Hi,
I’m looking really to see if there is anyone like me . It’s long .. beat with
In short. I’m 46 with a six year old and 10 year old . I’ve a supportive husband who works full time ( and the rest ) in a professional job . I’m an only and all the remaining relatives on my side are abroad or elderly. My in laws are retired , live elsewhere far way and have finished just caring for their parents before the past away. I’ve always worked. And paid for all my childcare . My career more or less ended in 2013 when the events took over . Now I do a bit of casual zero hours contract type admin for my husbands company who tolerate my disappearances to support my mum
In 2013 my dad had a sudden heart attack leaving my mother widowed at 79 . It was devastating for her and I’m sure she has ptsd as she found him. To complicate matter I was 37 weeks pregnant and mum ended up in hospital . It was a traumatic horrible time . I ended up trying to sort funerals and then re- enablement with a new born alone. Once re- enablement finished noobe was interested in mum as she is self funding
. They had lived about an hour away . I used to travel up and see them once a week with my eldest son who was around 3 . My mother had suffered a stroke in 2009 but had made good progress . They made no plans for what next after this health scare and buried their heads in the sand. I was too busy with a baby They were pottering along and my dad was the type to “go in forever” my relationship with my had always been a bit fractious as she was controlling . My dad just put up with a lot for a quiet life . I too imagined that dad would go on forever as his mum had lived to 96.
In 2014 I started to recognise something was very wrong and my dad had been covering up for a lot of mums behaviour for a long time . We spent over 18 months trying to get mums house sold so we could move her closer to gain a better control of her situation as she would ring begging for help , lonely etc . We tried to respect her wishes and independence by going at her pace but not really recognising a feature of her early dementia . She was drinking alcohol to cope with grief and was impossible to reason with . To give you an idea the estate agent at one point rang me up and said he could no longer work with her ! She also insisted on being her car brought down that she had not driven since 2009 ! She rejected over 12 houses that were suitable plus the lovely and unusual sheltered housing a few streets away in our nice area with a vibrant retired community. Lots going on for older folk She insisted on a bungalow and then refused to go out or join groups . She went once with me and then made excuses . She just wanted to sit in my house all day and drink tea / brandy in turn - basically keep her entertained and of course cry on my shoulder with her grief. Exhausting as I had two very small children . She never really gave or offered help and I couldn’t leave the children with her .
Slowly as she worsened I got her to our GP but in more than one occasion she rejected all talk of carers even when I begged her in front of GP . We waited to crisis point as she started to hallucinate and got her to memory clinic and then in Feb 2019 my
85 year old mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia after a long battle of probably 3 years to get her to the memory clinic. She had started to hallucinate people in the house and was continually drinking to cope with grief . She rejected the diagnosis and refused to have carers . Social services not interested as she would be self funding and she refused an assessment . I was at my wits end.
Shortly after we had a crisis point of being then admitted to hospital with pneumonia and then an accidental overdose after a failed discharge . She was completely off the wall at this point thinking her sister was an imposter ! Finally at this point I found a care home activated poa which was the one thing we’d managed to convince her of .
Lovely carehome put her back together and me . Mum settled ok there but insisted on coming home Cmt nurse said she knew where home was and she agreed to her she would now accept carers x 3 a day for a bit until “ better” . She agreed to a med safe and alcohol only as a treat
By and large it has worked to keep her safe but we are all desperately unhappy . The carers are great but the regular health crises because she has heart problems, Frequent UTI’s . I take her to all med appointments The nature of here dementia means she glitches like a computer and obsesses about money, shoes, chocolate . Some days she is almost ok . Very companionable and social with carers . She expects me now to call in each day for a couple of hours after work or spend all afternoon on a weekend . Becoming more and more difficult as kids ( lively boys ) needs changing and no longer will sit with biscuits in front of telly . Nothing gets done in my house and I’m overwhelmed with housework that never gets done .
Cmt discharged her in July because she had carers and me and I went back to GP and begged them. To put her back on their books as she frequently call us in early am as she has breathing problems due to circulation . The phone rings at 4, 5 6 and she is terrified . Once upright and sorted 9/10 she is ok but I have to go through the trauma at least weekly now of racing out of door in early hours as she has presses lifeline. My husband is left to bustle kids to breakfast clubs etc . GP said now to call paramedic each time but she does become hysterical and on the occasions I’ve done it she hysterical . She’s refused to go on other occasions .
Anyway if you’ve got through this - thanks for listening . I spent all last week sorting out a prescription when it was clear she had a uti . Picking up all the mental load of carers alerting me she was talking about the house being two separate building , chasing sample getting anti b’s prescribed . Sitting all day to keep her well. Phoning concerned sister . Fitting all this round school run , work etc . On Sunday she called me out at 5 am with another panic . Once sorted I tried to cheer her up being nurse like and Mary poppins and saying she might like to consider a bed that tilts . This blew up into a tantrum so I left sad and fed up but cordial ( I know better than to lose it ) and I’ve avoided her calls for two days . I know she’s ok as I can see reports on carers app . She only has me . I feel so bad . It’s the disease but she has always been selfish and controlling as a mother .
It like death by a thousand cuts. I just can’t keep picking myself up I brought her back from the edge and it’s just awful . I just want family time with my kids.
