1. garfield3

    garfield3 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2018
    Hello good people,

    Went to see mum today. Was feeling very nervous and scared . I was shown in to a little room. The receptionist ?? Opened the door and said to stand there till I was ready. She took my arm and moved vo further in .she was lovely.

    Mum looked weird she was thin at the end and had lots of wrinkles. Now She has none. Very smooth face. She Looked Like a stranger. Not mum. Felt annoyed. Couldn't take my eyes of her face . Her hair was wrong. Was given the chance to touch her but declined. It's over a week now since she died. I stayed for about 10 mins. Gave her a card I had written. Wanted to stay longer but kept thinking why bother. Pleased I went feel cAlmer don't feel traumatised. Hopefully I won't get nightmares! !would do it again with dad when his time comes. Think I've got some closure . She had a definite blueish tinge. The funeral directors did a good job though.

    Dad was with her at the end and talked to her for about half an hour afterwards.

    Have got her wedding ring now.

    Hope I haven't upset anyone. Sorry if I have. Needed to vent.

    Sue xx
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    I went to see mum in the Chapel of Rest. Like you I felt that she didnt look quite right either. I wasnt traumatised either and felt that I was glad that I went, but it just brought home to me that mum was truly gone.

    I understand the need to vent
  3. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    I went to see my mum and she looked lovely, I didn't want to go because I had promised her that I wouldn't but dad wanted me to go and it seemed important to him so I did.

    I didn't regret it but I am still not sure that she would have liked it. Can't win I suppose. I actually went with him twice.
  4. Hair Twiddler

    Hair Twiddler Registered User

    Aug 14, 2012
    Middle England
    Hello @garfield3
    It's been almost two years now since I went to visit mum in her care home home at about 7 thirty one morrning when she was very poorly.
    I'd arrived too late. She had passed away about 10 minutes earlier , I later learnt. As I slipped into her room I didn't have any inkling that she was there but not. It wasn't devastating, as you also say, mum wasnt right..the hair wasn't, nor her expression. Can't put it into the correct words. I did feel a heavy sense of closure, an ending. Sad but not sad.
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    I think you're glad you went @garfield3 even if you thought your mum looked `weird`.

    Was your mum embalmed? My husband was and I was pleased he had lost the sunken look he had while he was dying, so my final memories of him were good.
  6. Marnie63

    Marnie63 Registered User

    Dec 26, 2015
    Good to hear your update @garfield3 and it sounds like it was something worth doing. My mum also didn't look 'right' after embalming, but at least I was able to go and still see her numerous times before the funeral. You've had that final view of your mother and there won't be any thoughts of "should I have gone?". I don't think you will have nightmares. Death is a natural part of life. I think perhaps the more 'familiar' we become with it, the less frightening it will be. The more 'mysterious' something is, the more frightening it becomes.

    I too wear mum's wedding ring. I did consider leaving it on her finger, but decided there was no point and that it could give me comfort wearing it every day. I'm sure she would have agreed.

    Wishing you calm and strength for the funeral and the coming weeks.

    * Just to add - if anyone's loved one dies in hospital, do consider seeing them in the bereavement suite there too. That was where mum looked her most 'natural'. She had lost the dementia expression on her face and her face was far more relaxed than at the moment she had died. I hold that memory close as I felt that she was truly rid of the dementia then. No longer alive, of course, but looking finally free of what the illness had put her through.

    Sorry if too graphic for anyone, but I really do believe facing up to death is something we should all consider doing more, it makes it less frightening.

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