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sept 21

PalSal

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
926
0
Pratteln Switzerland
Two months today Nick has been living in the CH
As I have said the experience and reality of the CH did not align with my expectations.
Last night, a few family and friends gathered outside at the home of a couple who have hosted our American Thanksgiving potluck feast for the last 25 years. Only 10 people allowed to gather outside at a private home and we had beverages outside under the half moonlight, for about one hour and 10 minutes. We all brought our usual specialties, I made the pumpkin and pecan pies. I felt very outside the group, a bit of an alien, somehow. I am sure it is just me. The everything was divided up and we each took the feast to our own homes for eating. I ate with my son and my daughter's little family. So, that was lovely.

But everything celebratory seems odd and strange without Nick, he is alive but not a part of life. I am not sure how to deal with it. It feels rather false to be joyful without him especially while it does not seem possible that he will have any joy again. Many of on TP wrote and share about the issues of going on with our life. I really thought I had always done this over the last years. Last year Nick did not attend this celebration because of incontinence issues, and I left early last year as it was painful. It is different each holiday wondering what we are to do.
What do you do when your OH is in a CH? Unless he is vastly improved by Christmas there is no way he can come to a Christmas feast with the children and grandchildren even the current scaled back version....but perhaps he will be able too.. I cannot imagine. Do some of you just spend the day at the CH with your OH?
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
2,807
0
Two months today Nick has been living in the CH
As I have said the experience and reality of the CH did not align with my expectations.
Last night, a few family and friends gathered outside at the home of a couple who have hosted our American Thanksgiving potluck feast for the last 25 years. Only 10 people allowed to gather outside at a private home and we had beverages outside under the half moonlight, for about one hour and 10 minutes. We all brought our usual specialties, I made the pumpkin and pecan pies. I felt very outside the group, a bit of an alien, somehow. I am sure it is just me. The everything was divided up and we each took the feast to our own homes for eating. I ate with my son and my daughter's little family. So, that was lovely.

But everything celebratory seems odd and strange without Nick, he is alive but not a part of life. I am not sure how to deal with it. It feels rather false to be joyful without him especially while it does not seem possible that he will have any joy again. Many of on TP wrote and share about the issues of going on with our life. I really thought I had always done this over the last years. Last year Nick did not attend this celebration because of incontinence issues, and I left early last year as it was painful. It is different each holiday wondering what we are to do.
What do you do when your OH is in a CH? Unless he is vastly improved by Christmas there is no way he can come to a Christmas feast with the children and grandchildren even the current scaled back version....but perhaps he will be able too.. I cannot imagine. Do some of you just spend the day at the CH with your OH?
It's difficult. I spent Christmas eve with my daughter, her partner and son at the CH. They put on a lovely buffet lunch in the family room which has been decorated beautifully. We then spent Christmas day celebrating at home whilst Mum enjoyed all the Christmas activities and lunch at the CH. One of the carers rang in the evening to tell me Mum had joined in with everything and had enjoyed her Christmas day. I told Mum how lucky she was to have two Christmas Days. Susan
 

PalSal

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
926
0
Pratteln Switzerland
Here in Switzerland the primary celebration is on Christmas Eve. So, my children go to their Swiss partners/ spouses for that day and evening. We normally have Christmas morning here at my house then go to dear friends for the Christmas lunch and celebrations (English style, Turkey, white sauce, Brussels Sprouts etc) I grow up with a different menu for Christmas (as we have turkey for Thanksgiving).
Christmas at the CH for Nick would not be much fun, it is an isolating experience for him in so many ways.....language primarily. But at the moment he can barely walk. He would have to improve greatly to consider bringing him to an event. And the grandchildren are not allowed to visit.
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
2,823
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
Hi PalSal, I am sorry about Nick's deterioration and even more sorry about your sadness and guilty feelings.
Nick would have deteriorated even if he had not been moved to a care home. He has had dementia for twenty years and worsening is the unavoidable development of his desease. Thank goodness he is not at home. How would you have coped with it?
((((hugs))))
 

PalSal

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
926
0
Pratteln Switzerland
Hi PalSal, I am sorry about Nick's deterioration and even more sorry about your sadness and guilty feelings.
Nick would have deteriorated even if he had not been moved to a care home. He has had dementia for twenty years and worsening is the unavoidable development of his desease. Thank goodness he is not at home. How would you have coped with it?
((((hugs))))
Thanks Margherita, I am sure you are right. But living out the last years of the this long goodbye with all its ramifications is hard. We all at TP have this burden..
I was just reading in another post that someone husband`s is threatening suicide. Here in Switzerland assisted suicide was an option in the early stages of Alzheimers , but a person must be fully aware of the decision.(You may remember the publicity about the assisted suicide of the UK auther Terry Prachett, ) I personally would take such a considered path.....I think, but I have not been put to the test. Suicide would be a different path, different suffering.
Nick did not want that, he never looked at where the disease would take us both. He was in complete denial regarding the pain and suffering and financial ruin we would have to endure. I am sorry to say it was very selfish of him, but it was his choice to want to go on ......now he has no quality of life, it was only with me that he had a quality of life which was good, and I was no longer strong enough to give it any longer.
I made the choice to support his decision, and as I have said here many times, he was part of all his children graduating from uni (the youngest middle school, high school & uni!), two weddings and now eight grandchildren, but he was only aware of the first two grandchildren....he was too far gone for the rest. So, he did live for a long time a fairly full life......
I just know I have no answers to anything.
I miss my music ....the sinfonie, my classical choir and my rock band. I am spending two to three hours each day with Nick at the car home. Trying to help my daughter with the children a few times each week and now Jamie (our youngest ) is at last wanting to learn to drive so we are driving together a few times each week. I am playing Mahjong every two weeks, it is a reason to put on my makeup and get dressed properly, to see my three friends.
It is difficult times for everyone. Is your husband still at home with you?
 

PalSal

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
926
0
Pratteln Switzerland
Happy New Year TP friends.
I am going through the motions of life. With the COVID, it is amazing but I am still able to visit Nick everyday. I can now take him outside and he barely walks, but I get him some fresh air and a little outside movement most days. Yesterday he did not wish to go. My cold hands signalled to him it was cold outside. So, he just slept in his chair and I played solitaire.
Nick and his home and all its workers will be vaccinated tomorrow, and then again in three weeks. That should make things less problematic.

No real news, I just feel very numb and introspective. Do my best to find moments of joy, some days are better than others, usually when I get a good long hike...those are the best days.
Hope you are all staying well and healthy.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,385
0
South coast
Happy New Year to you too. I am hoping that 2021 will be a better year.
I am glad that Nick will be getting the vaccine so soon, that will be one less worry for you.

Please look after yourself. You are grieving for the Nick you are losing
((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))