I’m looking really to see if there is anyone like me . It’s long .. beat with
In short. I’m 46 with a six year old and 10 year old . I’ve a supportive husband who works full time ( and the rest ) in a professional job . I’m an only and all the remaining relatives on my side are abroad or elderly. My in laws are retired , live elsewhere far way and have finished just caring for their parents before the past away. I’ve always worked. And paid for all my childcare . My career more or less ended in 2013 when the events took over . Now I do a bit of casual zero hours contract type admin for my husbands company who tolerate my disappearances to support my mum
In 2013 my dad had a sudden heart attack leaving my mother widowed at 79 . It was devastating for her and I’m sure she has ptsd as she found him. To complicate matter I was 37 weeks pregnant and mum ended up in hospital . It was a traumatic horrible time . I ended up trying to sort funerals and then re- enablement with a new born alone. Once re- enablement finished noobe was interested in mum as she is self funding
. They had lived about an hour away . I used to travel up and see them once a week with my eldest son who was around 3 . My mother had suffered a stroke in 2009 but had made good progress . They made no plans for what next after this health scare and buried their heads in the sand. I was too busy with a baby They were pottering along and my dad was the type to “go in forever” my relationship with my had always been a bit fractious as she was controlling . My dad just put up with a lot for a quiet life . I too imagined that dad would go on forever as his mum had lived to 96.
In 2014 I started to recognise something was very wrong and my dad had been covering up for a lot of mums behaviour for a long time . We spent over 18 months trying to get mums house sold so we could move her closer to gain a better control of her situation as she would ring begging for help , lonely etc . We tried to respect her wishes and independence by going at her pace but not really recognising a feature of her early dementia . She was drinking alcohol to cope with grief and was impossible to reason with . To give you an idea the estate agent at one point rang me up and said he could no longer work with her ! She also insisted on being her car brought down that she had not driven since 2009 ! She rejected over 12 houses that were suitable plus the lovely and unusual sheltered housing a few streets away in our nice area with a vibrant retired community. Lots going on for older folk She insisted on a bungalow and then refused to go out or join groups . She went once with me and then made excuses . She just wanted to sit in my house all day and drink tea / brandy in turn - basically keep her entertained and of course cry on my shoulder with her grief. Exhausting as I had two very small children . She never really gave or offered help and I couldn’t leave the children with her .
Slowly as she worsened I got her to our GP but in more than one occasion she rejected all talk of carers even when I begged her in front of GP . We waited to crisis point as she started to hallucinate and got her to memory clinic and then in Feb 2019 my
85 year old mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia after a long battle of probably 3 years to get her to the memory clinic. She had started to hallucinate people in the house and was continually drinking to cope with grief . She rejected the diagnosis and refused to have carers . Social services not interested as she would be self funding and she refused an assessment . I was at my wits end.
Shortly after we had a crisis point of being then admitted to hospital with pneumonia and then an accidental overdose after a failed discharge . She was completely off the wall at this point thinking her sister was an imposter ! Finally at this point I found a care home activated poa which was the one thing we’d managed to convince her of .
Lovely carehome put her back together and me . Mum settled ok there but insisted on coming home Cmt nurse said she knew where home was and she agreed to her she would now accept carers x 3 a day for a bit until “ better” . She agreed to a med safe and alcohol only as a treat
By and large it has worked to keep her safe but we are all desperately unhappy . The carers are great but the regular health crises because she has heart problems, Frequent UTI’s . I take her to all med appointments The nature of here dementia means she glitches like a computer and obsesses about money, shoes, chocolate . Some days she is almost ok . Very companionable and social with carers . She expects me now to call in each day for a couple of hours after work or spend all afternoon on a weekend . Becoming more and more difficult as kids ( lively boys ) needs changing and no longer will sit with biscuits in front of telly . Nothing gets done in my house and I’m overwhelmed with housework that never gets done .
Cmt discharged her in July because she had carers and me and I went back to GP and begged them. To put her back on their books as she frequently call us in early am as she has breathing problems due to circulation . The phone rings at 4, 5 6 and she is terrified . Once upright and sorted 9/10 she is ok but I have to go through the trauma at least weekly now of racing out of door in early hours as she has presses lifeline. My husband is left to bustle kids to breakfast clubs etc . GP said now to call paramedic each time but she does become hysterical and on the occasions I’ve done it she hysterical . She’s refused to go on other occasions .
Anyway if you’ve got through this - thanks for listening . I spent all last week sorting out a prescription when it was clear she had a uti . Picking up all the mental load of carers alerting me she was talking about the house being two separate building , chasing sample getting anti b’s prescribed . Sitting all day to keep her well. Phoning concerned sister . Fitting all this round school run , work etc . On Sunday she called me out at 5 am with another panic . Once sorted I tried to cheer her up being nurse like and Mary poppins and saying she might like to consider a bed that tilts . This blew up into a tantrum so I left sad and fed up but cordial ( I know better than to lose it ) and I’ve avoided her calls for two days . I know she’s ok as I can see reports on carers app . She only has me . I feel so bad . It’s the disease but she has always been selfish and controlling as a mother .
It like death by a thousand cuts. I just can’t keep picking myself up I brought her back from the edge and it’s just awful . I just want family time with my kids.