1. marmarlade

    marmarlade Registered User

    Jan 26, 2015
    183
    hubby died 9 weeks ago, am coping quite well, but yesterday,I felt so alone, [have family near by that I see every day] but I suddenly thought how hubby must have felt when I had to put him in care ,so alone and not knowing any one, as his mum[thats me the wife] wasnt there ,he used to say ive been looking for you.and I thought I was doing so well the tears werent so often, how I wish this thought hadnt come to me,I was trying so hard to remember the good times but more tears and now I can cope again for a while,just needed some one to tell,and I know I have friends on here that ubderstand/
     
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,539
    Merseyside
    Oh marmalade I just want to give you a big hug.
    Grief comes in waves. Some are gentle, some huge. They'll ebb & flow.
     
  3. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,551
    Ireland
    It comes like that marmalade. Something will trigger it off, and you'll be devastated for a while. My husband died in August 2015. He died so peacefully, and as he had wanted his coffin closed, and wasn't being embalmed, I couldn't bear for him to be disturbed at all, so he was buried just as he was, in his pyjamas. Then, in February, the weather turned bitterly cold and wet, and I was visiting his grave one day, and I suddenly got the idea that I should have put his favourite purple blanket around him, because now, with the bad weather, he would be so cold in just his pj's! I was inconsolable for a while, even though I knew it was silly.
    Grief is just like that. Your husband was getting the care you couldn't give him by yourself. When someone has dementia, we have to make compromises, in their best interests, between what they want and what they need. xx
     
  4. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    I love this place. You can come here and share your feelings, then, everyone piles in and gives such loving support.

    I'm early days yet with my hubby's passing, (23rd April), and it is tough. I know I've lived alone for these last two years, so I'm used to that, but being Mrs., and having no Mr. by my side is very hard. It sorta bowls you over, now and then.

    Gentle hugs for you, Marmalade. xxxxxxxxxxx
     
  5. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,525
    North East England
    Such moving posts, I want to give you all gentle and supportive hugs. You are all bereft, and no-one's feelings in that situation are ever silly. You feel what you feel. Nothing is right or wrong. Sending love xx
     
  6. Rosnpton

    Rosnpton Registered User

    Mar 19, 2017
    394
    Northants
    Just sending love and hugs
    Ros
     
  7. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,333
    Pontypool
    These waves of sadness do come and go. I came back from a week's holiday last week and just felt totally bereft that I didn't have my husband there to share the experience with. It passes but dwelling on 'what ifs' and 'might have beens' is an inevitable trigger for sad thoughts and wishing things could have been different. It's good that we have TP to support each other. xxx
     
  8. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    1,002
    Colchester
    Tomorrow we are being assessed for my husband to go into respite. Except if all goes ok he will stay there permanently. I am feeling so sad, so inadequate, so totally miserable. I love him so much but the isolation and double incontinence has finished me. I could manage better if he would co-operate when i am trying to clean him but he fights me and it is a difficult and unpleasant enough job without all that. And he never wants to go out anywhere. I feel like a prisoner. Last Wednesday I had an appointment at the nursing home and found myself in a right state because I had to drive to a a part of town that I wasn't used to. I hardly drive anywhere nowadays and my confidence is very bad.I suppose what I am trying to say is that the grief comes long before the loss of our loved one and I feel your pain and know that one day it will be me. I watched my husband this afternoon. whilst he sat playing with his cards. He was singing a nonsense song, talking to no- one, totally off his head and gone from reality. I sat and the tears came. I thought "What a waste of my lovely man". This started when he was 65. he is 75 this month. Sorry for all of you that are feeling so lost and sad. I think I can understand how you feel.Lots of love.x
     
  9. Maggiemol

    Maggiemol Registered User

    Feb 28, 2017
    37
    Devon
    Sad, sad comments. This is such a cruel disease, made worse by making so many brave carers feel guilty and inadequate when they are doing (or have done) everything humanly possible to look after their loved ones. The posts here are a testament to the dedication of carers. My thoughts are with all of you and may we all have peaceful times ahead.
     
