Sad today ...

[kingmidas1962]

What a week.

... mum is really struggling. Very low, unable to 'climb out of the hole she's in'. I am remaining firm with the days I don't visit her as I know from experience she will still be unhappy if I am there - but I'll be unhappy too.

...dad deteriorating - had a fall a couple of days ago and cut his head. His carer said he had a few tears afterwards (I've NEVER seen him cry) and he was trying to tell her something but he can no longer form words at all. She said she sat with him and patted his hand and reassured him, and she said he soon stopped. It broke my heart.

He was happy to see us today though. I was helping him 'read' the paper and he became fascinated by my necklace - a glittery silver heart on a chain - so much so that when I moved away he wouldn't let it go - so I gave it to him. He kept turning it over and over in his hands as if he'd never seen jewellery before. That made me cry as well.

One of my lovely colleagues at work lost her husband earlier in the week - she has had a terribly difficult life and suffers from ME ... I don't know how she's going to manage (she will, though) more tears.

I hope that mum can start to see something positive in her life soon - when I was going home today I was dropping her at the local shops. She popped over to briefly chat with the other 'ladies' in the complex where she lives and one of them asked her if she was OK. She said 'no' and told them how she was feeling, and that her house had just been sold and it was all very difficult. She had a bit of a cry. I was so glad to hear her tell someone else, apart from me, and one of the ladies got up and gave her a great big hug. I think she could have some really good friends there is only she'd open up a bit - maybe this will start it?

Anyway. Tough week for me. I'm sure many on here have had much, much worse! Thank goodness my mascara doesn't run or I'd have spent all week looking like a panda!

 

[Izzy]

My goodness what a week. You must feel totally wrung out. That was nice that your mum opened up to someone else. I do hope she can build on this and maybe make some friends. Take care. x

 

[CollegeGirl]

Hi KingM, so sorry about your bad week, but maybe things are looking up if your mum has shared her feelings with these other ladies? Maybe this is the breakthrough you are looking for. I do hope so.

Much love xx

 

[angecmc]

Sorry to hear you have had such a hard week, but glad toread about your Mum opening up to the other ladies in her complex, lets hope this is a new start for her as it will take some of the pressure off you. Its alright to feel sorry forourselves occassionally, as far as you are concerned you have as much on your plate as anyone else on here, just different problems. Take care xx

Ange

 

[Varandas]

Hi KingM
... At least the week is almost over. Sorry to hear it has been another hurdle.
Glad you could make your dad smile and somehow he's still holding (something from) you. Remember that moment - and smile.
Keep well

 

[garnuft]

Aw, your poor Dad. Your poor friend.
Poor you.
I totally understand your frustration with your Mum.
And the way that frustration will make you feel.

If I say some people like to wallow and be miserable, will you be upset and think I am criticising your Mum? I'm truly not.

In my heart I wonder if your Mum is afraid of being happy, if she wonders that the only way to react to the awfulness she has endured, is to keep on being miserable.

Fear and shame of moving on, as well as the pain of the life she could have had, removed from her....

I'm sorry if I'm out of order KM, just I remember when my daughter died.
I was afraid to laugh, long after I felt able to. I worried, illogically, that people expected me to be miserable forever.

Do you know what I'm getting at? It's not your Mum or you, it's the embarrassment of the recovery from grief, especially when grief hasn't written it's final chapter.

Oh, I'm rambling...it's been a hard day but I just wonder if she's afraid of saying she's alright because she knows she never will be and she can't dig herself out of the hole even with help and support.

That to me means one just does what one can and accepts what one can't change.
Whoever 'one' may be.
xxx

 

[Noorza]

No wise words, just hugs from me.

 

[Miss Merlot]

Zero input am afraid but hope things take an upturn for you and yours soon...

 

[CeliaW]

Hi KM - I sort of agree with what garnuft is saying.

Its a bit like when people are physically ill and don't want to be better because of the positive psychological (and sometimes practical) benefits they are getting. A brief example: in a previous job, we used to unblock arteries and were involved in some of the early treatments for this problem. One lady in early 60's - big family, all men, had an ischaemic lower leg and foot. We worked really hard and tried different types of catheters to be able to unblock the artery and were successful. Consultant visited next day and came back saying Mrs X had nice pink foot but was really fed up. I visited later, had a long chat and whilst logically she knew that had she not had the treatment, she would have lost her foot at minimum - she knew that by being better she had lost being looked after and made a fuss of. For the first time in many years she had been unable to do things so, sons, hubby and daughters in law, took care of her, cleaned, baked, washed, made a fuss of her. She knew it couldn't last but didn't want to lose it.

(Sorry, I tried to make it brief!)

Is it maybe that your Mum fears letting go of being miserable and not getting any pleasure because input and sympathy from you and others might decline?

Perhaps a way forward would be to over praise when things are good or when she manages - the only example I can think of off the cuff is to say to her "You know, I keep thinking about when I was on holiday. I really needed that break and I was so impressed with how well you coped whilst I was away" Then you need to follow it up with something along the lines of what nice things you can do together "now you are coping so much better" and give her different positive strokes / input.

I realise you may think this is a load of tosh - lol - but have seen this type of thing happen in so many different situations that I thought, like Gwen, it was another aspect that might be worth a mention.

Take care, hope you have as stress free a weekend as possible,

Hugs

Celia
xx

 

[kingmidas1962]

Aw, your poor Dad. Your poor friend.
Poor you.
I totally understand your frustration with your Mum.
And the way that frustration will make you feel.

If I say some people like to wallow and be miserable, will you be upset and think I am criticising your Mum? I'm truly not.

In my heart I wonder if your Mum is afraid of being happy, if she wonders that the only way to react to the awfulness she has endured, is to keep on being miserable.

Fear and shame of moving on, as well as the pain of the life she could have had, removed from her....

I'm sorry if I'm out of order KM, just I remember when my daughter died.
I was afraid to laugh, long after I felt able to. I worried, illogically, that people expected me to be miserable forever.

Do you know what I'm getting at? It's not your Mum or you, it's the embarrassment of the recovery from grief, especially when grief hasn't written it's final chapter.

Oh, I'm rambling...it's been a hard day but I just wonder if she's afraid of saying she's alright because she knows she never will be and she can't dig herself out of the hole even with help and support.

That to me means one just does what one can and accepts what one can't change.
Whoever 'one' may be.
xxx

You're not out of order, at all. Everything you say is pretty damn accurate...

I just had a l-o-n-g conversation with my aunt (mums youngest sister) who, bless her, is offering her time to relieve me of some of the caring - but yet again, someone is pandering to mum.

Part of the problem is mums inability or unwillingness to TRY to come to terms with, and even accept, what has happened. I cant make her do that. I have to stay resolute and let her carry on with whatever she chooses to do - even if that 'whatever' is to carry on being thoroughly miserable.

 

[cheryl k]

Sad today

I am so sorry to hear of your week and hope tomorrow will be better

 

[Pheath]

Indeed, what a hard week you’ve endured. It must be incredibly difficult having both your parents so vulnerable and am sure an immense strain on you. As you say though it was good she felt able to unburden herself on someone else and spare you on this occasion. My dad is also in a very bad way these days and know only too well how emotional visits can be. Hope you have a chance to restore yourself a bit over the weekend. We don’t visit quite everyday anymore as for our own mental wellbeing need to have some time off and look after ourselves too, am glad you’re doing the same.