Scared

[daveyshadow]

Hi I joined yesterday after having MIL diagnosed on Tuesday and all I read on here scares me for what lies ahead. FIL died last week and hubby and me picking up this situation with her whilst dealing with funeral's and the estate for him. We have managed to get carer's in 3 times a day but she is refusing food from them now. We have been going in every day for five weeks at varying times but now need to sort our lives as we live 10 miles away and have teenage children and full time jobs. Everything apart from existing has been on hold now for five weeks since FIL went to hospital and we started dealing with them both.
I struggle emotionally with dealing with MIL as when I first met her she was horrible to me (she was a contributory factor in break up of my BIL's marriage and his last long term relationship before he died 4 years ago). I have put up with her as she is my husband's mother and grandmother of my children and when I had the children she was not as bad to me. Now she is dependent on me for her care as I am self employed one day a week so can take her to appts etc. and my husband is not really a "caring" person especially when it comes to the practical things like washing clothes and changing bedding and being inventive with shopping lists!

 

[Tin]

Don't be too scared, you really can only do what you can. Good idea to get a system in place that suits you and your husband if you do not think it is time for a care home. If not already get local authority involved to see what they can offer. If she is capable of getting to various appointments by herself you could get a volunteer driver, but they do usually need booking well in advance. Lots of things you can do/arrange without being too involved or becoming her main carer. No need to tell you how things could be, you have seen the threads. Can only say that if I had a family of my own, I would have thought more about moving my mother in with me and becoming her carer 24/7.

 

[opaline]

My opinion is that you owe this woman nothing, whether she is ill or not is irrelevant, she was/is a nasty piece of work and no-one would judge you for walking away and leaving her care to the professionals as that's what will happen eventually anyway, xx

 

[Gigglemore]

Given your past relationship, I don't think that you should feel obliged to take up a caring role other than supporting your husband to decide on the best arrangements for her care.

Not sure from your post just how far her dementia has progressed nor what her financial position is now but wonder if she would agree to going for a little holiday i.e. respite in a care home? This will take the immediate pressure off you and give yourself and hubby a chance to see if this is a viable long-term solution.

Your teenagers are dealing with the loss of their grandfather and I am sure you would rather be spending time supporting them and your husband get through the grieving process.

Condolences on the loss of your FIL.

 

[daveyshadow]

Thanks

Thanks for the comments. We have had her assessed by SS, but as her financial position is good they just said yes she needs 3 - 4 visits a day here is the list of local care providers. The Care company we have going in are great, just we are all learning to deal with this as it is so new.

Because of her mental state and her sight problems she is unable to arrange or attend any appts on her own although I believe she is able to take personal care of herself at the moment. Just she has a litany of appts coming up and she will never remember what was said even if the League of Friends at her surgery take her:-
1 x sight review
1 x dentist (should have been in Sept but FIL cancelled)
1 x Head CT followed by 1 x consultant appt for formal diagnosis and treatment plans
1 x post surgery follow up for facial skin cancer (BCC I think)
1 x clinic appt for Lymphodema following mastectomy 5 1/2 years ago

She will also need to see her GP at some point.


I have managed to get appts for nail and hair cutting to come to the house and they can come when we are not there I hope if we leave the money in an envelope.

Biggest problems at the moment are eating and washing clothes, bedding and towels.
Once we get past the funeral next week and our eldest daughter returning to University we will be able to sort things a bit more.