Saying hallo

[Nick2502]

Hi - I'm new to the forum, and just wanted to say hello. I'm Nick, and I am here as my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers a few weeks ago. It has been a very difficult time for her, and for me and my family - we have two young children, and I am disabled and running my own business. We live about 12 miles from my mother, and my brother lives a couple of hours drive away - he has his own health problems! I'm quite sure that I am not experiencing any new or unheard of, but I would really appreciate some advice and suggestions about a couple of things (to start with!) - please feel free to re-direct me to previous threads - no need to re-type whole sections!
Right now, there are a few major problems - first, money. My mother has plenty of money, but will not believe that she has. My brother and I have been through statements with her many, many times, and she has asked for temporary statements at the bank on enough occasions now to be seen as a nuisance by them. She claims she has no idea how to get or access her money, nor how to spend it - again, this has been discussed many times, has been written for her, printed off from a website for people with learning difficulties - as many ways as we can possibly think of - including taking her to shops, cashpoint, bank etc - I'm now considering explaining it through the medium of dance. The result of this is she is hugely stressed, which makes her day to day behaviour and mood swings more pronounced. She also says she has not got enough money to eat (she has!) - and so will not buy food. In effect, she starves herself (the second problem). The GP is very concerned about her weight, and has stopped her from taking donepezil prescribed by the consultant until she has put on some weight. Having said that, she is not able to manage her own medication, and has already taken an overdose which made her very ill. All this is compounded by her belief that people are going in to her house, moving things around and/or stealing them.

Anyway - enough waffling - I could go on forever! I should really appreciate it if people could firstly reassure me that these are not unique issues, and secondly offer any help or suggestions. Many thanks - Nick

PS - re. money side of things - she will absolutely not hear about power of attorney - been there, not a hope!!

 

[Delphie]

Hi Nick.

My first thought is that there is very little point in trying to reason with your mum. If she is fixated on money then no amount of explaining or showing of statements is likely to work. Think instead of strategies, such as leaving her cash and/or food. Not that strategies always work!

Sadly, there often comes a point where confusion and memory loss become become too great for the ill person to manage independently or even semi independently.

My second thought is that someone looking after her money is going to become inevitable soon. If she doesn't want to grant a PoA, or has lost the capacity to do so, then you'll have to consider the Deputyship route. The bank, for example, might freeze her accounts if they believe she can't look after her own finances, so it's not an issue that can be ignored forever.

She sounds very vulnerable, so I do feel for you. It's not an easy situation to try and resolve.

 

[Nanak]

Hi Nick I'm afraid I don't have any advice to give you re: money, but I would like to say Welcome to TP.
My Mum passed away last year in UK and I live in Australia so didn't have any of the day to day care of her although I visited as much as I could.
There will be someone along soon with advice, there isn't much here that hasn't been experienced and dealt with.
What I can say though is you are firstly never alone on here, and secondly that nothing is unique with regard to problems. Someone has always been there, done, that and probably got the Tshirt too
Nanak (Kim)

 

[marsaday]

Hi Nick,
Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds very stressful.

Many of us here will have experienced the money situation. My Mum was very similar to yours 2 years ago with the money worries. She would not set up a POA even though she was deemed fit (only just) to do so. It was sooo frustrating! So after a few more months of waiting and wondering we had to apply for deputyship.

A word of advice though-as my Mum also had plenty of money in very many different accounts, the deputyship took forever to come through and it is only now a year later that we are 'official'. Up to now I had been managing her accounts for her-at least the ones that could be operated online or with a card.

Although my Mum was reluctant to set up POA she was perfectly happy for me to do the day to day running of her money. So I was able to get all her papers and sort them all out without a fight. Maybe you could just do this with your Mum. Take over in a business like way and tell her you are just helping her-then get the ball rolling ASAP for deputyship.

Good luck
M

 

[Chook]

Hi Nick

Welcome on board!

With regards to the food, would it be possible to take mum shopping and pay with her card? Is she still able to cook safely? Or you could organise meals on wheels. I order food from Oakhouse foods for my mum but I have PoA for my mum so I have access to her bank account.

