Selective Memory

[abz2005]

Hello All,

Sorry I only seem to be coming here with my problems lately, I'm just really struggling at the moment and need to find a way of dealing with it.

My dad, 85 diagnosed with Dementia 3 years ago, is now wandering every day looking for his other house in the next town, this house does actually exist but it's in a different country, he won't accept it's in a different country and firmly believes it's in the next town.

Physically he's ok and gets about could go out by himself and return home, although he did get lost on a few occasions. These few occasions he's getting lost is now becoming daily, the amount of people that have brought him home, even strangers, taxi drivers, people we know and of course the phone calls I get to come and collect him.

I should mention his short term memory isn't great but this will bring me onto selective memory question, anyway myself, my mother in fact everyone he's mentioned this other house too has told him the house exists but is in a different country which he won't accept. About 2 weeks ago he ended up at a family friends house, how he got there we don't know to this day, anyway he mentioned this other house to them in the next town and they agreed, yes you do have a house there. When I picked him up he kept going on see I do have a house in this town everyone is trying to deny me of my property, our friends have confirmed I do have a house etc etc.

This was 2 weeks ago, as I said his short term memory is bad but he remembers what the family friend said to him clear as a bell, I feel like dropping him off at there house and telling them to deal with him after they told him the house does exist in this town after everybody else said it doesn't. To be honest they probably did the right thing and I should do the same but my mind won't let me say something I know isn't true, and if I do go along with him it won't be long before he'll ask me or my mom to take him there.

Sorry for the rant I just need to get it off my chest

 

[LadyA]

Being absolutely truthful with someone with dementia or telling them "love lies", which aren't completely truthful, but which will comfort them, and cause them much less distress than the cold, hard truth. It's a dilemma which every carer probably faces at some stage. Often, to save the person with dementia distress, because they are incapable of grasping or accepting the truth, we either lie or compromise. My husband, every now and then, would ask me "Am I losing my mind?" I would say "No of course not. We all forget things sometimes."

What, exactly is the situation with your dad's other house? For example, is there a way you could compromise, by saying "Yes, but you can't go there, because it's rented out. There are tenants living in it." Or it;s being done up/worked on.

To be honest, if your dad is wandering to the extent you describe, maybe it's time for some distraction, in the form of a day centre or it might be time to think about full time care. He sounds very vulnurable, if he is being brought home by strangers.

ps. Are you absolutely sure it's the house in the other country your dad is talking about? Could it be that he actually doesn't know what house he is referring to, but is talking about "my other house" in the way that people with dementia very frequently ask about "going home" when they are already at home? It's just that they no longer recognise their current home as theirs? Could this, in fact, be the problem?

 

[abz2005]

Hi Lady A

Thank you for your fast reply

When I've asked him to describe the house it's definitely the house in the other country even tells us who stays there sometimes which is correct but when he says he wants to go and see them obviously he can't, I'd love to take him for a 2 week holiday but it's a warzone (yemen) so that's not an option either.

I handed my notice in at work this week I finish next week, I'll be doing some part time work and looking after him more. Scares me something rotten as I've never been out of full time work since school

 

[Tin]

Looking after your father could easily be full time work, so don't worry too much about losing a 9 to 5 status, I have never worked longer or harder than now. Being inventive and creating a kind of parallel world for my mum certainly keeps me on my toes. Maybe you will be able to fill his days with outings that will lessen the time wandering for him. I suppose to your father another town or country are the same. Afraid you may have to get used to telling love lies, after all telling him the truth is stressing you out so worth trying something else. Certain places and feelings become so ingrained that at the time it is impossible to change the chain of thought and unfortunately only time will heal this one.

My mum used to continually ask to go home, she still does but not in the same way, now it tends to be "let's get in the car to get in the car" but even with this I know that the feeling to be somewhere else is there, easier to ignore it these days because I know I can do nothing about it.

Try being a little inventive with the truth, it can't hurt.

 

[Grannie G]

My husband was Indian but had lived in Manchester since 1955. We married in 1963 and lived together in Manchester until we moved to Kent in 2002.

Once we were in Kent , which we had been visiting for ten years and which he loved, he suddenly thought his Indian family was in Manchester. His family had never even visited Manchester .

We went through months of him trying to get home to his family. He even bought one way train tickets to Manchester. The confusion was unbearable.

I`m sorry I have no answers for you abz. I wish I had

 

[abz2005]

Thank you all for your replies.

The last couple of days he keeps talking about the other house, if I'm not there where he can see me he asks my mom if I'm at the other house.

He did it this morning not recognising his own house I sat and spoke with him then it was as if a switch went in his head "oh yes you're right this is my house that's the neighbours house" etc and he was fine all day sat with me in the garden while I cut the lawn and did some gardening. Then about an hour ago he went to bed 5 mins later he's downstairs shouting at my mom "get the old man out of the house he's going to chop everyone one up"!!! Shocked, I really was I've never seen him do that before, so gave him half a lorazepam as prescribed by the psychiatrist if he has an "episode" and took him back to bed, hopefully he'll get some sleep.

His confusion is worse than it's ever been more frequent and more intense, I maybe wrong but I personally think something is going to give with him soon