1. VerityRuth

    VerityRuth Registered User

    Apr 28, 2014
    20
    Essex coast
    I have woken up today feeling awful with a cold/flu or something and my husband made the usual cup of tea first thing but it is now gone 12 noon and he hasnt asked if I need anything else, he is just sitting in front of tv. I ache all over but suppose I will just have to get his meal and do everything. Can someone reassure me that selfishness and the inability to think of others is part of Alzheimers, please and that he is just not being non caring.
     
  2. Sue J

    Sue J Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
    8,042
    Hi VerityRuth, sorry you're feeling rough. If this behavior is not typical f your husband, which it sounds like it is not, then yes it is the AD, and am sure he would love to actively care for you.

    Have you got something to dose yourself up with? Take it easy.
    Hope you feel better soon
    Sue
     
  3. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    3,701

    Its very much a symptom of dementia, in my experience, hun :( My Mum in law is becoming more and more self focused as this awful illness progresses. If she wants something, it has to be now, and we can get her sulking and even a tantrum if she has to wait. If she see's me preparing a food that she doesn't like, she will repeatedly question why, and I can tell her its for someone else and she will still reply with 'But I don't like that!'. I told her that No, I couldn't take her out for a walk one day last week, as my back was really bad and I couldn't manage either pushing her chair or having her hang on my arm, and she wiped the floor with me, telling me I was selfish and she wanted to go out NOW! She seems almost completely unaware if anyone isn't well, or of anyone elses needs, and it is both upsetting and infuriating at times.

    There's that stage in childrens development where they are incredibly egotistical - all they focus on is their needs, and they view the world as something they need to use or manipulate, to get what they want and the needs and problems of other people in it as being unimportant unless it impacts directly on them. They have yet to learn to consider others, and the impact of their own behaviour - and I honestly believe that Mil has lost the skills learnt through her life since then and is back more or less at this stage of development. It doesn't change her behaviour, but sometimes I find rationalising how she behaves helps me to accept and cope ?

    I really hope you feel better soon xxxx
     
  4. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,738
    Female
    Scotland
    Verityruth I hope by now you are feeling better. Hot drinks of lemon and light food would do you good. My husband is a good man but like yours is oblivious to anyone's needs but his own. Dementia plays a big part in this but the truth is that he always was a bit self centred but in a busy working life and with family around it wasnt an issue. Now we are older and on our own our strengths and weaknesses are highlighted. When you are well again look afresh at your home and medicine cabinet if it comes to that and think of your needs. I always keep Ibuprufen and cod and flu drinks so that if I don't feel well I have something on hand.

    We as carers do not look after ourselves as well as we should and this can only get worse over time. Be ruthless in planning better care for yourself.
     
  5. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,912
    Suffolk
    Oh yes, it's part of the disease. He never was very good at telling what I wanted if I was ill. Now , as has been said, it's like a little kid stamping it's foot and saying I want it NOW! This lack of empathy,coupled with lack of logic, are very wearing!
     
  6. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    Sorry to hear you have the lurgy and are feeling rotten. I do hope it's not flu.
    I've come out in a beauty of a cold myself, so you are in good company.

    Sadly as others have already said this horrid disease can make the person seem very uncaring of others needs.

    I hope you are better soon. I know it is hard but do try to get what rest you can. Plenty of warm drinks , personally I prefer not to take ready made mixtures of cold remedies
    I take paracetamol and Ibuprofen alternately .
     
  7. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,627
    North West
    I do hope you'll start to feel better soon. It's even harder than usual to do an already very difficult job when you are ill.

    I'm glad for you though that he is still able to make you a cup of tea first thing.
     
  8. Varandas

    Varandas Registered User

    Sep 2, 2013
    227
    Hampshire England
    Hi VerityRuth, sorry that you are not feeling well.
    Sadly it is harder when not feeling well and having to do it all.
    Take it easy. Do it at your own pace.
    Tomorrow hopefully you will feel better.
    warm wishes
     
  9. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    I began my journey living with this being very ill myself with something else, with all of the issues to care for. In the beginning, hubby was sometimes, but very rarely, able to see that I wasn't my usual self, but he never understood it, and never helped, because he couldn't.

    When a person's mind goes, all they care about is whatever fear is taking them over at the time. They just don't see anything else. It's not a case of being deliberately blinkered and uncaring, it's just that they don't have the capacity to notice anything amiss.

    I had a bad cold a few years ago, but I just had to battle through it. If your own health is a concern to you, VerityRuth, do please inform your doctor that you yourself need medical support, and tell the GP why.

    Wishing you back to health and strength, soon as.
     
  10. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    I think the disease renders a person incapable of seeing anyone else's problems. The compassionate part of their nature seems to be over taken by their own needs but perhaps it is how they cope too. Hope you feel better soon.

    Sent from my GT-N5110
     
  11. disi

    disi Registered User

    Hi VerityRuth, do hope today you are feeling a little better. I agree with all the other comments it is the dementia. I know Robert has never really been very good at domestic jobs but would make drinks and cook a light meal ie scrambled eggs etc. and show sympathy. But he is not capable now of any of that. He will just sit in front of the TV, not even remembering that I had said I don't feel well. He doesn't understand he must wait for anything or time itself. I know everyone here says it is important that I keep well, but who looks after us when we are not!
     