  10. suzabell

    suzabell Registered User

    Aug 29, 2014
    12
    bury st edmunds
    Dear Cashbow, With you in your sad time. You have been stoic for so long but you have no choice now by the sound of things. When you can try & Get out and do something positive so that when you visit him you can enjoy the good parts without that constant fight. I know 2 people similar age to you who have regained their lives. It doesn't mean they don't care. they then have the strength then to visit.
    My Husband is 60 & I need to get some temporary respite so I can have a break. Only 7 years ago he was still teaching. That will be weird to put him into a home. He will continue his day care. My fear is he will totally forget who I am. We have been together all today but tonight he asked if I were his sister in law.
    Love & Hugs
    Suzabell
     
  11. suzabell

    suzabell Registered User

    Aug 29, 2014
    12
    bury st edmunds
    alone

    Dear Marmarlade,
    Big hugs for you. Tomorrow is another day for you to take another step forwards.
    xxxx
     
  12. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,551
    Ireland
    Completely understand, Casbow. I'm only now, and very slowly, starting to get any confidence back about driving anywhere I'm unfamiliar with. Caring for someone in the later stages of dementia, our world just gets smaller and smaller. Will be thinking of you tomorrow.xx
     
  13. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Oh, these posts have brought tears to my eyes, not difficult at the moment, but there is something in all of them that I recognise.

    I lost Roger 2 years ago, and still feel the guilt of him being in a nursing home, even though I know it was the best for him and for me too. I can still see his face when he had a bad time in the first care home, when the manager exaggerated situations and basically lied about what had happened.

    As Lady A says, I often think about him being cold in his coffin; he was always cold. I feel the same Jinx when I come back from holiday, as he should have been with me and we should be able to talk about it, but no, I come home to my empty house and tell the dog!

    I am going through a tough patch at the moment, no real reason, other than missing the man I love and wondering should I have done things differently. I guess it's all part of grieving, but I find that hard.

    Thank you Marmalade for starting this thread, and I'm sending hugs to everyone who is feeling sad for whatever reason. The real hugs are something I miss.
     
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    70,084
    Kent
    I agree with you Jan. I am also relating to the sadness in this Thread.

    I`m sorry you too are feeling more vulnerable than usual. It seems to come in waves .

    I don`t think it does any of us any harm to feel sad and low. There`s no point pretending, it is perfectly natural to miss those we have lost. The size of the hole is too big to be filled.

    I`m still going with the flow and am grateful I`m being allowed to do so.
     
  15. Rosnpton

    Rosnpton Registered User

    Mar 19, 2017
    394
    Northants
    hope it wasn't too upsetting-
    looks stupid when written -but i mean it nicely-
    you know it will be for the best,you can regain some of your own strength and be able to visit instead of having to carry the whole burden on your shoulders
    sending hugs
    ros
     
  16. reddollyfood

    reddollyfood Registered User

    Apr 28, 2015
    36
    How strange and so comforting that there are so many of you feeling just as I do. Its been 6 months since my lovely old boy and soul mate was taken from me and I still just can't get used to this loneliness and so wanting to share things with him. I'd love to say it gets easier as time goes by but I don't really feel it. However some days are loads better than others.
    I don't regret him being placed in a nursing home - the staff were so wonderful to us both and gave us so many happy amusing times which I hold on to. I grieved the loss of my husband when dementia took away the man I had lived with for all those years but grew to accept the person he became - a man with dementia.
    When he died I grieved again - and I suppose I continue to do so.
    Thank you for starting this thread Marmalade - and thank you to all those who added to it. It does help to know other people feel like I do. You see the strange thing is that all through my husband's dementia journey I knew no one within my circle of friends and family who had a spouse with dementia so without Talking Point I would have had no one to get me through. I get so much from these posts. Thank you all!
     
  17. JMS1824

    JMS1824 Registered User

    Feb 20, 2017
    3
    Thanks for the input

    My mother has dementia and has now gone into a care home. It helps me to see your comments about how you feel when your spouses go into care and/or pass on. I think I tend to be a bit too hard on my Dad sometimes, although I do try to understand how he feels (and that he's not always totally on the ball cognitively himself). So hearing what it's like to be the spouse effectively losing their life partner is valuable input for me. Thank you.
     
  18. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,551
    Ireland
    We have a term that a forummer coined for those whose spouses are in full time care, which leaves them alone, and basically‚Äč trying to put a life together, but they're not yet widowed. On TP, they are "midowed" .
     
  19. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    2,440
    Yorkshire
    I consider myself a midow although my husband still lives with me. I feel as if I am going through a slow bereavement and I am grieving but I am still married.


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  20. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,551
    Ireland
    It's been said that dementia is an illness where you lose the person twice or three times. First you lose them to the illness. Then you experience a second loss when they go to full time care, and finally we lose them again when they die. Each loss is different, and each loss must be grieved. xx
     

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