Separation from spouse in care home

[Hilary L B]

My parents are both moving into a care home but in separate rooms. Mum (80) has dementia and dad (88) doesn’t so they will be in separate but nearby bedrooms so dad can get respite and rest. They will be able to see each other during the day. However mum hates being alone at night and is scared of the dark, always needing lights on. She calls out to my dad at night “are you there?” and sometimes manages to get up and climb into his single bed.

I am interested in suggestions about how we can help mum to cope with sleeping alone for the first time in 59 years. The care home is telling me not to worry and they will manage it. But is there anything the family can do?

I thought about buying a baby monitor with screen so mum can see dad sleeping, but actually she doesn’t even see him when he’s in bed next to her which is why she calls out. She is partially sighted and often keeps her eyes closed.
perhaps just hearing his breathing on a baby monitor would help?

Your thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you.

 

[canary]

Hello @Hilary L B and welcome to DTP

This is a very common problem with dementia and dementia care homes are well used to it.
My mum was someone who was scared to be on her own and would therefore wander around during the night. Her care home put a monitor in her room so that they could tell when she was awake and someone would go in to reassure her.

Why not ask the care home how they intend to manage it?

 

[Weasell]

The problem is how will she know it is his breathing she is hearing. It could be anyone’s?

The other problem is when you look at a baby monitor it is to establish the baby’s wellbeing . A lot of people with dementia don’t actually care about the other persons wellbeing, what they actually want is what that person can give them, company, reassurance ,a cuddle etc.

I would go for a sensor mat that alerts staff she is awake and up. I think she needs a human to give her reassurance.

As @canary say I’m sure the care home will mange it well.

I am thinking of you right now, the stress levels around putting two parents into care are very high! Don’t forget to be good to yourself!

 

[Grannie G]

I agree to let the care home manage this, especially as they said they are able to.

Is there anything your mother would recognise as a comforter? Something she could cuddle? It`s a shot in the dark but might help her.

 

[Hilary L B]

Hello @Hilary L B and welcome to DTP

This is a very common problem with dementia and dementia care homes are well used to it.
My mum was someone who was scared to be on her own and would therefore wander around during the night. Her care home put a monitor in her room so that they could tell when she was awake and someone would go in to reassure her.

Why not ask the care home how they intend to manage it?

Thanks for your reply. They have said they use “Night Genie” which prompts carers to check on mum frequently e.g. every half an hour. And they said they will use an alarm mat too. I’m sure it will be fine, I need to trust them.

 

[Hilary L B]

I agree to let the care home manage this, especially as they said they are able to.

Is there anything your mother would recognise as a comforter? Something she could cuddle? It`s a shot in the dark but might help her.

She has a teddy that she was given as a child and still keeps in her room. Sometimes she cuddles it. I’ll make sure teddy Edward is with her X

 

[canary]

I’ll make sure teddy Edward is with her

Make sure you label it with her name in case it goes walkabout

 

[Hilary L B]

The problem is how will she know it is his breathing she is hearing. It could be anyone’s?

The other problem is when you look at a baby monitor it is to establish the baby’s wellbeing . A lot of people with dementia don’t actually care about the other persons wellbeing, what they actually want is what that person can give them, company, reassurance ,a cuddle etc.

I would go for a sensor mat that alerts staff she is awake and up. I think she needs a human to give her reassurance.

As @canary say I’m sure the care home will mange it well.

I am thinking of you right now, the stress levels around putting two parents into care are very high! Don’t forget to be good to yourself!

That is very true! Mum often wants to wake him up for reassurance and doesn’t worry about his sleep. That’s why he understandably wants his own room. If she hears his breathing it will probably increase her desire to go out to try getting in his room!

 

[Hilary L B]

Make sure you label it with her name in case it goes walkabout

Good point. That would be a disaster! They said label her clothes I hadn’t thought about the bear.

 

[Snuffette]

Good morning My mum frequently gets up out of bed in her care home - the staff are very good at monitoring, she has an alarm pad next to her bed which alerts them. Good luck

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

As well as Teddy Edward, maybe a new cuddly toy would appeal? There are lots of really soft and cuddly animals around these days - realistic kitties that make nice purry noises for example!

Another thought is for her to have a music player in her room with something soothing on low volume - whale noises (I hate it but others love the sound!), birdsong or even white noise. Or maybe a talking book would soothe her to sleep. (Consider gentle childrens stories like Winnie the Pooh!)

But otherwise, it seem the CH are well aware of the issue and are managing it well, After all, your dad is a paying customer and he deserves to get his (undisturbed) rest too. They wouldn't let your mum go into another resident's room and get in bed with them so really they should make sure it doesn't happen to your dad either.

 

[Saffronlizzy]

This happened to a friends parents. Their home gave them rooms opposite each other. They put the 2single beds in one room and the arm chairs/side tables etc in the other- bedroom and lounge. Was lovely for them. Worth asking- esp if you're paying the horrendous fees !

 

[Sarasa]

In my mother's care home there is at least one couple who have the sort of arrangement that @Saffronlizzy mentioned. Sounds lovely, but maybe not ideal if one partner is disturbing the other at night. I hope things have settled down a little @Hilary L B and your dad is getting a good nights sleep and your mum is feeling less stressed.
When mum moved to her care home she kept on saying strange men were sleeping in her bed, that was because she kept on going into the wrong room. The carers put a big picture on her door to help her remember where she should be going.