1. msbgknickers

    msbgknickers Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Hello, I found this site while surfing in the middle of the night. While it may not answer my questions it is both comforting and unsettling to know I am not alone. My mother passed away suddenly a week ago. For years she had refused to admit there was anything wrong with my father or even discuss it. She wore the pants. Myself, brother and sister are watching Dad. At night things change. My sister no longer stays at night as he made advances towards her thinking she was his wife. Tonight my brother and I are staying. He had kissed me earlier in a non fatherly way. I am writing this sitting in the living room with my brother as Dad has demanded I go up to bed with him. Returning twice to warn me that he was angry that I did not move. Threatening to give me a clip around the ear and even turning on my brother. I stayed calm but am shaking inside. Any advice how to deal with this situation?
    Thank you for listening.
  2. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    Welcome to TP where I'm sure you will find both support but also useful advice and guidance from those with similar experience. Firstly, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this so soon after your Mums unexpected death ... My condolences to you.
    I'm afraid I can't help you specifically around Dad's behaviour but I have read about this inappropriate aspect within the dementia spectrum. It may be useful to identify the other types of issues Dad has that Mum wouldn't acknowledge also and speak to one of the specialist helplines to get their input. Keep yourself safe must be the priority here. Take care and again, sorry you are having to manage this and grieve.
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    Welcome to TP - I'm sorry you have had to find us all here in such circumstances, but glad that you have.
    There are a lot of wise people on TP and I'm sure some others will reply soon.

    I am concerned for your safety and also for your brother's - along with your father's.
    I don't know how old you are - or whether you have anywhere else to go - maybe to your sister's? If your father can be left for the night, it may well be best to do that and work out what else to do in the morning.
    Do not be afraid to call the police if you are threatened - they are used to tricky situations and will support you.
    You must keep yourself safe - you are not responsible for the behaviour of your father.
    Contact Social Services in the morning and make clear that your father needs help and that you are not in a position to stay with him.
  4. msbgknickers

    msbgknickers Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Thank you so much for responding. We have our own homes but think it better to be here. The night we left he wandered at 2.00am to get a paper and the neighbors called the police. We hear him pacing upstairs. It is the same feeling you would get in a haunted house. Just knowing you are out there helps.
  5. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    Hello msbgknickers and welcome to TP :)

    I think your situation is a very difficult one, and it must be so hard to decide what to do first. I agree with others that if you fear for your safety, you must call the police. There is very little that they have not come across, and they will help you. Make sure you have a mobile phone charged, and on you, at all times.

    I don't want to sound too dramatic, but it seems to me that your father needs an urgent medical assessment. Have you contacted his GP and requested a home visit / mental health assessment? If not, I hope you will do so as soon as possible. You must be in turmoil.....but you dad is too, and he needs help.

    In addition to this, you could phone social services adult care to request a similarly urgent assessment. You will have to make it clear how difficult things are.....but they may be able to offer much more help than you know...I hope so :)

    Others will be along with more suggestions I am sure. In the meantime, can I offer you my sincere condolences on the loss of your mum. You are all pulling together but grief and worry are exhausting. Take care of yourselves and keep in touch.

    All the best :)

    Lindy xx
  6. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    Hi msbg, welcome to the club
    Unfortunately it looks like you can't go on like it is, unfortunately in some inappropriate sexual behaviour occurs in some people both men and women and it is difficult to cope with specially as it's usually family. I often wonder how care home workers it must happen to them quite regularly, I suppose you have to recognise that part of the disease is the loss of social control, this is just one form of its manifestation.
    You need to get Social Services to do an assessment of his needs and work out the best way forward, but you would have be ready in case they suggest a home.
    Although you, your sister and brother may be willing to care for him the situation means that might not be the best option so an independent assessment from the professionals specially as he seems to be aggressive and confrontational.
    There will be a number available for an out of hours duty social worker available on the net for your area you could call them now, discuss the situation and see what they advise, sometime going down the "emergency" route in the first instance can fast track their reaction, otherwise you may have to wait for them to get round to you.
  7. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    I agree Kevinl, it can be helpful to phone the Out of Hours Duty social worker if needed. They will make a quick assessment and come out to the house if it's an emergency.
  8. VickyG

    VickyG Registered User

    Feb 6, 2013
    Good morning and welcome to TP,

    Firstly let me say how sorry I am to hear that your Mum has passed away, my sincere condolences are with you and your family.
    Secondly, I hope you've managed to get through the night ok, and if you haven't already done so , please, please contact Social Services and the Police NOW. As other posters on here have already said, safety is paramount for all concerned. It's a really difficult situation to be in, but you must act on this now, it can and will escalate at some point.

