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Scared

KatyKat

Registered User
May 8, 2022
111
0
I just got off the phone from a conversation with one of Mum's neighbors. She'd been over to check up on Mum but got no answer when she rang the doorbell. So I called Mum, and as it turns out she heard the doorbell but was upstairs working on something and didn't want to run to the door, and so she just missed seeing the neighbor.

Anyway, the neighbor and I got talking and she asked what's the possibility of me moving in with Mum or taking her into my house. Now Is it just me or were those extremely personal questions?

Anyway, I'm shaking now. I think my heart nearly stopped at the mere thought of living with that walking hysterical demented Hell on earth. I nearly died of living with her (literally) in my 20s. This time, I know will be the end as I'm still trying to recover from CPTSD that I got from an abusive marriage.. I won't survive one more round of Mum's manipulation and gaslighting.

Anyone could tell me to just say "no" to demands to move Mum into my house, but I'm afraid the neighbors will call social services and complain that she's neglected. That probably sounds paranoid, but I'm "catching" Mum's depression and paranoia just by being around her 40+ hrs per week.

How do we, as caregivers, protect ourselves from the expectations of others?
 

JanBWiltshire

Registered User
Jun 23, 2020
159
0
It can make you feel guilty not wanting to care for an elderly parent but it is just as brave to say it isn’t for you, as looking after her. I knew I couldn’t possibly cope with dealing with my mother and that it wouldn’t be the right thing for me to even try.

Be proud of yourself that you are not under the illusion of being able to even contemplate moving in. People can judge all they like but you have to do what is right for you and your mother.

I have never regretted the lightbulb moment where I admitted to myself I couldn’t cope with dementia and it freed me. I hope you can allow yourself that, too.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
847
0
In the UK there is no legal duty to care for a parent although Social Services (and others) will try to put pressure on you to do so. You are caring for your mother 40 hours a week, which is a lot. Most sole carers find that they cannot manage the whole of the person's dementia journey, even with paid carers coming in. Eventually, the person needs a team of people to look after him/her, which will generally be in a care home, although some families manage where there are several family members all stepping up and providing hands-on care (which is quite rare).

The opinions of people who are not providing care don't matter and should be ignored as they don't know the full reality of the situation. I don't think that you should move in with your mother or move your mother in with you. If your mother can no longer live at home in safety and dignity then it is time to consider a care home for her.
 

KatyKat

Registered User
May 8, 2022
111
0
It can make you feel guilty not wanting to care for an elderly parent but it is just as brave to say it isn’t for you, as looking after her. I knew I couldn’t possibly cope with dealing with my mother and that it wouldn’t be the right thing for me to even try.

Be proud of yourself that you are not under the illusion of being able to even contemplate moving in. People can judge all they like but you have to do what is right for you and your mother.

I have never regretted the lightbulb moment where I admitted to myself I couldn’t cope with dementia and it freed me. I hope you can allow yourself that, too.
Thanks for your response. I don't feel guilty, just paranoid. I'm worried that people with call the authorities and complain that Mum isn't being properly cared for. It's hard to explain, but I've read lots of horror stories about honest caregivers being taken to court over perceived neglect.

The sad part is that if anyone is suffering from abuse, it's me. Mum is getting aggressive and has been violent toward me recently. Fortunately, no one got hurt this time. I hope there won't be a next time.
 

KatyKat

Registered User
May 8, 2022
111
0
Thanks for your response. I don't feel guilty, just paranoid. I'm worried that someone may call the authorities to complain that Mum isn't being properly cared for. It's hard to explain, but I've read lots of horror stories about honest caregivers being taken to court over perceived neglect.

The sad part is that if anyone is suffering from abuse, it's me. Mum is getting aggressive and has been violent toward me recently. Fortunately, no one got hurt this time. I hope there won't be a next time.
 

KatyKat

Registered User
May 8, 2022
111
0
In the UK there is no legal duty to care for a parent although Social Services (and others) will try to put pressure on you to do so. You are caring for your mother 40 hours a week, which is a lot. Most sole carers find that they cannot manage the whole of the person's dementia journey, even with paid carers coming in. Eventually, the person needs a team of people to look after him/her, which will generally be in a care home, although some families manage where there are several family members all stepping up and providing hands-on care (which is quite rare).

