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Self rescue after a crisis of loss

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
210
0
Yesterday evening we had a get together in our communal gardens and the discussion came around to the horrors of Covid and dying of it. You would think that nobody ever dies in the normal course of events and the reporting of the death toll is frightening. It really caught me on the raw, yes it’s terrible but then death is terrible for many and a quick and painless release for many too. I commented that the horror of the Covid experience is the huge number of people all dying at once in a miserable way, when normally we go about our lives oblivious to death going on all the time. People are being made to face up to the reality that we do, in fact, die eventually and they are scared. Will it make people think a bit more about how they live their lives? I am not so sure.
Like you say, I have my doubts that it will change people. A lot of people , particularly, and understandably, younger ones, seem intent on making up for lost lockdown time. I also wonder about pollution levels now, seeing how road traffic is pretty well back to normal. I know that many Buddhist teachers stress how uncertain life is, as a reminder that none of us knows what will happen, which isn't really morbid, just being aware. I have been reading about Thai culture, where
death is much more a part of life than it is here. I do think that, as we are seeing, gettng back to " normal" is going to be a much longer process than some believe.Personally speaking, I think lockdown has affected me negatively due to its timing, just when I was starting to begin to pick up the pieces. I think the longer term consequences of both the virus and lockdown will be greater than some consider.I am just glad that I had this forum; I love organ music, and listening to livestream recitals with live chat, and the caring community of regulars and interacting with them has helped too.
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
210
0
Yesterday evening we had a get together in our communal gardens and the discussion came around to the horrors of Covid and dying of it. You would think that nobody ever dies in the normal course of events and the reporting of the death toll is frightening. It really caught me on the raw, yes it’s terrible but then death is terrible for many and a quick and painless release for many too. I commented that the horror of the Covid experience is the huge number of people all dying at once in a miserable way, when normally we go about our lives oblivious to death going on all the time. People are being made to face up to the reality that we do, in fact, die eventually and they are scared. Will it make people think a bit more about how they live their lives? I am not so sure.
I have just been reading about virtual Death cafes, where people go online to talk about issues raised by the mortalities related to COVID19, so obviously some have been taking note of this.
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,731
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81
East of England
Seven months on from my husband’s death and after a sad six months of grieving, lockdown, finally being able to have a scattering of ashes ceremony with my family during the easing of restrictions, I am still on a mission to rescue myself from the pit of perpetual mourning. I remember him fondly with love for the person he was before dementia struck. I managed to have a holiday, alone but it was very restorative, and encouraged and backed up by my son I have got a puppy. She has been with me a week, I devote myself to playing and training her, and we are going to Dog Training classes starting today. She is already settled in and a great companion and by the end of the autumn and winter I am hoping to have a good companion and polite sociable dog. I have had dogs in the past but not from a puppy. At my age it would be foolhardy to do this without support so I am very grateful to my wonderful children for their support. She seems to be bringing some cheer to several of my neighbours too during this truly awful time. I am in isolation for her sake because she can’t go out and about until the end of October. I must admit that I am really enjoying the involving nature of the job in hand, no time for news etc. I am also shielded from coronavirus for a few weeks. Caring is rewarding even with dementia even though very difficult, by comparison a puppy is life enhancing.
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,731
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81
East of England
My dear puppy Cara
 

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Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
66
0
Hi @Grahamstown , it's lovely to hear you have found a new energy ( meant in the nicest possible way ) in little Cara, she looks adorable ! I went to a beach last weekend with a friend and her 2 young dogs for a walk . To just watch them playing in the sand and sea with their ball made me smile. Enjoy little Cara and take care.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,264
0
Oh @Grahamstown I am so pleased that you have a new friend, she looks delightful. Dogs are wonderful companions although my last died 20 years ago. I would love another but I want to travel a bit first so maybe in a couple of years.

We have also just had dads ashes interred in the same spot that we had mums ashes put and I feel better for that as if it is the final step to some kind of recovery although I have kept a small amount back that I am going to release into the ocean some time in the future. I don't know when but dad was a seaman and he would of liked that.

Yes the covid thing was very bad timing for you and me. I hope that things get better and we are not stuck in this kind of limbo for too much longer because it makes everything just so much more difficult. Glad that you got away, I have not managed that yet but hopefully will in the next month or two I will get a chance.

Enjoy your puppy, she is lovely.
 

Ruth1974

Registered User
Dec 26, 2018
112
0
I find myself looking at TP again but my old thread has come to the end. ‘And so it goes on...’ is still the same because it does go on and on but that can start to be self defeating. So my first step on the road to rescuing myself from the aftermath of caring for a man with dementia is to accept and try again. So here I shall try because accepting that he has died and I am a widow is a big step. I am plodding on with the paperwork but I am going to take that respite I had booked and go before the funeral to try and reflect and recover. My children are suffering but they have their own families and dogs, a small thing but dogs are a wonderful help. Still they seem to need their mum so I must not let a broken heart distract me from that. A new chapter of life opens.
I have literally found myself here tonight because the samaritans weren't answering the phone! My husband is now in a nursing home, my son has gone to uni and is stuck because of the virus and this evening I cried all over my 13 year old daughter who is the only person in the world I'm allowed to hug. I dont know who I am or what to do and I cant stop crying
 