    Take care now, thinking of you x
  9. jen54

    jen54 Registered User

    May 20, 2014
    #9 jen54, Jan 15, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2015
    although I haven't any idea of how bad your dads dementia is, he may well settle, my mum went really off the scale for a few weeks after dad died, to a point she couldnt recall who had died and had gone back into the past saying it was her mum, dad who had died, her brain point blank refused to acknowledge he had gone, she displayed really odd behaviour , became quite agressive and aggitated towards people. If you look like your mum, this would re inforce your dads need for your mum to still be there :( of course I have no idea what your dad was like before your mum died, only that grief, shock and stress made our mum act as if she was totally demented, - the stress, grief must be horrendous, but add dementia and people seem to react really badly, we thought mum had taken a huge nose dive and thought she would not be able to continue living in her home, but she did come back to just the managable confusion and no short term memory :(
  10. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    This is one for professional help ASAP. Dad needs to be assessed as to whether or not he can continue to live alone. Clearly you and your siblings are not safe to be with him either on your own or together. Emergency social services dealing with dementia clients is a first step but also his GP to see if they are aware of his illness and its progress. As others have said the police deal with these situations and are not going to jail him but will report back and in extreme cases will section him ie psychiatric hospital.
  11. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    So sorry for the loss of your Mum, your grief must be bad enough without the very sad situation caused by your poor Dad's dementia. I do hope you and your siblings are able to access some help for your Dad today, it's good that you can support each other at this terribly difficult time.
  12. msbgknickers

    msbgknickers Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Hello, We managed the night. jen54, 1 hope he can rally like your Mum but each day something else is lost. Today he forgot where the bathroom is. We had seen social services and their response to a late might call was wait until morning. The internet is a wealth of information and sites like this helpful. We have contacted a solicitor to file for an order of protection and have 'a professional' sourcing our options. We will have to sell the home to pay for his care but as long as Dad is safe that is all that matters. He seems like a lost soul who will never smile again. Another night in the living room with my brother. One good thing is that I am getting closer to my brother and sister. Good wishes to all that have been touched by this awful disease.
  13. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    Thanks for posting msbgknickers, and all the best :)

    While it is very likely that you will have to sell the home, do look into options.

    Be aware that there is CHC funding for those in need of continuing, complex health care (this funding is difficult but not impossible to get). Also in the event that your dad were sectioned under the Mental Health Act section 3, what is termed after care under section 117 would also be free.

    But if you have professional help, they'll know all that. And if your dad's condition improves a bit as we all hope, then neither of these funding options is likely to be relevant.

    All the best to you. Glad you're getting to know your siblings better, that's a good thing, anyway :D xx
  14. msbgknickers

    msbgknickers Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Last night Dad was 10 years old. We looked at old photos and he told me about his family. He was happy for 30 minutes. Getting to bed was an issue and my brother and I were exhausted. At 2.30 he snuck out past us, out of the back door, broke the garage door and escaped. He walked to the train station and onto a live track. He is gone. My wonderful gentle father is now physically gone.
  15. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    OMG msbgknickers, do you mean what I think you do? :eek: Gone, as in gone? :(

    So sorry to hear this....don't know what else to say other than to send you hugs.....

    Lindy xx
  16. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle Registered User

    Jul 2, 2012
    South West France
    Oh god. That's dreadful. How awful for you all. I too am sending hugs to you.
  17. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    I have no idea what to say, how to reply - you are in my thoughts.
  18. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    So sorry, I started reading your thread last night and could not stop thinking of you today, wondering how you and your brother got through the night. I am so so sorry to read your last post.
  19. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    And I thought I'd read it all. I didn't even know your father and I just cried. I am so so sorry. Please don't blame yourself in any way. You can't watch someone all the time.
  20. Margaret79

    Margaret79 Registered User

    Oh no, how awful. My thoughts are with you and your family. What a tragedy :(

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