, and have been happily married to Michael for over 50 years.
Michael is 88 - and is probably heading towards the later stages of Alzheimer's.
He no longer seems to need sex, and certainly would find it difficult to manage; but he still enjoys a cuddle, and any display of affection I care to offer.
He has become more like my very clingy child than the intelligent, lively man I married.
I ask myself, if he were not so changed, would I still wish to have sex with an 88 year old man?
I am pretty sure that if he were in his right mind, he would not want to make love to an 88 year old woman.
So possibly it is not the illness, but the advancing age of either ourselves, or our partners that can make some of us reluctant to share our bodies?
I's desperately sad, but is probably much more common in the older generation at large than many of us realise.
Naturally, there will always be those who are able to keep, 'at it' well into their eighties or even nineties - but most of us lesser beings are not so blessed.
I am a fairly lively and active 75, and have been happily married to Michael for over 50 years.
Michael is 88 - and is probably heading towards the later stages of Alzheimer's.
He no longer seems to need sex, and certainly would find it difficult to manage; but he still enjoys a cuddle, and any display of affection I care to offer.
He has become more like my very clingy child than the intelligent, lively man I married.
I ask myself, if he were not so changed, would I still wish to have sex with an 88 year old man?
I am pretty sure that if he were in his right mind, he would not want to make love to an 88 year old woman.
So possibly it is not the illness, but the advancing age of either ourselves, or our partners that can make some of us reluctant to share our bodies?
I's desperately sad, but is probably much more common in the older generation at large than many of us realise.
Naturally, there will always be those who are able to keep, 'at it' well into their eighties or even nineties - but most of us lesser beings are not so blessed.
I am 63 and my husband is 81. We have been married for nearly 40 years. He has not, as some have aptly put it, been able to rise to the occasion for some time, eight years or so ago he insisted on trying Viagra, which didn't really help much I was very relieved to find!
It just seems that the age gap, that has made no difference for the majority of our marriage, is now a yawning divide and to be honest I feel more as if I'm looking after my father than my partner. I couldn't imagine having sex with him now.
All of the things I had hoped we might still be able to do together once I retired (still work full time) are now impossible due to his dementia and general health, but selfishly I feel that the next few years are, fingers crossed, my narrow window of opportunity to do things I've always wanted to do after all the years of working, looking after him and bringing up our family.
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