  12. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,912
    Suffolk
    No one, disi, no one. Theres the rub. In my case, no family close by, so rely on friends and neighbours. And there's only so much I would ask or want them to do
     
  13. tigerqueen

    tigerqueen Registered User

    Mar 11, 2014
    75
    Essex
    I also hope you are feeling better soon VerityRuth. Oh how true everyone's comments here are. My dear husband always looked out for me if I was ill or upset, but this disease has destroyed his ability to think of others most of the time as he focusses on basic survival instincts. It's so sad really, but I'm sure your husband would have made you drinks and looked after you if he was able. I also try to remember how my husband was at these times, but it is so hard isn't it? Wishing you better soon
     
  14. Eleonora

    Eleonora Registered User

    Dec 21, 2012
    171
    Abingdon Oxfordshire
    Hi Verity-Ruth. I am hoping that you are feeling slightly fitter today - chicken soup is what is called for, but I guess you'll have to make it yourself:(

    As Ann Mack says, the mind seems to go into the childhood, 'dependent' stage - and no one but them has any problems.

    My dear OH was once a Samaritan - caring deeply for those who were at the end of their tether - and yet now ...he can think of nothing and no one but himself and his
    his own needs.

    Last year, I had breast cancer, and when I returned home on the evening I'd had the lump removed, he was most put out because his supper was late. I had to set to and bustle about, p.d.q. to get it on the table quickly. No inquiry about how I was feeling, or what had happened.
    A few weeks ago, I fell down a long flight of brick steps, cutting myself rather badly;
    there was blood running down my arm and leg, and falling onto the floor.
    I was rather cack-handedly trying to bind up the cuts, when he asked if I could put a plaster on a small scratch on his arm.

    It's possibly best to think of him as temporally being a young child, with all the insecurities that, 'mummy is not feeling very well.' can bring to the surface.

    Do keep warm and spoil yourself!
    Hugs
     
  15. Eleonora

    Eleonora Registered User

    Dec 21, 2012
    171
    Abingdon Oxfordshire
    Hi Verity-Ruth. I am hoping that you are feeling slightly fitter today - chicken soup is what is called for, but I guess you'll have to make it yourself:(

    As Ann Mack says, the mind seems to go into the childhood, 'dependent' stage - and no one but them has any problems.

    My dear OH was once a Samaritan - caring deeply for those who were at the end of their tether - and yet now ...
    he can think of nothing and no one but himself and his
    is own needs.

    Last year, I had breast cancer, and when I returned home on the evening after having the lump removed, he was most put out because his supper was late. I had to set to and bustle about, p.d.q. to get it on the table quickly.
    A few weeks ago, I fell down a long flight of brick steps, cutting myself rather badly;
    there was blood running down my arm and leg, and falling onto the floor.
    I was rather cack-handedly trying to bind up the cuts, when he asked if I could put a plaster on a small scratch on his arm.

    It's possibly best to think of him as temporally being a young child, with all the insecurities that, 'mummy is not feeling very well.' can bring to the surface.

    Do keep warm and spoil yourself!
    Hugs
     
  16. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Oh dear Elenora l feel for you, if your hubby was in his right mind l am sure he would fall over backwards for you, how much we suffer know one knows, only us bless you look after yourself, ♥♥♥

    Sent from my GT-P5210 using Talking Point mobile app
     
  17. suelou

    suelou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2014
    5
    Manchester
    Selfishness

    My husband is also very selfish and really only thinks about himself. If I am not feeling well he says oh what a shame and then asks me where something is? He will watch me struggle but not offer to help in any way.
     
  18. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,627
    North West
    I'm slightly disturbed by some of the posts on this thread.

    I'm speaking as a carer for someone who was, pre-dementia, one of the most empathetic and supportive people I have ever met. Now she isn't. That's because she has dementia (why am I even having to spell this out on TP?).

    It would not occur to me to describe her as self-centred, never mind selfish. These descriptions should surely be reserved for people who are of sound mind, have capacity and can be held accountable for their own behaviour towards others.

    I know myself how very difficult adjusting to our new realities can be, believe me!
     
  19. beelady

    beelady Registered User

    Jul 29, 2011
    22
    NW Cumbria
    #19 beelady, Nov 28, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2014
    Would like to say that it gets better but truth to tell it doesn't. I can make him a meal and not bother myself and he won't even ask me why I'm not eating.
    My husband won't stay in the house on his own so I have to take him everywhere that I go, even to doctors appointments he never once asks me why I need to go to the doctors.

    It's a totally selfish disease. It's not them it's this blasted Alzhiemers.
     
  20. Sue J

    Sue J Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
    8,042
    #20 Sue J, Nov 28, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2014
    Thank you for your post and understanding Stanley, it makes me feel better that there really are people that understand the difference between the illness and the person.:)

    You help me to remember to be kind to myself when I most of the 'system' makes me feel a burden.
     

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