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Sandwich Carer with young children

Chirpasdinner

Registered User
Jan 21, 2020
27
On top of this she wandering . On Wednesday unable to reach me on the phone she left the house doors open tv blaring and ended up at my house with stick handbag . How she managed this when somedays she can’t find her bathroom I don’t know .
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,617
Nottinghamshire
Could you try taking your mum to the carehome today “for lunch” and leave her there? I know this sounds awful but other people have had to take this kind of approach to get there loved ones to a safe place where they can be looked after properly.

Phone the manager of the carehome and see if you can come up with a plan. You know you need to get your mum there somehow. Hopefully someone who has actually done this will be along soon to talk to you.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,925
South coast
Contact Social Services as an emergency - tell them it is a safeguarding issue, that she is a vulnerable person who is at risk of harm because she has dementia and you cannot do anymore. Tell them what has happened, dont sugar-coat it. Also, get back to the Community Health Team. I think it is disgusting that no-one got back to you. They may be able to prescribe her some medication to calm her down.
 

Chirpasdinner

Registered User
Jan 21, 2020
27
She’s on risperdone . She sat in the garden of carehome recognising it from respite and ignored all coaxing to go in for over an hour . The staff know her and felt it better she returned home to have options explained again . She was offered stay for the day , come in for a cup of tea , etc . I spoke to her on phone . This was at 9am . She has Anosognosia ? She wants to go the other place . Cmt nurse finally rang carehome to find out what happened at 4pm . I know because I could hear her being spoken to the other manager whilst I was on the phone to the other manger to see if she’d ever come out . Apparently best interests has been done . I’ve rung Ss . We did the delight of hand and it was sanctioned by cpn . Then I chased them a whole week to find out if she could be there and she was on leave on the day she said she ring me and then never returned any calls so we just went for it yesterday am. The night carer was supposed to come in convoy but had rung in sick . Mum had kept her up the previous night . The other night carer was exhausted after her shift . We asked and asked if we could have people to assist us from cmht MHSOP and told not possible - we just had to find a way of doing it .
 

Chirpasdinner

Registered User
Jan 21, 2020
27
I can’t drive her . I have 7 year old here and another school run here at 3pm . I’m no state to think . My husband must work today . He took yet another days holiday to be available . This has gone on for years - endless annual leave used for hospital appointments , crises . He’s said in no uncertain terms can we personally attempt again . Thank you for listening . I’m trying so hard to process it all .
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
799
High Peak
If a best interests decision has been made that she should go into full time care, then social services (or whoever made the decision) should assist in making it happen. You should not have been left on your own to try and convince her.

As others have suggested you must request an emergency intervention.

But please, try and take of yourself and your family. Even if it takes a few days to get your mum in there, it will happen!
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,925
South coast
Just a small point. You are never going to convince her to go, so dont tell her it is happening. She may not remember exactly what is going on, but she will remember that its something she doesnt want to do and will just get more and more agitated and aggressive.
 

Chirpasdinner

Registered User
Jan 21, 2020
27
No we didn’t . We understand she has lost capacity . But here’s the thing she wants to go to a “new home “ - the “ other place” . So wants to pack up and go The risperdone has made her seem almost normal . Bar the fact what she is talking about is fantasy , delusion and confabulation She said yesterday after we left her she was going to get a new job and move back to Scotland . She’s 85!
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,925
South coast
You have been through a deeply traumatic experience and I dont want to add to your distress, but you did tell her that she was going somewhere. My experience with mum (and Ive seen it written about on here a few times) is that even if its something they want to do and have looked forward to (like a holiday), when the time comes they get more and more worried about it and it all becomes far too daunting. Mum refused to go to my sons wedding - I had organised for her to stay with me, she had bought her outfit, but when the time came and I went to pick her up, she wouldnt come. She missed the wedding.

BTW, my comment was aimed at this
The staff know her and felt it better she returned home to have options explained again
Dont even try to attempt to explain her options to her. She wont understand and it will just increase her agitation.
She’s on risperdone
They can always add something like lorazepam on the morning of the move, just to get her there.