Herecomestrouble

Registered User
Dec 11, 2018
34
0
I have literally found myself here tonight because the samaritans weren't answering the phone! My husband is now in a nursing home, my son has gone to uni and is stuck because of the virus and this evening I cried all over my 13 year old daughter who is the only person in the world I'm allowed to hug. I dont know who I am or what to do and I cant stop crying
Ruth, you are not alone...I am here for a start and others are too, even if online is far from being there in person. I would not be so stupid or sensitive to offer trite “ solutions” for how you are feeling, but there are things that can help, and “ this too will pass”... you will get up in the morning and be there for your daughter and show her that it is okay to cry but that it does not destroy you. Focusing on your physical senses can be really helpful, to help you be present in the here and now and not swept away by your thoughts and feelings..a kind of practical mindfulness...listening to some music, not as “ background” but really hearing it, being aware of what you can touch, smell ( lavender being good to help you relax too if you happen to have some to hand) , have a warm drink and so on. YouTube has a wealth of relaxation videos that you could immerse yourself in. Yes, it takes an effort of will, but it is about giving yourself the care that you need. Of course it would be lovely if there was someone actually there with you to provide that but don’t think of that, think of what is available and do for yourself what you need. It is so so tough, tougher than you ever thought it would be or that you thought you would be able to cope with, but you are coping with it...it just doesn’t feel like those images we see of brave warriors striding into battle .
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,731
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81
East of England
I have literally found myself here tonight because the samaritans weren't answering the phone! My husband is now in a nursing home, my son has gone to uni and is stuck because of the virus and this evening I cried all over my 13 year old daughter who is the only person in the world I'm allowed to hug. I dont know who I am or what to do and I cant stop crying
How I feel for you in your distress. I too felt like that while my husband was alive, and when he died my son told me a story about extreme survival when you have to try and rescue yourself because others in the group are busy trying to save themselves. In our situation we do have people on TP to help us but in the end it’s in our own hands. I can liken it to having a new puppy. They know very little, can only learn in baby steps but with guidance sympathy and help they can become well balanced and live, not perhaps as they would but as they have to. The analogy only goes so far, but it’s a slow process and you depend on yourself in the end. So baby steps, seek what can cheer you and support your daughter.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,355
0
Your Cara is delightful, @Grahamstown . Enjoy her. I'm not really a dog person but I did enjoy going out for long walks with my brother and his dog when we visited for Christmas .
@Ruth1974 , there will always be someone around on Dementia Talking Point to listen. It might be an idea to contact the Dementia Connect support line: 0333 150 3456 and/or dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk to see what help might be available.
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,731
0
81
East of England
Oh @Grahamstown I am so pleased that you have a new friend, she looks delightful. Dogs are wonderful companions although my last died 20 years ago. I would love another but I want to travel a bit first so maybe in a couple of years.

We have also just had dads ashes interred in the same spot that we had mums ashes put and I feel better for that as if it is the final step to some kind of recovery although I have kept a small amount back that I am going to release into the ocean some time in the future. I don't know when but dad was a seaman and he would of liked that.

Yes the covid thing was very bad timing for you and me. I hope that things get better and we are not stuck in this kind of limbo for too much longer because it makes everything just so much more difficult. Glad that you got away, I have not managed that yet but hopefully will in the next month or two I will get a chance.

Enjoy your puppy, she is lovely.
I had to wait until the time was right, but I was ready and just needed a push. Puppies and PWD require much the same, patience, correct handling and stamina. I hope I am up to the task! The coronavirus crisis makes it very difficult even though we had a brief respite in the summer. Now my grandchildren are back at school it’s more risky to see them. Dog Training is distanced out in the country and training her to go into the car crate was fine, she just didn’t like it when the engine started and we moved. She howled all the way there, but settled down on the way back. The problems are different but they seem familiar, always something new to deal with. She is already a lovely companion and we are in the throes of chewing and mouthing distraction training! Fortunately she is quiet at night and I am not too tired but a 6-10 schedule is under way and she is getting used to that.

Scattering the ashes is a defining moment and after that I let the dementia memories go and now remember him as before, but that makes me wish for him back and I can’t dwell on that. With coronavirus we have to endure, it’s not going to end soon and we have plenty of ups and downs before we are through.
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
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81
East of England
Your Cara is delightful, @Grahamstown . Enjoy her. I'm not really a dog person but I did enjoy going out for long walks with my brother and his dog when we visited for Christmas .
@Ruth1974 , there will always be someone around on Dementia Talking Point to listen. It might be an idea to contact the Dementia Connect support line: 0333 150 3456 and/or dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk to see what help might be available.
No indeed, puppies>dogs are not for everyone, but if you do like dogs, the effort is worth it, but it is a huge amount of time money and patience. That sounds familiar to me!
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,433
0
Kent
I`m not a dog person either @Grahamstown but I envy those who are.

It must be wonderful to have a pet who gives us a reason to improve our health and well being, provides the need to walk in all weathers while at the same time offers a level of comopanionship so many of us miss..

Dear @Ruth1974 Please take as much support as possible from these pages and those of us who do know how you feel and whose hearts ache for you.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,129
0
High Peak
I am a great believer in animal therapy. My 4 lovely kitties have definitely saved me.

There really is nothing else in the world that can put so many smiles into your day.
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,731
0
81
East of England
The first day of a new year and I am a very fortunate person, I have got a lovely doggy companion, had both vaccination jabs, wonderful family and still I feel melancholy as I cannot forget this time last year. I keep onwards and upwards but it’s a hard struggle at times like this. Nothing can replace a loving partner and going on alone as you age is tough. In the spirit of hope in these difficult times I am hoping for a happy new year for us all and sending a virtual hug x
 

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CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
210
0
One of the things that has helped me is this forum. May it continue to help me and others through 2021 as it has through 2020.