Scared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

[morgaine]

HI, just been flicking through various posts and found sad so many going through this nightmare, and yet comfort so much mutual support and understanding. I'm 47 with an 88 yr old mum, today diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimer - myself and my daughter, (and mum), suspected for nearly a year. Brain currently overwhelmed, so much to think about, and that's before letting feelings in - daren't go there yet .
First dilemma - I have three sister in their 60's, 2 live hour and half away and have always had difficult relationship with mum so not overly helpful. 3rd sister lives nearer than myself but has always had a very negative outlook on life, and moans and complains about everything -especially if not done her way. She cleans for mum weekly and is great in helping out with all the practical stuff BUT constantly criticizes mum frequently has her in tears over nothing. My daughter and I, who see more of mum than anyone, have both tried to politely' and slightly less so, point out to sis to chill out a bit - not worked. Just don't think I can cope with helping mum AND dealing with all my sisters too. Specially as recently set up own business and just started a uni degree. Sorry to just moan but any advice/suggestions most appreciated. And more importantly, to everyone out there - keep the faith, much love, joy and peace to you all, Morgaine xxx

 

[jaymor]

Hi moraine ,

It is a difficult path we follow when dealing with dementia. Upsetting and making a dementia suffer anxious and agitated is not going to make life easy. As long as there is no danger then it is best to go along with them. Not sure from your post what your sister is saying to upset your mum so don't quite know what to say or suggest.

Most carers would agree that going along with the sufferer, as long as it is safe to do so, is the best way. If my husband had said it was raining when in fact the sun was shining I would agree it was raining and tell him the forecast was for sun later in the day. If he thought it was raining then it was. Why argue and both get uptight when it is not necessary. I know I would get agitated and upset if someone kept telling me I was wrong. It is difficult to stop continually putting them right but so much easier to get through the day if you avoid any conflict.

Maybe find some posts that show ways of dealing with the problems you have and show them to your sisters. Be careful not to show them your post or you may add to your problems.

Take care

Jay.




Sent from my iPad using Talking Point mobile app

 

[starryuk]

Hi Morgaine,

I am sorry to hear of your mum's diagnosis, and, yes, it is very scary at first. There will be lots of support and advice here for you, though and you will learn how to cope as you go along.

As you read, you will begin to realise things you need to do such as getting Power of Attorney for your mum, so that you can manage her finances for her when the time comes (if you don't already have it.)

There are many experienced people here who can advise you...I am quite new to it all myself.

Keep posting ,

xx

 

[FifiMo]

You might have a unique opportunity with your sisters when you tell them about the diagnosis. I would tell them that the consultant has given strict instructions that your mum is to be kept as calm and contented as possible. The less stress she is exposed to the better. I would then print off a copy of the first post on the following thread and tell them that this explains things just as the consultant told you.

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

I know your mind is on overload but it is really about taking a day at a time. You can scare yourself no end about what might happen but everyone's journey is different. That is why it is best to deal with the issues or challenges that your mum might encounter as and when they appear. Although you are the one doing the panicking your mum is probably unchanged from a few days ago when she had her diagnosis. This is what you need to bear in mind and ok she will have days that are better than others but make the best of those times when she is having a good day. Any challenges that she currently has, see what you can do to work around them for her...anything that makes her happy and contented is really what she needs.

Anything you need help with the just give us all a shout.

Fiona

 

[starryuk]

There are many experienced people here who can advise you...

FifiMo, How did you know I was thinking of you when I posted the above? You are always so calm, practical and kind.

Morgaine, just to say I hope you are feeling a little calmer and less scared this morning, especially since FifiMo's post.

xx

 

[Dazmum]

It is scary Morgaine, but there is so much support and understanding it, it really does help. There is a useful thread called 'compassionate communication', which is incredibly helpful and may help your sister understand better, so that your mum isn't upset. I remember before my mum was diagnosed feeling quite exasperated that she couldn't remember how to do some very simple things that she'd always done, like making an omelette. I think I was very scared that she couldn't remember and it made me snappy. I'm quite ashamed of it now.

As Fifimo says, everyone is different, so take one day at a time, and come back and talk to us, or have a rant if you need to xxx

Just realised I've posted the same link as everyone else, I am sorry, but at least it shows how helpful we all find it!

 

[morgaine]

Big thank you for all your messages of advice and support, especially the 'compassionate communication'. Going to use it in info pack to share with all family, great idea to say how the medical profession advocate calmness etc. Will definitely be here regularly, warm thoughts to everyone, love Morgaine x

 

[CoralBlue]

HI, just been flicking through various posts and found sad so many going through this nightmare, and yet comfort so much mutual support and understanding. I'm 47 with an 88 yr old mum, today diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimer - myself and my daughter, (and mum), suspected for nearly a year. Brain currently overwhelmed, so much to think about, and that's before letting feelings in - daren't go there yet .
First dilemma - I have three sister in their 60's, 2 live hour and half away and have always had difficult relationship with mum so not overly helpful. 3rd sister lives nearer than myself but has always had a very negative outlook on life, and moans and complains about everything -especially if not done her way. She cleans for mum weekly and is great in helping out with all the practical stuff BUT constantly criticizes mum frequently has her in tears over nothing. My daughter and I, who see more of mum than anyone, have both tried to politely' and slightly less so, point out to sis to chill out a bit - not worked. Just don't think I can cope with helping mum AND dealing with all my sisters too. Specially as recently set up own business and just started a uni degree. Sorry to just moan but any advice/suggestions most appreciated. And more importantly, to everyone out there - keep the faith, much love, joy and peace to you all, Morgaine xxx

My Dad has just been diagnosed. It took all my courage to look at this website. I too am terrified.

 

[Dazmum]

It does take courage, CoralBlue, again I remember that feeling well, and the fear I felt. Now you have done it, and you will be glad you did for the advice, support and friendship. Everyone here will have had similar worries to you, and will always understand. There is no such thing as a silly question, so ask away whenever you need to xxx