The opinions of people who are not providing care don't matter and should be ignored as they don't know the full reality of the situation. I don't think that you should move in with your mother or move your mother in with you. If your mother can no longer live at home in safety and dignity then it is time to consider a care home for her.
I think Mum's still able to manage with me assisting as I'm now doing. It's her preference to stay at home anyway. I don't know that I have the authority to place her in a care home without her consent at this point. I still need to seek the advice of an attorney in this matter. And if I was able to opt for care home placement, Mum's money may run out before she dies. It's a common problem here.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
2,029
0
65
London
You do not have to live with a parent to be their effective carer. I am certainly never going to live with my father. I visit him weekly for one or two nights, manage his house, his finances, his shopping and menus, laundry, and his care arrangements. Carers visit daily. I see it as my job to make sure he is properly looked after, not to live there. You can be a caregiver without being a resident caregiver.
 

KatyKat

Registered User
May 8, 2022
111
0
You do not have to live with a parent to be their effective carer. I am certainly never going to live with my father. I visit him weekly for one or two nights, manage his house, his finances, his shopping and menus, laundry, and his care arrangements. Carers visit daily. I see it as my job to make sure he is properly looked after, not to live there. You can be a caregiver without being a resident caregiver.
Yes, I do know. I can see that eventually we will have to hire help. It's just a matter of getting Mum to agree to having "strangers" in her house, plus the expense.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
847
0
@KatyKat, I assume that you are living in North America. What is the role of Social Services in relation to people with dementia there? Do they not carry out needs assessments for people with dementia and carer assessments for people doing the caring? Do they fund care if the person has limited income and assets?

I get the impression that you are doing the caring alone with no support either from other family members or paid carers. That doesn't seem sustainable long term as you are clearly already struggling. I also get the impression that you are frightened of Social Services and that this might be holding you back from accessing support. Are there local dementia organisations or carers hubs that you could go to advice and support?

I think that there is a high bar for prosecuting carers for neglect. The care would have to be grossly inadequate or neglectful.
 

KatyKat

Registered User
May 8, 2022
111
0
@KatyKat, I assume that you are living in North America. What is the role of Social Services in relation to people with dementia there? Do they not carry out needs assessments for people with dementia and carer assessments for people doing the caring? Do they fund care if the person has limited income and assets?

I get the impression that you are doing the caring alone with no support either from other family members or paid carers. That doesn't seem sustainable long term as you are clearly already struggling. I also get the impression that you are frightened of Social Services and that this might be holding you back from accessing support. Are there local dementia organisations or carers hubs that you could go to advice and support?

I think that there is a high bar for prosecuting carers for neglect. The care would have to be grossly inadequate or neglectful.
As Mum's GP pointed out, we could call SS to have an in home assessment done. Mum has vehemently refused and said she won't have strangers looking her house over. She has become very paranoid and is afraid her neighbors, plus the catholic priest across the street, are in a conspiracy to force her out of her house. Plus, Mum's income is limited but not limited enough to entitle her to help from Medicaid -- which is a common problem here.

There are no support organisations for caregivers in this area. The closest is a 4 hour drive from here.

Maybe I'm just worried over nothing. As I said, I'm "catching" Mum's depression and paranoia, as if it was a virus, and I have read horror stories.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
2,530
0
cornwall
I just got off the phone from a conversation with one of Mum's neighbors. She'd been over to check up on Mum but got no answer when she rang the doorbell. So I called Mum, and as it turns out she heard the doorbell but was upstairs working on something and didn't want to run to the door, and so she just missed seeing the neighbor.

Anyway, the neighbor and I got talking and she asked what's the possibility of me moving in with Mum or taking her into my house. Now Is it just me or were those extremely personal questions?

Anyway, I'm shaking now. I think my heart nearly stopped at the mere thought of living with that walking hysterical demented Hell on earth. I nearly died of living with her (literally) in my 20s. This time, I know will be the end as I'm still trying to recover from CPTSD that I got from an abusive marriage.. I won't survive one more round of Mum's manipulation and gaslighting.

Anyone could tell me to just say "no" to demands to move Mum into my house, but I'm afraid the neighbors will call social services and complain that she's neglected. That probably sounds paranoid, but I'm "catching" Mum's depression and paranoia just by being around her 40+ hrs per week.

