1. stardust123

    stardust123 Registered User

    Apr 11, 2008
    16
    My Dad is in hospital, shortly going into residential care. He doesn't understand when I say goodbye that he is in hospital and he wants to come with me, 'you can give me a lift can't you?' and 'can you drop me off at home'. When I explain that he has to stay there and that he's in hospital, he gets really agitated and insists on trying to come with me.

    The last few times I have been, I have had to tell him a) that I am going to make a phone call and see what I can sort out or b) that I am going to the toilet and will be back shortly. Then I've had to leave! Finding this so hard, can anyone offer any advice ? Thanks.
     
  2. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,138
    Toronto, Canada
    I think you've found the solution -

    It's something a lot of us have had to do. If he finds it easier to think you're going to the toilet or make a phone call or whatever, then that's what you should do. It's all about making the person more comfortable. Yes, it will be hard at first for you but focus on how it makes your father less anxious. Don't worry, you'll get there.
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Stardust, you're doing exactly the right thing!:)

    If your dad gets upset when he thinks you are leaving, the kindest thing is to pretend that you'll only be away for a short time.

    In the same way, I quickly learned not to say 'See you tomorrow' to John, as that reminded him that we were no longer living together. I always say 'I'm off to take Skye for a walk. See you later', and he's quite happy with that.

    Anything that mitigates distress cannot be bad.
     
  4. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    After she has been 7 years in her care home, I still tell my Jan that I have to go out shopping and I will be back soon.

    I really don't know if she understands, or even knows who is talking, but there is a hint of relaxation in her posture when I say it.
     
  5. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    7,095
    Bolton
    I call the leaving talk 'kind, half truths'. It is true that I have to feed the cats, that the nurses/carers have made his bed and arranged his medication and cooked his evening meal. I tell him that we will be seeing the doctor soon who will be able to 'sort things out' for us.

    The whole truth is of course, that I can't cope with him at home and it must to be on my shoulders alone to deal with this gut wrenching truth. Ken should not, and, I will never let him be faced with this terrible fact.

    So I will continue to tell him these 'half truths' and he, God bless him, will continue to trust me that soon everything will be sorted out. He is happy with this explaination.

    In my own experience I feel that it is a kindness to say that you will be back soon, or you are making a phone call etc., etc., Within a few minutes of leaving, because of the illness, your half truths have been forgotten and the more pressing, immediate concerns of the moment take over.

    xxTinaT
     
  6. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Hey you all,

    I read your posts, I can't always add anything to help you, but I read them anyway. I can't find it in me to lie. But I was forced into it a year ago when I visited mum for the second day on the trot and she said "did you find the toilet?", and I asked what she meant. The previous day I had said "I am going now, I need to find the toilet", and the following day she thought I was still looking!

    Love to everyone. Boy, aren't we a team! What would we do without this site?

    Margaret
     
  7. stardust123

    stardust123 Registered User

    Apr 11, 2008
    16
    Thanks all

    Thanks everyone, I seem to be doing the right thing then.

    I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

    I used this forum a few times now and always find the advice comforting and invaluable.
     

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