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Second thoughts?

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,382
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
I spent all yesterday morning wrapping all the ornaments and memorabilia collected over decades and loving placed by Pauline in her pride and joy - a large glass fronted Mahogany wall unit, in bubble wrap, lots of bubble wrap. They filled two large plastic boxes an, when I had finished I texted him to say they were here for collection and, he duly arrived last night. He was amazed at how many items there were and then, a first and without his brothers in attendance, we had a grown up conversation during which he moved for denial of dementia to, “well she got something like it.” He then expressed doubts about what they were doing and the long term future which apparently they had not thought of and nor indeed care Needs. I didnt argue but praised him for thinking that way and said I had withdrawn all objections and to move her with my blessings. He brightened up and asked about “ the carers role,” and would I give it up and I said yes. “ how much is clearer allowance?” “I dont know I have never claimed it but you will need it to pay for lots of things that I have been able to afford, not least carehome fees as and when needed. Talk about a Road to Damascus moment as I told him I would withdraw all financial support and they would have to carry the can. He didnt change the decision to take her but he was very thoughtful as he left.
 

RosettaT

Registered User
Sep 9, 2018
490
Mid Lincs
Goodness @Agzy, this is moving on a pace.
I may have missed something but I read yesterday the flat they wanted to move her too hasn't been built yet so what do they propose to do in the meantime?
I can't believe they have made all these suggestions but not thought of what future care will be required.

Stay strong (((Hugs)))
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,628
South coast
You mentioned carers allowance - does this mean that one of her sons is going to look after Pauline at his home?
If so, hes in for a nasty eye opener.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
729
High Peak
Agzy, do you think it would be worth appointing an independent social worker to mediate between you, the hospital, social services and the awful sons?

I think it would really help to have someone representing not only Pauline's best interests but yours too.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,985
South East
I think that is a very good idea @Jaded'n'faded . The sons seem to think of no one else , they can’t even say this decision is in their mum’s best interest either , how very desperately sad this is .
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
627
Hello @Agzy , I'm belatedly catching up on posts and see that you have Pauline home now. So have her sons changed their minds about putting her into sheltered housing?
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,382
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
Hi @White Rose , and to answer your question directly, no, they haven’t changed their minds, at least publically, but even worse than that is the fact that since coming home from hospital a week today they have made no contact with her at all. Makes you think what kind of care would they have provided if they had have got her into a flat. When the option was put to nursing staff and social services they refused to discharge her anywhere except home with me which seems to have caused the sulks. Still, onward and upwards, well we would be if not locked down 😂
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
627
Hi @White Rose , and to answer your question directly, no, they haven’t changed their minds, at least publically, but even worse than that is the fact that since coming home from hospital a week today they have made no contact with her at all. Makes you think what kind of care would they have provided if they had have got her into a flat. When the option was put to nursing staff and social services they refused to discharge her anywhere except home with me which seems to have caused the sulks. Still, onward and upwards, well we would be if not locked down 😂
Weird isn't it, as if being a carer is not hard enough without thoughtless and unhelpful interference.
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,382
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
Yes it is @White Rose and I reacted badly to a side effect of it today when my son-in-law couldn’t get us a loaf and she immediately phoned her eldest son to get her one, using the loaf as an excuse to contact him and I, stupidly, got angry and told her what I thought of him and his brothers. This in turn of course caused her to be upset and so long silences broken only by occasionally comments such as I might as well be dead, and no one would care if I was dead. Guilt overwhelms me of course but I cant take the words back so just wait for calmer waters.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
627
Yes it is @White Rose and I reacted badly to a side effect of it today when my son-in-law couldn’t get us a loaf and she immediately phoned her eldest son to get her one, using the loaf as an excuse to contact him and I, stupidly, got angry and told her what I thought of him and his brothers. This in turn of course caused her to be upset and so long silences broken only by occasionally comments such as I might as well be dead, and no one would care if I was dead. Guilt overwhelms me of course but I cant take the words back so just wait for calmer waters.
My partner will often say things like 'I'm dead' or 'I'm dying' when he's feeling sorry for himself - he's actually very healthy. He doesn't seem to remember that he has children, if one of them does call I'm not sure he knows who they are. When my daughter stayed with us recently he didn't seem to know her and wasn't very pleasant to her, lots of swearing and telling her to get out. I don't think he even knows how to use the phone now. Very sad. Must be further along the dementia path than your wife.
Can understand your frustration when you do everything for P, no point in feeling guilty though, we all say things we wish we hadn't - I tend to think that the chances are our PWD won't remember what we said anyway.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,402
So sorry about yesterday @Agzy. I hope today is a better day. Did the son actually go and get a loaf for her? That at least would be something. Have they now taken on board that their mum has dementia. I assume they were told by the professionals while she was in hospital if they wouldn't allow them to carry through their mad move her to a flat scheme.
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,382
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
So sorry about yesterday @Agzy. I hope today is a better day. Did the son actually go and get a loaf for her? That at least would be something. Have they now taken on board that their mum has dementia. I assume they were told by the professionals while she was in hospital if they wouldn't allow them to carry through their mad move her to a flat scheme.
Hi Sarasa, one son has for sure and keeps putting Alz soc stuff all over FaceBook and pictures of his mum but still only phones now and then but something. We did get the loaf which was left on the step but again phonecalls are rare. The 3rd son seems to have dissapeared as nothing from him ever., thank you.
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,382
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
My partner will often say things like 'I'm dead' or 'I'm dying' when he's feeling sorry for himself - he's actually very healthy. He doesn't seem to remember that he has children, if one of them does call I'm not sure he knows who they are. When my daughter stayed with us recently he didn't seem to know her and wasn't very pleasant to her, lots of swearing and telling her to get out. I don't think he even knows how to use the phone now. Very sad. Must be further along the dementia path than your wife.
Can understand your frustration when you do everything for P, no point in feeling guilty though, we all say things we wish we hadn't - I tend to think that the chances are our PWD won't remember what we said anyway.
Thank you White Rose, yes the dementia is a strange thing in that the moods swing so much and moments of sort of enhanced memory recall to great chunks of blank canvas and understandable frustration for both of us. At present she just sleeps a lot which is a relief after the tumult of the recent past.