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Saw mum today.

garfield3

Registered User
Jun 30, 2018
183
Hello good people,

Went to see mum today. Was feeling very nervous and scared . I was shown in to a little room. The receptionist ?? Opened the door and said to stand there till I was ready. She took my arm and moved vo further in .she was lovely.

Mum looked weird she was thin at the end and had lots of wrinkles. Now She has none. Very smooth face. She Looked Like a stranger. Not mum. Felt annoyed. Couldn't take my eyes of her face . Her hair was wrong. Was given the chance to touch her but declined. It's over a week now since she died. I stayed for about 10 mins. Gave her a card I had written. Wanted to stay longer but kept thinking why bother. Pleased I went feel cAlmer don't feel traumatised. Hopefully I won't get nightmares! !would do it again with dad when his time comes. Think I've got some closure . She had a definite blueish tinge. The funeral directors did a good job though.

Dad was with her at the end and talked to her for about half an hour afterwards.


Have got her wedding ring now.

Hope I haven't upset anyone. Sorry if I have. Needed to vent.

Sue xx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,704
South coast
I went to see mum in the Chapel of Rest. Like you I felt that she didnt look quite right either. I wasnt traumatised either and felt that I was glad that I went, but it just brought home to me that mum was truly gone.

I understand the need to vent
xx
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
1,826
I went to see my mum and she looked lovely, I didn't want to go because I had promised her that I wouldn't but dad wanted me to go and it seemed important to him so I did.

I didn't regret it but I am still not sure that she would have liked it. Can't win I suppose. I actually went with him twice.
 

Hair Twiddler

Registered User
Aug 14, 2012
892
Middle England
Hello @garfield3
It's been almost two years now since I went to visit mum in her care home home at about 7 thirty one morrning when she was very poorly.
I'd arrived too late. She had passed away about 10 minutes earlier , I later learnt. As I slipped into her room I didn't have any inkling that she was there but not. It wasn't devastating, as you also say, mum wasnt right..the hair wasn't, nor her expression. Can't put it into the correct words. I did feel a heavy sense of closure, an ending. Sad but not sad.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,725
Kent
I think you're glad you went @garfield3 even if you thought your mum looked `weird`.

Was your mum embalmed? My husband was and I was pleased he had lost the sunken look he had while he was dying, so my final memories of him were good.
 

Marnie63

Registered User
Dec 26, 2015
1,628
Hampshire
Good to hear your update @garfield3 and it sounds like it was something worth doing. My mum also didn't look 'right' after embalming, but at least I was able to go and still see her numerous times before the funeral. You've had that final view of your mother and there won't be any thoughts of "should I have gone?". I don't think you will have nightmares. Death is a natural part of life. I think perhaps the more 'familiar' we become with it, the less frightening it will be. The more 'mysterious' something is, the more frightening it becomes.

I too wear mum's wedding ring. I did consider leaving it on her finger, but decided there was no point and that it could give me comfort wearing it every day. I'm sure she would have agreed.

Wishing you calm and strength for the funeral and the coming weeks.

* Just to add - if anyone's loved one dies in hospital, do consider seeing them in the bereavement suite there too. That was where mum looked her most 'natural'. She had lost the dementia expression on her face and her face was far more relaxed than at the moment she had died. I hold that memory close as I felt that she was truly rid of the dementia then. No longer alive, of course, but looking finally free of what the illness had put her through.

Sorry if too graphic for anyone, but I really do believe facing up to death is something we should all consider doing more, it makes it less frightening.
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
132
Good to hear your update @garfield3 and it sounds like it was something worth doing. My mum also didn't look 'right' after embalming, but at least I was able to go and still see her numerous times before the funeral. You've had that final view of your mother and there won't be any thoughts of "should I have gone?". I don't think you will have nightmares. Death is a natural part of life. I think perhaps the more 'familiar' we become with it, the less frightening it will be. The more 'mysterious' something is, the more frightening it becomes.

I too wear mum's wedding ring. I did consider leaving it on her finger, but decided there was no point and that it could give me comfort wearing it every day. I'm sure she would have agreed.

Wishing you calm and strength for the funeral and the coming weeks.

* Just to add - if anyone's loved one dies in hospital, do consider seeing them in the bereavement suite there too. That was where mum looked her most 'natural'. She had lost the dementia expression on her face and her face was far more relaxed than at the moment she had died. I hold that memory close as I felt that she was truly rid of the dementia then. No longer alive, of course, but looking finally free of what the illness had put her through.

Sorry if too graphic for anyone, but I really do believe facing up to death is something we should all consider doing more, it makes it less frightening.
When my father died in 1994, I went to see him in the chapel of rest, but I felt it was a waxwork they had there, not my father. Thereupon, I resolved not to go to view the body in my two later deaths. I was present at both, and found being with mum in particular a special time, and I want to remember her from the last few days, when she knew I was there, and even kissed my hand at one stage. With mourning, there are no right or wrong answers. You can only do what your heart tells you.
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,268
East Midlands
I was with my dad when he died, my mum was there too & it was quite traumatic for me as I wasn’t even 30 at the time. He will have been gone 20 yrs ago next month.
I spent a lot of time with my mum in hospital while she was dying. I didn’t object to being with her if she died while I was there but I always had a feeling she would pass without me being there & so that happened. I would much rather remember her alive to be honest but as everyone says, it is a personal experience & no right or wrong way about it. Xx