Screaming point

[Helena]

Yeah I know you will all tell me its the disease ..........whatever disease it is be it Vascular Dementia or Lewy Body
I think its Lewys my sister thinks its vascular but since Mother will not go near the doctors and wont answer the door whose to know

Well the DVLA rescinded her licence 3 weeks ago

Yesterday she is complaining to my sister "when am I going to go and deal with selling the car /cancelling insurance etc "

Tonight I phone her ( she never phones me and does not hear or answer her phone on countless occasions )

She is in a right strop about not being allowed to drive .......doctors are wrong etc
Really nasty to me "wait and see how i feel when it happens to me "
For years I have asked her what she would do when she could not drive " i will wait till it happens she said "

Now of course she is way too far from a bus and can barely walk , could not order a taxi because she cant explain what she needs yet if you suggest she will either need to use a taxi or move close into town so she can get to shops she screams that she cant afford that

You cant tell her that cost of Insurance , tax, maintenance , petrol etc is way more than taxis in a year

Complains she cant afford phone calls etc .......of course the costs for my sister or I of telephone calls and getting to see her dont matter

She is not short of money , she is actually downright mean and at 90 yrs old what is she going to do with it line her box ?
and given her venonmous attitude tonight she will be lucky if i ever bother again


Its simply not enough for anyone to say "its the illness "

I have enough to cope with without being subjected to that when i sure do not live close and offer to try and help and find a solution

I have come to the conclusion that we should all be forced to face the reality of not being able to drive and make sensible provision long long before it happens instead of being downright nasty to those who try to help when we have been stupid enough to ignore all sensible advice offered in the past

 

[Amy]

Hiya Helena,
Take deep breaths!!
Attitudes to money, don't they drive you mad? With my parents ,I think well they grew up during the rationing (your mum must have been a young adult), they saved and worked hard all their lives - they do not know howto spend money what they would consider 'frivolously'. Money is for saving, not a tool to be used, that is their view.
It is difficult when you are doing your best to help and all you get is nastiness, and no sign of appreciation. What you may have to do is step back, calm down, and phone again when you are ready. Getting angry back is not going to help you nor your mother. And one thing is for sure, if your mother was not able to spend money nor make 'sensible' decisions before the illness, she certainly aint going to be able to make them now; so if you expect her to you will get very frustrated.
Could a regular arrangement be made with a taxi firm to take mum shopping?
Helen

 

[jarnee]

Helena,

Phew, do you feel a BIT better for venting that lot ???

I don't blame you one bit. When dad had to stop driving we fobbed him off by telling him he wasn't allowed to at his age (Even at that stage he believed us so that was OK) but even so, he was very angry and frustrated. Effectively we had taken his last bit of independence away. I know how my step-daughter suddenly had a new lease of life when she passed her driving test and off she went here & there on her own for the first time without having to ask for lifts, wait for the bus etc. Maybe this is a bit the same, but in reverse.

I can't comment on the meanness with money as , I have to admit, my dad is the opposite...not really got a bean in the world, but keeps offering to "pay my own way". But possibly that's down to how much we all say the basic personality is magnified by the awful AD...did she go through the rationing that Amy talks about etc etc.

Don't beat yourself up if you don't phone. You have other things to do as well and, emotionally, this is incredibly draining.

A regular booking with a taxi is a good idea. how about 2 or 3 times a week for the shops/ visiting a friend or whatever so she knows that she is going out on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday ( or whatever suits) and doesn't have to worry about arranging taxis. You could tell her the cost in advance too.

Good luck....let us know how it goes

Jarnee

 

[Helena]

Yes I thought of a regular arrangement with a Taxi firm

problem is knowing her she will forget the day
be asleep or not dressed

complain if the driver is "late"

Absolutely everything will be wrong
Most of the time all you get is long silences /blank stares/ totally the wrong words /cant explain herself

and in fact would not even be able to get round the supermarket on her own

She has a super Gardeneing girl who always comes at 12 on Saturdays and brings the saturday paper .......only numerous times Mother wont answer the door and then has the bloody cheek to claim the gardening girl has not been or is working over the road and she does not know who has left the newspaper

Apparently she has also complained to my sister that she has dividend cheques to pay in the bank ........but the bank wont take them .......presumably cos they are 6 months old or because she is incapable of filling in a paying in slip much less sign her name on cheques

None of this would be so bad if she would hand over the EPA that was signed 10 years ago but she kept and things were put on direct debit

She simply cannot manage her affairs but is insistant on staying in her own home yet theres no way she would have social services so short of getting her sectioned or putting her in receivership i dont know what we can do

 

[jarnee]

Oh

Have you got a good GP?
Can yo go to him/her for advice?

Can you talk to social services yourself for advice?

J

 

[Helena]

I do not even know the name of her GP and she hates him because she blames him for stopping her driving when in fact its DVLA

She tried to tell me theres nothing wrong with her driving ( you should see the damage to her car heaven help those she has hit ) and instead claimed the doctor stopped her because of her arms ,,,but she can driver perfectly

Even if I got the GP to call on her or social services she will not answer the door
and i cant take days off work to go

Apart from which she is so darn suspicous if I was there when GP or social services called guess who would be in the firing line

 

[jarnee]

Helena,

This sounds like a crisis !!!

Try your own GP (Think of your own sanity)

If your phone Social services and ask for the duty officer you will get advice even without them going to your mum's house

I got to go to work.

Please keep us informed...I'll log on later.....until then, you have a hug and I'll have a think !

Jarnee