I was going to write a little about what we've been up to, but need to get thoughts around MIL out of my head.
At the end of our second week of holiday we called in on MIL - a several hours of driving detour but nearer than doing the round trip from here. We stayed for about 24 hours, sleeping in our campervan, with son in his little tent (as we did on campsite) and trying to social distance when we were in the house, but MIL didn't really understand this fully.
As some of you will recall I have been concerned by MILs declining abilities for a while, she was 93 in April. I am sure it is dementia but OH and his sister would prefer to consider it as just normal ageing, we all have family like this, head semi buried in sand.
We normally only visit MIL once a year, at xmas, and she has noticeably declined since then. Whilst she hasn't been able to go out with lockdown she has had people coming for garden visits once the rules allowed, and I don't think it has all been caused by lockdown. Her mobility is significantly worse. With not having trips out, I am sure this has been affected by lockdown, her friend P has suggested she walk to the end of her drive each day, which is really not that far, but she doesn't, she has for a long time only done the minimum. OH had a sit outside with her, she only had an old style folding camp chair, well she couldn't get out of it and when OH helped her she was a dead weight offering no assistance. She does wear a call alarm pendant all the time, so if she fell she should be able to press this, but her friend P did comment that when she had had a fall she was a dead weight for her as well, but her son was there so they got her up between them. I noticed that when getting out of chairs she was really struggling, and could easily fall as she attempted this. MIL walks with a stick and puts a lot of weight on it, her friend P got her zimmer frame to help her get back in the house and she was much more stable with this. MIL has a very lopsided body, she was born with a congenital hip issue, and she has always lent over - was told she'd be in a wheelchair by the time she was 30 so she has done well but there is only so much more her body will do.
I also noticed significant post sitting around undealt with, and suspect she hasn't properly managed her financial affairs for years (as I've posted before she got in a terrible muddle with her electricity payments 4 or 5 years ago). One letter was saying her standing order was overpaying but they couldn't refund it until she amended the standing order as they'd already requested this in 2018 - small amounts in the grand scheme of things but will need sorting at some stage.
She has had a cleaner and gardener for a while and both do a good job so at least that is covered.
She is getting deafer, and completely tunes out of conversations if she can't follow them, this reminds me of my mum's behaviour. I noticed this particularly at meals times as she couldn't seem to cope with eating and being part of a conversation. Her friend called round and commented on also being deaf, but her friend still followed conversations and asked. MILs conversation is more self centred than ever, and any empathy she had (there wasn't much) has gone.
OH messaged SIL when we got home, and SIL commented that MIL was saying no to everything, SIL had suggested sending MIL a book to alleviate lockdown boredom and getting a TV and both met with a no. The TV would never been switched on but she should have just sent a book, we know that 'no' is a stock answer. MIL has a lot of books and I think in reality she doesn't have the concentration to read them.
I also think she doesn't have the concentration to do much, but OH said she says she does this and that and I queried does she really and he was convinced she does.
SIL also went back to her pet topic of live in carer in her reply and how the bathroom needs sorting out. She also wants two spare bedrooms sorting out so live in carer could have bedroom and sitting room. Her current bathroom has major issues, the shower dosen't work well, the shower plumbing means water comes back up in the bath, ther hot water tank is tiny so the bath is only half full when used. MIL wouldn't even consider trying to get in the bath, doesn't use the shower and just has a strip wash, which horrifies SIL but given MILs age and background is just what was done.
OH just wants to ignore it all. He commented on SILs bathroom refurb ideas as to how it will happen, it is beyond MILs capabilities, BIL has effectively disowned his mum (OH's words), SIL is in Colorado with no prospect of visiting anytime soon. Friend P has just bought a 'project' house she is living in with no heating or hot water for now, although there is an electric shower, first project is garden shed with outside toilet and then onto the house, and at 78 could have her own issues. She has the time and energy to manage her own house but not MILs as well. OH isn't close to his mum hence only an annual visit, and does not wish to do 7 hour round trips to supervise building works, and feels SIL is trying to dump her romantic idea of a live in carer on him to fix.
I said that MIL is a long way off a live in carer and there are lots of things to be done first such as befrienders. MIL doesn't yet need any daily help of any sort but care calls can be arranged if needed.
One of the issues is the rural location, the nearest supermarket is a 40 minute drive away, although friend L has sourced the cleaner from the local small town, and I guess would be able to source carers from there as well. L is a former district nurse and has arranged for MIL to have a hospital bed, although MIL was complaining it was too high, I think that has now been sorted. Not sure why a hospital bed apart from it was a way of getting rid of her old bed that had an ancient mattress (prob over 50 years old and maybe over 70) on which was so saggy MIL struggled to stand up.
On the plus side I managed to explain to OH that it wasn't about what MIL wanted or we thought she wanted but about her needs, eg SIL wanted nice wooden outside chairs buying and we are getting plastic ones she can stand up from, and are easy for her friends to move. I used examples of being told my mum was safe now when she moved into sheltered extra care, and I wanted her to be happy, and was upset by this at the time, however, I realised being safe was what mum needed and she hadn't been. There was a little light bulb moment when I said this to OH.
I could really see that a crisis could happen very soon, I haven't felt this before, just worried about the long term logistics, and I really think she will need a care home within 2 years but it could happen this winter, I think a bad fall would not be recoverable from mobility wise. SIL thinks MIL has a good few years in her own home but she is projecting what she'd want onto MIL with rose tinted spectacles - partly because she feels MIL had an awful life whilst she was married - which is correct but not OH's desire to solve as he also had an awful childhood.
MIL is adamant she wants to stay where she is as she loves looking at the views, as she doesn't go into back garden, and her bedroom looks over a small bit of lawn and the garage, and she sits down to wash up so doesn't see out of the kitchen window, I'm not sure she looks at the views that often and this is what she used to do (the views are at the back).
Well this post is very long - longer than
@annielou writes(written over a few days) so if anybody reads it - Thank you. Not sure what I'm saying apart from I can see a crisis on the horizon and OH resenting having to sort it out, so he will struggle to deal with it.
You had lots to write about though ? Mine are often just long cos of me rambling on, my mum used to say Our Andies motto should be why use one word when you can use three, she'd certainly say that if she saw some of my long posts, some of mine come up saying they can't post cos they're over the amount of characters allowed and I have to edit them 