It's so hard at this stage isn't it, my mum really doesn't want people interfering with her and is worried what the neighbours will think. I've asked social services and the community nurse to get involved and i know mum is going to hate me for it.

Good luck and let us know how you get on. Not easy when you've got a young family yourself!

Chook

 

[supermum]

Hello Nick
you are describing my mum to a tee ,,
she has become obsessed with her shopping bag of purses ,if anyone stands near her bag she will move ,it she takes all to bed with her ,and goes on and on about money .she also has no money worries ,but cried a few weeks ago because she couldn't find £20 she had hid in a box.

she is saying things like my money /belongings being taken ,,she rung my sister and said in a strange voice ,"they have taken all my money " , as I have 3rd party on her accounts ,it made me feel like I was being accused ,but then I have to let it go over my head as it all part of the journey we on....and the constant hiding /losing things rou nd the house becoming a worry too

you are not alone although it feels like it sometimes I know

 

[Nick2502]

Thanks!

Thanks to all of you for your comments - it reinforces what I believed, that these are hardly exceptional issues. I'm guessing the constant talk of wishing she was dead and asking me how she could end it all are also typical - I just wish she wouldn't do it in front of my kids! We have bought her food - she doesn't eat it, and it often festers in the fridge, weeks out of date, while she says its fine and she'll have it another time (when we can, we clear out of date stuff from the fridge!). She could cook safely, but won't (in fact, maybe she can't cook safely - it's a long time since she did anything beyond beans!).

All the comments also lead me to another conclusion - when do the professionals involved start to take responsibility and actually make use of their professional skills? I was told the other day that Social Care will not get involved and are dropping the case as I need to persuade her to have a carer in to sort out her meals - sorry - but she just won't take it from me! She might, however, listen to a GP as, like many of her generation, she holds 'the doctor' on a pedestal. Strong intervention could make all the difference in my view, especially if supported by myself and other family members. I believe that her GP is not the most capable in this area, and may have been hoodwinked by a clean kitchen and living room, which stem from her almost obsessive cleaning - and failure to ever make the area untidy by actually cooking there!! It's an area which angers me I'm afraid - having spent years in jobs where I was expected to directly address many serious problems, I am frustrated by the approach of those who seem to want professional recognition, but not the responsibility which goes with it. I was brought up with the motto 'act in the best interests of the person concerned', but this does not seem to apply.

Sorry - second post and getting stroppy already - but I'm sure many will relate to this. Has anyone come across any ways in which professionals can be made to take responsibility - either through their professional code or through legal precedents? I really don't wish to alienate these people, but I want what's best for my mother, either by negotiation or requirement!

Sorry again - I'm actually a very patient, easy-going bloke, but I hate the situation which my mother and my family have been put in.

 

[jasmineflower]

Hi Nick
Everything in your post sounds familiar! From the rotting food in the fridge, to the professionals saying there is nothing they can do and that we must "sit back and let the crisis occur" before anyone can step in.

My MIL has AD & Vas D, my FIL is her carer. He doesn't do a great job: they don't eat properly, the upstairs of their lovely family home is now disgusting and, for some reason, their long-suffering cleaner is no longer allowed up there to sort it out. My MIL smells awful (although personal hygiene issues are all part of the condition) and the seat she sits in us brown with urine & "other" stains, she also falls a lot.

We know that we could make their life easier and consequently ours, so we no longer dread every time the phone rings. Unfortunately, as you will very soon learn on TP,that lack of insight and total denial is par for the course.

The only thing you can do is use cunning: the carers could be friends that "need a little job". Meals on wheels or the W***** F**** food type of delivery could be a special free trial to see how people like them in your area, until they become an established part of life. I have to say I have had more success with my MIL than my OH's more direct approach - I must be a good liar! Doesn't say much for me, does it?!!!

Anyway, for every crisis and problem, there are some people on TP with brilliant and imaginative solutions.

Keep posting!
I x