Make sure all the authorities (SS and Community Health Team) know what has happened
 

Chirpasdinner

Registered User
Jan 21, 2020
27
What you say at @canary makes sense. Something as simple as the gardener ringing saying they were coming and would trigger endless night wakings phone calls .

I think we’ve been horribly let down in the management of the move as the cpn was there with her and sanctioned the plan of looking into the move to the “other place “ and told her it would “be looked into “ as a cover for the move then she swept out the door telling me she’d lost capacity and to arrange the placement and she also talked about loss of capacity in front of my mother in that meeting . The care package manager was listening on speaker phone was fizzing after . Nobody has rung us . I’m not doing any chasing today . There’s no care package in place until we’ve heard back from her.
 

Chirpasdinner

Registered User
Jan 21, 2020
27
I will wait till 12 . Then my husband will ring the care package people and see if they have heard anything . I’m exhausted . Then I will need to ring the MHSOP and get “ well she’s not at her desk “ can I take a message ?” She said to husband at 4.30 pm yesterday she would go out today . What will happen I don’t know . She’s one person .

I will ring ss again . I’ve put myself back together slowly this am showered etc . My 7 year old just wants to sit and cuddle . I have done so many of these crises . Standing crying in majors in a&e and refusing to take her home at 1am. In the dark in a taxi was particular favourite last year .
I know it’s not good enough . My husband has emailed the care package people . We spend mums money on extremely care again tonight because they cannot get their act together.
 

Chirpasdinner

Registered User
Jan 21, 2020
27
Hi update , cpn said she’d been to see mum this am . Mum understands concept of the particular care home and refuses to go there so it is deemed she has capacity for that specific decision . Cpn making referral to ss . I’m awaiting a call from them too . Very fuzzy answers on best interests . She said put the 24hr carer package in for safeguarding and then even though I only have around a 2 months worth of cash at 1450 per week . Emailed private care package people and now hiding under duvet on sofa . We are refusing to get involved or be disturbed beyond emails . I asked what happens if mum rejects that and what happens when the money runs out in a few weeks . “ I don’t know” I think your mum needs a social worker . Oh yes the one I request back in January who never sent me a copy of mums care assessment . Hopeless
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,307
I feel for you, this is all inexcusable. No magic answers I'm afraid, but I suspect that your mum will refuse the next care home as well. My mother in law refused to go into care , so we waited for a crisis until she became ill and went into hospital. She was self funding and we arranged for her to go into the care home straight from hospital . She went via hospital transport , but as she had mobility issues , I suppose it was easier to get her in via a wheelchair. Hopefully others will be along with better ideas.
 

Chirpasdinner

Registered User
Jan 21, 2020
27
What I don’t understand though is surely we have reached the point where my mothers needs have trumped her wishes especially when she has no insight in her diagnosis ? I don’t get it .
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,307
What I don’t understand though is surely we have reached the point where my mothers needs have trumped her wishes especially when she has no insight in her diagnosis ? I don’t get it .
I agree , but I suspect your mum gave a very good show of "hostess mode" so at that particular moment she came across as lucid and full understanding the consequences of agreeing to a care home. Not every professional understands and sees this as a symptom of the illness. I only found out that the term existed on this forum , although I had been seeing this from my mother in law for many years as she had pre existing mental health conditions.
 

Chirpasdinner

Registered User
Jan 21, 2020
27
I know but this is her regular cpn who told me she had no capacity last week and asked her outright “ is this your home? ” - .” No” But yet she’s done a 360 and told me to now put in 24hr care at home instead because of this specific decision and to tell her this will cost more than a care home when mum believes the carers are her colleagues ? She also said the GP s recommendation has no sway and we must do everything ( ie spend all mums savings) to prove we’ve done everything we can . And once I do that i must ask ss to provide care in a carehome of their lists and go down the 12 week disregard route .
Thank you for letting me a note here in the forum / it’s teally helping me get my thoughts sorted . Ss rang and I got another “ hmm very complex” will talk to manager . Supper and bed softly thank you all .