Separate lives

Vermillion51

New member
May 30, 2023
4
0
After a long and unhappy marriage in which I endured both financial and emotional abuse, my husband has now been diagnosed with vascular dementia. Both my children live a very long way away. I cannot now go anywhere or do very much. I face caring for someone with whom I have no relationship. I was unable to leave him as I would have had no means of supporting myself.....I feel trapped and that I have no future. Sorry if this sounds bleak, but I would just like to hear from anyone who has been in the same position.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
82,077
0
Kent
Welcome @Vermillion51

Your post does sound bleak but there is absolutely no need to apologise and it is perfectly understandable.

The dementia support line might be able to help you find a way out. Please contact them

 

JAYBEN

Registered User
Jun 12, 2023
181
0
West Yorkshire
I cannot imagine how you are feeling , and I am in no position to offer any professional advice on your situation , but calling the support line is definately something that could help you . You can talk freely with them and they will be able to give advice on other organisations that may also be able to help you . Dont feel uncomfortable in asking for help , you have a right to a life like anyone else , and you definately need help . I hope you will be able to find a solution as no-one should ever feel trapped in a relationship . Be honest about your feelings and whats gone on in the past , its time to look after yourself too .
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
4,422
0
Victoria, Australia
After a long and unhappy marriage in which I endured both financial and emotional abuse, my husband has now been diagnosed with vascular dementia. Both my children live a very long way away. I cannot now go anywhere or do very much. I face caring for someone with whom I have no relationship. I was unable to leave him as I would have had no means of supporting myself.....I feel trapped and that I have no future. Sorry if this sounds bleak, but I would just like to hear from anyone who has been in the same position.
I hear you loud and clear.

Prior to his diagnosis, my husband was quite paranoid and his behaviour was so awful that as far as I was concerned, I wanted out. We had been reasonably content before this behaviour developed but I have to say that dementia destroyed our relationship completely.

We discussed separation very seriously because he couldn’t stand the sight of me either but a cardiac arrest during the testing process for Alzheimer’s messed up any plans for that. Like you, our finances were not going to stretch to buying two separate places for each of us and to set up acceptable financial strategies so we finally decided to stay together. That was nine years ago and we have had our share of ups and downs.

I have mixed feelings about the last few years. Being financially strapped when you are old is not a nice place to be but having to give up a lot of the things I loved to do is not nice either.

I always felt that I had to make a choice that revolved around money and his health needs rather than what I might have preferred to have done. But that’s how it is and though it has taken years for me to get to this point, I have learned to live with it.

I think you need to get some legal advice about the situation you are in. I don’t know if you can get an initial chat for no or little cost where you live but I am sure someone else on TP will be able to point you in the direction.

You do need to know what your options are before you decide anything.

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation.
 

Vermillion51

New member
May 30, 2023
4
0
I hear you loud and clear.

Prior to his diagnosis, my husband was quite paranoid and his behaviour was so awful that as far as I was concerned, I wanted out. We had been reasonably content before this behaviour developed but I have to say that dementia destroyed our relationship completely.

We discussed separation very seriously because he couldn’t stand the sight of me either but a cardiac arrest during the testing process for Alzheimer’s messed up any plans for that. Like you, our finances were not going to stretch to buying two separate places for each of us and to set up acceptable financial strategies so we finally decided to stay together. That was nine years ago and we have had our share of ups and downs.

I have mixed feelings about the last few years. Being financially strapped when you are old is not a nice place to be but having to give up a lot of the things I loved to do is not nice either.

I always felt that I had to make a choice that revolved around money and his health needs rather than what I might have preferred to have done. But that’s how it is and though it has taken years for me to get to this point, I have learned to live with it.

I think you need to get some legal advice about the situation you are in. I don’t know if you can get an initial chat for no or little cost where you live but I am sure someone else on TP will be able to point you in the direction.

You do need to know what your options are before you decide anything.

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation.
Thank you for your reply, it is very kind of you. There is a tendency to feel that you are the only one experiencing this kind of situation and the circumstances surrounding it. It's very hard to admit to anyone, especially to my children, how I feel as it makes you feel that you're a 'bad person', despite what I have endured in the past. I think, like yourself, it is a matter of coming to terms with what life has thrown at you and working around it to have some kind of life. I am glad that I found this forum as it makes you feel less isolated and maybe being able to help other people is also therapeutic. Anyway, thank you again and I wish you the best with your situation . Stay strong.
 

jay6

Registered User
Jun 25, 2023
1,075
0
After a long and unhappy marriage in which I endured both financial and emotional abuse, my husband has now been diagnosed with vascular dementia. Both my children live a very long way away. I cannot now go anywhere or do very much. I face caring for someone with whom I have no relationship. I was unable to leave him as I would have had no means of supporting myself.....I feel trapped and that I have no future. Sorry if this sounds bleak, but I would just like to hear from anyone who has been in the same position.
I can sympathise with you as my situation is very similar to yours. I talked about separating on several occasions but hit a brick wall, insisting in how things would change, Obviously never did and like you I couldn't leave without selling our home, which I paid half towards. I also have a daughter miles from home, who I don't like to worry as she is too far to help. So feel very trapped.
It's hard to stay positive but maybe we can get help chatting on here. ((hugs))
 

Vermillion51

New member
May 30, 2023
4
0
I can sympathise with you as my situation is very similar to yours. I talked about separating on several occasions but hit a brick wall, insisting in how things would change, Obviously never did and like you I couldn't leave without selling our home, which I paid half towards. I also have a daughter miles from home, who I don't like to worry as she is too far to help. So feel very trapped.
It's hard to stay positive but maybe we can get help chatting on here. ((hugs))
Thank you for your reply to my post. I think it does help to talk about it, even with the one or two replies that I have received, you realise that you are not the only one struggling with these things - especially in the middle of the night when everything seems worse. And the thing about not wanting to worry our children - it's perennial with parents. Also one of the reasons I stayed and put up with everything, I wanted them to live their lives for as long as possible, as one day they might have to take on all the responsibility. Thank you for the 'hugs' which is much appreciated, and the same back to you.
 

Vermillion51

New member
May 30, 2023
4
0
Thank you for your reply, it is very kind of you. There is a tendency to feel that you are the only one experiencing this kind of situation and the circumstances surrounding it. It's very hard to admit to anyone, especially to my children, how I feel as it makes you feel that you're a 'bad person', despite what I have endured in the past. I think, like yourself, it is a matter of coming to terms with what life has thrown at you and working around it to have some kind of life. I am glad that I found this forum as it makes you feel less isolated and maybe being able to help other people is also therapeutic. Anyway, thank you again and I wish you the best with your situation . Stay strong.
Further to my earlier reply, I didn't address your mention of the financial situation and any options I might have. My son now has power of attorney and has been helping me to sort out all the financial issues, and also my daughter, so I do have support in that respect. The advantages of modern technology I suppose, in that even though they are a long way away, they can undertake a lot of things on line and be in touch instantly. I don't think I have the option to leave now as it would place a huge burden on my children, who I want to live their lives for as long as possible without that responsibility. It's ironic really, sometimes you do feel that the 'Gods' are laughing at you - what is that line from the movie? "Just when you thought you could go back in the water".......
 

jay6

Registered User
Jun 25, 2023
1,075
0
It's good that your son has P.O.A. that may help. We applied a couple of months ago and am still waiting.
I understand what you mean about not worrying children, so you put up with things. I'm like you, think they should live as best as they can without the worry as there may come a time where they have no real choice.
Like the bit about the Gods. I've often wondered what I'd done wrong in a previous life and if I'm being punished in this one. lol