Scared now.......

Angela57

Registered User
Jan 22, 2016
195
0
My recent thread was because for over 2 months now, my mum has refused to see me or speak on the phone to me, however today, she had the home call me to say she wants to see me, and I am visiting tomorrow at 10am. I do call the home every week to see how she is.

The background is that I lived with and looked after her for 7 years prior to her going in a home 2 years ago.

The staff member informed me that today she saw a consultant privately for a prolapse because she felt the wait for NHS was too long. I was aware of this because I have POA and gave the financial go ahead for the private consultation. However, the consultant didn't think it warranted an operation and attempted to explain to mum that even if it did, due to essential medication having to be stopped prior to the op, she may not recover at all, so he would not be willing to do it.

My concern is that for the last 9 years, when things don't go as mum wants/demands, she takes it out on me and is emotionally hurtful to the point of cruel, and I'm dreading the visit because she expects me to have a magic wand that will make everything as she wants it to be. The reason she's refused to see me recently was nothing to do with me, but due to a dislike to a staff member at the home.

Does anyone have any advise about how I can discuss this with her tomorrow without upsetting her? I'm at a total loss, and not sure how much more I can take before I end up turning my back on her.
 

DeMartin

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
711
0
Kent
I’d leave it to her to bring up any subject, greet her with happiness, keep a smile on your face, be (apparently) cheerful.

If things, conversation get difficult, head for the loo for a few deep breaths.

Good luck
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
I agree with DeMartin, don't prejudge what will happen, don't bring any subject up yourself, and if a personal attack starts beat a discreet retreat as you don't have to take that.
 

nellbelles

Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
9,842
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leicester
I don’t think you will able to discuss it with your Mum it really sounds like she has lost that ability, but it seems that the one person they recognise and feel are important to them are almost always to blame for everything they can’t comprehend.
I hope you can have a good visit and maybe even build some bridges
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,962
0
Kent
I agree with others...breeze in with a smile..a cake..make a cup of tea for you both and don't mention previous problems. If your mum starts to berate you or get grumpy make a hasty exit.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Another thing you could do if she starts complaining that the doctor wont operate (dont bring the subject up yourself) is say "Really? I must have a word with him" then quickly change the subject.
 

Angela57

Registered User
Jan 22, 2016
195
0
I know she will be obsessed with this diagnoses. I've lived with her too long, and know that all she thinks about in life are her illnesses.

Thank you all, for your advice, I wouldn't have brought it up anyway. And will certainly try to divert the conversation when mum brings it up. It's never worked in the past though. I'm even taking my dog, who she loves in the attempt to distract her.

But you are right @karokePete, I shouldn't have to keep taking this from her. So I will walk away if/when she starts being nasty towards me, as I have in the past while she's been in the home, but for good. This is her last chance with me. If I appear harsh, I apologise, but no one knows what she's put me through in the past, to the point that I lost the will to live myself.

And a at the moment I have my dad on end of life in another home too. She's just overloading me with all her nastiness now.
 

Angela57

Registered User
Jan 22, 2016
195
0
Another thing you could do if she starts complaining that the doctor wont operate (dont bring the subject up yourself) is say "Really? I must have a word with him" then quickly change the subject.
I could say I'll give him a call, but she would want to know the next time I visit what he said, everything has to be yesterday with mum, hence the private consultation. Her memory loss seems selective, the majority of things she can't recall within minutes, but anything regarding her problems, she never forgets unless she has an infection. But for years, she's not been able to be reasoned with or follow any conversation except for very simple questions.So my explaining, which is what she demands, is futile and she gets angry with me. But if I change the subject and try to divert, she gets angry because I'm not answering her question. I'm sure others must experience this too.

Thank you canary.
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,242
0
Cotswolds
Dear @Angela57
This sounds like a very difficult situation and I can ‘hear’ that you are at the end of your tether :(
I think it’s a great idea to take your dog, and to know that you won’t put up with gratuitous nastiness from your mum.
Could you have a response such as ‘I’ll talk to the doctor about it ‘ and just stick with that? If the subject comes up? And keep your visit as short and hopefully sweet as possible....fingers crossed x
Good luck and (((hugs))) to you.
Lindy xx
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
@Angela57, don't lose the will to live. Come on here when you need support and if that isn't enough do remember the help line 0300 222 11 22

We are all here for you. Stand tall and strong. Best of luck to you.

You are going through a lot. I hope you don't mind me sending you a virtual ((HUG)).
 

Angela57

Registered User
Jan 22, 2016
195
0
Dear @Angela57
This sounds like a very difficult situation and I can ‘hear’ that you are at the end of your tether :(
I think it’s a great idea to take your dog, and to know that you won’t put up with gratuitous nastiness from your mum.
Could you have a response such as ‘I’ll talk to the doctor about it ‘ and just stick with that? If the subject comes up? And keep your visit as short and hopefully sweet as possible....fingers crossed x
Good luck and (((hugs))) to you.
Lindy xx
Hi Lindy50

Thank you for your reply, I've read my reply to canary and haven't explained myself well enough. Of course I answer my mum when she asks with a quick answer, that I always hope she will accept, and attempt to change the subject. But mum always wants an in depth discussion, but cannot take in the explanation. If I spent an hour trying to get her to understand, it would be hopeless. Yet when she cannot understand, it's my fault, and if I say I'll look into it for it for her, the next visit will be just as bad, more questions. She has been diagnosed with AZ 7 years ago, but also with personality disorder 2 years ago when she entered the home and had extensive tests.

