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Settling in period - in jeopardy

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Fiona P, Feb 16, 2015.

  1. Fiona P

    Fiona P Registered User

    Dec 14, 2014
    Dad - doing ok
    Moved him from temporary home to this permanent place two Tuesdays ago. He is polite and mannerly to everyone . talks about Olive ( his wife) all the time still saying about going home - he does not know where home is because when at home I'd be called to take him home.

    As an engineer he is always looking at ways out. trying to unlock a window with a banana was one scenario last week !
    The home staff are delightful and very switched on to his needs - he is one on one and challenging but they are confident. He hardly sleeps, instead he goes round at night with the staff doing jobs and helping.

    I am, as is mum, keen to have him settle without fuss however ( and here is the dilema). MY sister is a trouble maker - estranged by the family 4 years ago after an embarrassing family disagreement - parents want nothing to do with her and the grandchildren have not been near for 4 years. She has found out dad is in care and demanding she sees him.
    Sadly she is not the type to follow the strategies we all have to ensure dad is content. she wont follow the rules of no questions, no contradiction and no. she will cause upset and leave him emotionally unstable ... My mum does not want her visiting, he had nothing to do with her. Do we have any rights to stop her seeing her father?
    The care home have listened to our concerns and visitors need ID - so they have taken it seriously.

    we could all do without this stress especially as the grandson turned up to mum( 80 yrs old) door yesterday threatening her and demanding info :mad:
  2. Adcat

    Adcat Registered User

    Jun 15, 2014
    Hi FionaP,
    I don't know what advice to offer you. I'm only writing as I have very difficult relationships with my siblings and I am sure that I will end up in a similar situation in the future.
    Take care and keep posting
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Difficult relatives can cause many sleepless nights. A distant relative of my husband's is always out there on the horizon ready to be a problem if I don't take care. The steps you have taken so far seem the right ones re the care home but I would be concerned about young people being pushy with your elderly Mum.

    Try to be firm but calm. Nasty people get a kick out of stirring it up.
  4. Fiona P

    Fiona P Registered User

    Dec 14, 2014
    Mum met with police today and filed her interview - one more visit and they will do something

    he is a 23 year old bully like his father and mother are - the right way is by the law being aware

    the care home will be notified of this too
  5. Miss shiraz

    Miss shiraz Registered User

    Dec 24, 2014
    Would your sister find out where he is living? Maybe the best (and kindest) is that she is not told where exactly he is living. Out of courtesy you could perhaps write to update her on the situation and she may like to write back but why should she be allowed to visit, given she hasn't in the last 4 years and will create trouble and upset . You can then chose what you do with the letter..
    i agree that your dad shouldn't be upset by her behaviour, undoing all the hard work you've done over the years, setting and abiding by the 'rules' so they're not anxious. You and your mum don't need it at this time of your dad's life.
    She's made her bed...... may seem harsh but my family have not always behaved as family should...
  6. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    North East
    What an awful situation for you and your mum. I'm sure if someone like your sister or her children turn up at the care home, I'm guessing they don't know which one, then the care home manager will not allow them to see your father alone if at all. He is a vulnerable adult and you have warned them that this would potentially upset him. I would think that the staff would protect him in every manner possible.
    Glad your mum has contacted the police, why on earth should she feel scared in her own home. Even if he comes round again but she doesn't answer the door try and get her to record this all and report it to the police.

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