How do we, as caregivers, protect ourselves from the expectations of others?
Hi. I'm a bit guilty of that with dad .We never had a good relationship when I was young. He can manipulate still. He does that with the carers but not with me any longer.I know the game. There is a carer who will consider dad correct on everything and me , I know nothing.
I consider dad to lack capacity in a lot these days and I have LPOA. I know dad needs a care home as his needs are greater these days.BUT I loth to do anything about it as she will be the first one to take his side when he moans about it...So I leave it. I'm waiting for the crisis which takes it out of my hands. Plus I look on it this way.SS have duty of care as well as the doctor so they can deal with it Dad is also self funding.
In answer to your questions they were personal questions.Is the neighbour getting fed up of checking on her perhaps?
As @ your mum and yourself I would just ignore the neighbour and carry on. As a daughter you are under no obligation ( difficult I know) to move her into yours or vice versa. As long as your mum appears to be eating well etc there is not much to be done.. Especially if from your mum it's a resounding 'no'.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,428
0
South coast
Anyway, the neighbor and I got talking and she asked what's the possibility of me moving in with Mum or taking her into my house. Now Is it just me or were those extremely personal questions?
I think that these are very personal questions too.
I dont know the legal system in US, but I cant see that you could be taken to court for neglect when your mum is refusing all offers of help.
 

T1000

Registered User
Feb 3, 2022
106
0
I can completely empathise and think that if you are already doing 40 hours care that is already enough. Surely no one can expect more. I suffered much manipulation from mum and never had a great relationship as I worked, studied, was responsible and she took these as personal affronts to the life she chose not to have. Now she has alzheimers, I daftly allowed her to come live with us and it's been 3 years now. She will pretend to people to be fine, and agrees with me on one hand about certain things, then says other things to other people, and she is only at the beginning of her journey. If you allow yourself to be pulled in, you might never leave. Focus on your needs, your life sounds exhausting enough as it is caring for her.
 

KatyKat

Registered User
May 8, 2022
111
0
Hi. I'm a bit guilty of that with dad .We never had a good relationship when I was young. He can manipulate still. He does that with the carers but not with me any longer.I know the game. There is a carer who will consider dad correct on everything and me , I know nothing.
I consider dad to lack capacity in a lot these days and I have LPOA. I know dad needs a care home as his needs are greater these days.BUT I loth to do anything about it as she will be the first one to take his side when he moans about it...So I leave it. I'm waiting for the crisis which takes it out of my hands. Plus I look on it this way.SS have duty of care as well as the doctor so they can deal with it Dad is also self funding.
In answer to your questions they were personal questions.Is the neighbour getting fed up of checking on her perhaps?
As @ your mum and yourself I would just ignore the neighbour and carry on. As a daughter you are under no obligation ( difficult I know) to move her into yours or vice versa. As long as your mum appears to be eating well etc there is not much to be done.. Especially if from your mum it's a resounding 'no'.
As far as I know, the neighbor hasn't been checking in on Mum at all. When Dad passed several months ago, all the neighbors were on Mum's doorstep with food and offers of every kind of help, but they went away quite a while back. These days, Mum complains she "never" hears from anyone, and she has complained of this particular neighbor being "nosy" in the past. I'd understand if the neighbor was tired of doing stuff for Mum, but neither Mum nor I have asked for her assistance, so she's just butting in with her questions/opinions.

I'm concerned that Mum isn't eating well on weekends when I'm gone. There seems to be too much food still in the house on Monday morning. Her 95 year old sister was placed in a dementia care facility in Jan. 2022, and one of the reasons was because she refused to eat when alone. Mum has a fairly good appetite and eats all of what I put on her plate, Mon-Fri, when I'm there to do the cooking. However, I have a bad feeling that she could be going on a weekend hunger strike to punish me for having my own separate life.
 

KatyKat

Registered User
May 8, 2022
111
0
I think that these are very personal questions too.
I dont know the legal system in US, but I cant see that you could be taken to court for neglect when your mum is refusing all offers of help.
Canary, I hope you are right. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I was freaked out by this neighbor's call, because I recently read a news article about a woman in the states who was sole caregiver to her elderly parent and one of the parents neighbors (a person unknown to the caregiver) reported her to SS for abuse. Nuisance lawsuits and false accusations of abuse/neglect are a growing problem here apparently. I hope to see an elder law specialist soon to get Mum and me better protected.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,428
0
South coast
I hope to see an elder law specialist soon to get Mum and me better protected.
That sounds like a good idea.
Would they be able to give financial advice, so that you you could ensure your mum doesnt run out of money if she has to move to a care home?
 

KatyKat

Registered User
May 8, 2022
111
0
That sounds like a good idea.
Would they be able to give financial advice, so that you you could ensure your mum doesnt run out of money if she has to move to a care home?
From what I've heard the answer is yes, although if things get complicated, we might also have to hire a care management specialist. All of this is very costly, which is frustrating, given that Mum has to keep as much of her savings intact as possible to pay for either in home nursing care or placement in a residential facility.