I don't know if it's the AZ or personality disorder that makes her how she is.

Thank you for the hugs, sending hugs in return x
 

Angela57

Registered User
Jan 22, 2016
195
0
@Angela57, don't lose the will to live. Come on here when you need support and if that isn't enough do remember the help line 0300 222 11 22

We are all here for you. Stand tall and strong. Best of luck to you.

You are going through a lot. I hope you don't mind me sending you a virtual ((HUG)).
Not at all! The virtual hug is much appreciated! Thank you.
 

Angela57

Registered User
Jan 22, 2016
195
0
I've been reading your replies again, and a heartfelt thank you to you all.

I will leave quickly if mum starts with her threats or aggressive behaviour, or even just shouting at me. Which will possibly leave me in the same situation I've been in for the last couple of months. Refusal to see or speak to me...... She will do that because I haven't kissed her goodbye, but nothing I can do about that if she's trying to hit me and screaming at me.

I'm very grateful, thank you. X
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
But mum always wants an in depth discussion, but cannot take in the explanation. If I spent an hour trying to get her to understand, it would be hopeless.
So dont try and explain, just stick to " Ill talk to the doctor" - repeat as necessary.

I do hope it goes well and your fears are unfounded
 

Angela57

Registered User
Jan 22, 2016
195
0
Just back from visiting mum, I stayed 10 minutes. Just as I suspected she wanted me there to have a go at me and to try to make me argue with her, which I have never done because confrontation makes me feel ill.

Firstly she wanted to know why she can't have the operation, and I did as suggested and said I'd speak with the doctor. Then out of the blue she said she wants to take over her own finances and doesn't want me to have POA any more, so I said she must do what she thinks best and changed the subject, but she wasn't letting it go, kept saying that I won't allow her to go on trips with the home (I paid her monthly spends bill yesterday and she's been on 3 trips last month). So I told her I hadnt come to argue and I would have to leave if she wouldn't stop shouting at me.. So she told me to go, and I did after giving her a kiss goodbye.

She cannot deal with her own finances, so I've suggested that mum needs an assessment, and asked for the manager to call me when she's next at the home, so that we can discuss this.
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,962
0
Kent
Just back from visiting mum, I stayed 10 minutes. Just as I suspected she wanted me there to have a go at me and to try to make me argue with her, which I have never done because confrontation makes me feel ill.

Firstly she wanted to know why she can't have the operation, and I did as suggested and said I'd speak with the doctor. Then out of the blue she said she wants to take over her own finances and doesn't want me to have POA any more, so I said she must do what she thinks best and changed the subject, but she wasn't letting it go, kept saying that I won't allow her to go on trips with the home (I paid her monthly spends bill yesterday and she's been on 3 trips last month). So I told her I hadnt come to argue and I would have to leave if she wouldn't stop shouting at me.. So she told me to go, and I did after giving her a kiss goodbye.

She cannot deal with her own finances, so I've suggested that mum needs an assessment, and asked for the manager to call me when she's next at the home, so that we can discuss this.
Am sorry to hear your visit went as you feared. A chat on all matters about your mum in the home with the manager sounds a good idea and it may also help you in that if she/he understands how things have and are affecting you she may have some good advice from her experience. Could you arrange a face to face meeting instead of phone conversation as I often found for me that was better and not so rushed. If she is deemed not to have mental capacity now then she cannot take back control of her finances No doubt they have seen this before. Remember the problem is not you or caused by you...even if she was difficult and abrasive with you pre dementia..the illness has exacerbated that..am not making excuses for how she is but just how things are. Try and keep up regular contact with the home even if not seeing your mum. As she declines further it may all change and tension lessens. As she loses more awareness and has less joined up thinking of why she feels such hostility to you it may all become calmer. We don't wish for our loved ones to decline and there is a chance that one problem lessens and is replaced by a different one but sometimes decline whilst sad makes things easier in some areas.
 

Angela57

Registered User
Jan 22, 2016
195
0
Am sorry to hear your visit went as you feared. A chat on all matters about your mum in the home with the manager sounds a good idea and it may also help you in that if she/he understands how things have and are affecting you she may have some good advice from her experience. Could you arrange a face to face meeting instead of phone conversation as I often found for me that was better and not so rushed. If she is deemed not to have mental capacity now then she cannot take back control of her finances No doubt they have seen this before. Remember the problem is not you or caused by you...even if she was difficult and abrasive with you pre dementia..the illness has exacerbated that..am not making excuses for how she is but just how things are. Try and keep up regular contact with the home even if not seeing your mum. As she declines further it may all change and tension lessens. As she loses more awareness and has less joined up thinking of why she feels such hostility to you it may all become calmer. We don't wish for our loved ones to decline and there is a chance that one problem lessens and is replaced by a different one but sometimes decline whilst sad makes things easier in some areas.
Hi love.dad.but... I will suggest a face to face meeting with the manager as you have suggested, thank you for that. I've already said that I will continue to call each week to see how mum is doing. I came away trembling, that's the affect that mum's anger has on me, but I'm beginning to calm down now. Mum also insisted that I take her cheque book to the home for her, which I said I would do soon, but she insisted that I take it back right away, which I don't intend to do today. She does her utmost to bully me, and as pathetic as I must be, she gets me into a state every time. What's happened today, will play on my mind for ages now.

I'm hoping that if she has an assessment that it will show that she lacks capacity, because as things are now, she is considered to have capacity.