Safeguarding meeting this afternoon, feeling overwhelmed

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Trekker, Jul 19, 2019.

  1. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    157
    Female
    London
    My constant state of anxiety is even worse than usual, in anticipation of a safeguarding meeting with SW and psychiatric nurse and both my parents, this afternoon. My mother has moderately severe Alzheimer’s/mixed/atypical dementia and has recently been in hospital delirious, hallucinating, and with paranoid and violent delusions. Amongst other things, she threatened to kill all my children, to make me unhappy, and said she wished she had a bomb to blow everyone up. She was sent home to my 87 year old, less severely demented father, when she was calmer on risperidone. Within 36 hours she was delusional and agitated again and threatening my father, although he denied it once the psychiatric nurse arrived. Her risperidone was increased, which seems to have helped. Separately, my mother has comlained on several occasions to care staff that she fears my father will hurt her. He never has in 65 years but does get very agitated when she has told for long enough how lazy/cowardly/stupid he is, mostly because he won’t agree that her version of the world is correct, ie they go out every day, shop, cook, are perfectly fine and need no help, so you never know. Things have been a bit calmer over the past week and although the safeguarding meeting is needed I am dreading my parents’response - I haven’t told them- and fear it will destabilise a fragile situation. Plus the SW and nurse will inevitably disturb my parents’ afternoon nap (although they nap so much that could be true at any time), and given that I will meet with the SW and nurse first, ie cannot be with them just before meeting, any prior information I give to my parents could a. Lead to them insisting I cancel a meeting I cannot cancel b. Be instantly forgotten, it feels like a bomb waiting to explode. Nothing any of you can do, and you will have faced far worse, and I know I just need to get on with it, but any words of kindness or advice much appreciated x
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,865
    Female
    South coast
    ((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
    It makes you feel terrible and that you are doing things behind their backs when you have to do this.

    I think that as you cant be with them at the meeting it would be a good idea to contact the SW first and tell him/her the true state of affairs. Then all you can do is see what happens.
    Be prepared to phone emergency services if the "bomb" goes off.
     
  3. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    157
    Female
    London
    Thank you so much for the hugs @canary, it means a lot. I will be at the meeting, just can’t prep them for it. I guess I fear that their, or rather my mother’s wrath, will turn on me at or after the meeting, as it so often does. I should be used to it by now but still feel wrecked afterwards. The over 65s mental health team aren’t on over the weekend- why is that?- so all urgent problems go to under 65 team, who don’t want to know/ can’t cope, and suggest calling 999. Anyway, enough whining, deep breath and all that x
     
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,865
    Female
    South coast
    Ah, sorry, I misunderstood.
    Could you perhaps get the SW to "give you a hand with something" ;) right at the beginning so that you could take him/her aside and prep them without your parents hearing?
     
  5. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    157
    Female
    London
    Good idea, thank you again. Feel better from talking x
     
  6. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    400
    Good luck @Trekker. I learned from experience not to tell my mum when anyone was visiting regarding her mental health until they were ringing the bell! I tried to talk to the person/service beforehand or at least afterwards but that wasn't always possible. I know what you mean about the wrath. I hope it goes well and you don't get caught in the flak afterwards.
     
  7. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    157
    Female
    London
    Thank you @Sarasa I thought it was best not to tell them but was tempted because of the guilt @canary mentioned, but I know you are correct and that it is better not to tell them in advance. The wrath- so familiar to so many of us, so hard to bear, and always, it feels, directed to the person who does the most for the PWD. If I had magic powers I would wish all those caring for someone with dementia could be spared that x
     
  8. Banjomansmate

    Banjomansmate Registered User

    Jan 13, 2019
    967
    Female
    Dorset
    Perhaps you really need your Mum to have a go at you in front of the visitors so that they can see exactly what can happen and what needs to be considered in respect of care needed!
    Because he lived in a flat I would always go downstairs to meet official visitors at the outside door which gave me time to have a quick word with them before going up to see The Banjoman.
     
  9. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    157
    Female
    London
    Thank you all for your advice and support. Meeting went better than expected, really clued in SW and psych nurse, part of the same mental health team. Long talk with me before they went without me to see my parents, who were reasonable with them. Upshot of meeting, my father needs formal assessment so his dementia diagnosis/stage/ needa can be made, and if current risperidone lull with my mother doesn’t last or they are no longer safe where they are they would be moved to a home together, not separated. So these things can go well and I feel more hopeful x
     
  10. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,865
    Female
    South coast
    Im glad it went well @Trekker
    Its all works so much better when you have a clued up SW.
     

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