Selling share of joint owned property

[Shedrech]

hi @irisheyesaresmiling
welcome from me too

I just wonder whether your dad saying he wants to move out isn't a way for him to get across the seriousness of his situation .... I am not suggesting he is being hystrionic ... he sounds to have hit carer breakdown and it's understandable that he wants a way out of an intolerable situation ... he has nothing to be ashamed for ... indeed, it's brave of him to speak out ... he has clearly done his best for his wife and is even willing to move out of their marital home for her to be able to remain there

the 2 of them need support ... and selling their home is an extreme solution which financially is a potential disaster for both .... how fair is it on him to receive a less than market price, when there are costs to selling/purchasing and moving wich are effectively money 'down the drain'

you might say that it's equally extreme to arrange for your mum to move into residential care, or at least have care in their home (maybe a live in carer, if home care visits may not meet her needs) ... however, sadly, this may well be something that is necessary to satisfactorily provide the level of care needed, if not right now then in the near future

both really have an equal right for their health and welfare to be considered ... and you say your dad has his own health issues

selling a half share, buying another property, another family member moving in, running 2 households on the same income as one, a potential future move to residential care ... just seems to be a complicated way of proceeding ... bearing in mind that should your dad remain, the property will be disregarded in any financial assessment re your mum's care, it will not have to be sold to pay her fees

might your dad rent an apartment as a trial to see if it helps to live separately
could a respite stay for your mum be a way to see how being apart helps, and as a trial of residential care

there are no easy answers ... yes your mum may be comfortable at home, but you all do seem to be accepting that having that continue will mean your dad will not be comfortable at home

this is about the finances of care

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[irisheyesaresmiling]

You cannot wait until they are never happy at home, because there will always be times when everything seems fine. Its just , do the good times outnumber the bad, or the other way round?; and can you cope with the bad times?

Before mum moved into her care home I wondered whether I would be able to look after her, so she spent the weekend with me. That weekend was enough to tell me that I would not be able to do it and I barely managed to last the weekend. There were certainly times when mum seemed her normal self, but her moods would turn on a sixpence, she would say two completely opposite things in the same sentence and I just couldnt keep up, get suddenly upset for no apparent reason and she woke me every half hour throughout the night.

Moving into a care home is such a huge milestone proclaiming the decline that we shy away from it and just dont want to acknowledge it. Its too easy to tell ourselves that they are just having a bad day and we do everything to try and "fix" them and hang on to them. But we cant. Mum was actually much happier in her care home. Trying to live "normally" made her confused and so anxious, but when she was in the care home nothing was expected of her and the simple routine suited her.

Thank you. That is very interesting and it sounds like the right thing for your mum at the time. We of course want her to be safe and cared for. I didn't think about the pressures on her to fit in to a normal way of living. And we really do expect that to be honest. You've given me food for thought. The experiences of those who have been through similar is priceless. We feel like we are left alone and i'm sure we are not the only people to feel that way. Thanks again.

 

[thistlejak]

MIL went into hospital and then a nursing home earlier this year. She was REALLY difficult to deal with at home, she would not take medication, eat , shower, wash hair or change clothes and was physically and verbally aggressive. In the care home after about a month she is showering , eating , taking medication and joining in with activities. Her old personality has returned now that she is not scared/paranoid all the time - the home say she is one of the easier patients in the secure unit she is in. Real/normal life can be very scary for our PWD and the security of a care home allows them to settle.

 

[Bod]

Yes, but looking at her now watching a church service on TV, she is perfectly happy and comfortable. That is where the problem is. That is a good idea to say they are friends.

This shows to me, that she will settle quite easily into a Care Home placement.
As others have said, the time for a care home has now arrived.

Bod

 

[woodstock163]

I have just joined forum, I have a stepmother in a home and now my younger brother is in a home. The only info I have regarding a house is that if it is habitated by a relative over 60 no one can touch it. The move needs to be of such a time so not to arouse suspicion it was done to avoid payment.