Thank you for sharing, I see that self centredness has emerged regarding my situation over the last few years, interesting , for instance I want to downsize, but he won’t have it under any circumstances even so it means me working to keep this house on, and it’s just to big for both of us, but always get met with silence or an adult type tantrum , as long as things go his way there all is fine !
Self Diagnosis
- Thread starter WJG
- Start date
Unfortuantely there is no one answer to your question and there is no journal article that will give you one answer, because the term dementia is not used for one condition -it is an umbrella term for as many as say 90 types of dementia, the most common being Alzheimer's. But even Alzheimer's can be present with say vascualr dementia. This makes dementia very difficult to pin point in terms of cause, because each type of dementia has a different cause.
@Grannie G @Sarasa and @canary have given you three diffferent and valid stories aorund the onset of 'dementia'
As the 'bystander' (my mum has dementia) I've seen two very contrasting scenarios. Firstly, when we started to notice a change in mum's behaviour we let it go and said nothing because nobody had the heart to hurt her feelings and everyone just assumed the problems processing what she was seeing was an age-related eyesight problem and everything else sprang from getting down about growing old and being able to do less.
What nobody expected, least of all my dad, who bore the brunt of mum's ever more uncharacteristic behaviour, was that dad was going to die so suddenly and leave me and my brother high and dry to piece together the extent of mum's problems and discover what a mess the house was in. The living room and kitchen were fine - the rest was a complete muddle!
I also listened to a lovely lady when I was away on a work event who had early onset dementia, talking openly and honestly about how she began to realise something was amiss and how she got her diagnosis and the changes she's since made to her life. It really hit me then: if mum had been younger and still working, or maybe if we weren't adults, living away from the family home, things could have been different and we could, over time, have talked about dementia and found out more and mum, being a very practical, pragmatic but incredibly kind and generous lady, would I am sure have felt far more in control and would have let us know what she expected of us in terms of support.
It also left me feeling so sad for poor dad, whose final few years were spent at a total loss, wondering what had gone wrong and blaming himself. He was a very proud man in the best sense of the word and such a devoted husband and father, but he found it terribly hard to deal with mum's mood swings and vitriol towards him and her being seemingly quite capable physically and mentally some days and then completely hopeless other days. He died not knowing 'what he'd done'.
For this reason, I absolutely admire those folk who seek a diagnosis and hold up their hands and say 'there's something not right here - I just know it!' You're not just doing it for yourselves - however terrible the information is, information is still power and you have a window of opportunity that my parents never had.
I look at my situation now and I don't begrudge a second I've spent with mum, but I do feel a profound sadness that at the start, before I knew anything about dementia really and once I was left in charge, I tortured myself by taking everything she said literally and to heart, even though I knew there was no way my mum would be like that!
After 3 years of trial and error; reading, learning, listening and lots of tears, frustration and breakthrough moments and finally, a few months ago, a diagnosis, as a family we are in a much better place - except for poor dad (who is actually in a much, much better place!) who never understood but deserved to so very much.
So please OP (and anyone else who is reading) keep pushing, keep investigating and keep talking. It might not be dementia, but you deserve to know.
What nobody expected, least of all my dad, who bore the brunt of mum's ever more uncharacteristic behaviour, was that dad was going to die so suddenly and leave me and my brother high and dry to piece together the extent of mum's problems and discover what a mess the house was in. The living room and kitchen were fine - the rest was a complete muddle!
I also listened to a lovely lady when I was away on a work event who had early onset dementia, talking openly and honestly about how she began to realise something was amiss and how she got her diagnosis and the changes she's since made to her life. It really hit me then: if mum had been younger and still working, or maybe if we weren't adults, living away from the family home, things could have been different and we could, over time, have talked about dementia and found out more and mum, being a very practical, pragmatic but incredibly kind and generous lady, would I am sure have felt far more in control and would have let us know what she expected of us in terms of support.
It also left me feeling so sad for poor dad, whose final few years were spent at a total loss, wondering what had gone wrong and blaming himself. He was a very proud man in the best sense of the word and such a devoted husband and father, but he found it terribly hard to deal with mum's mood swings and vitriol towards him and her being seemingly quite capable physically and mentally some days and then completely hopeless other days. He died not knowing 'what he'd done'.
For this reason, I absolutely admire those folk who seek a diagnosis and hold up their hands and say 'there's something not right here - I just know it!' You're not just doing it for yourselves - however terrible the information is, information is still power and you have a window of opportunity that my parents never had.
I look at my situation now and I don't begrudge a second I've spent with mum, but I do feel a profound sadness that at the start, before I knew anything about dementia really and once I was left in charge, I tortured myself by taking everything she said literally and to heart, even though I knew there was no way my mum would be like that!
After 3 years of trial and error; reading, learning, listening and lots of tears, frustration and breakthrough moments and finally, a few months ago, a diagnosis, as a family we are in a much better place - except for poor dad (who is actually in a much, much better place!) who never understood but deserved to so very much.
So please OP (and anyone else who is reading) keep pushing, keep investigating and keep talking. It might not be dementia, but you deserve to know.
