Sad Day

[mypal]

I posted this earlier this morning but thanks to grannie G realised that I had not put it in the main forum so I do apologise for repeating this narrative.

I have been following the fourm for some time now but this is the first time I have felt able to join in discussions. Yesterday was my birthday and for the first time since mum was diagnosed I realised she not only did not realise but she was not sure who I actually was. Just writing this is so upsetting.

I am the only daughter of a mum diagnosed with mixed vascular dementia and alzheimer's. Her diagnosis came a couple of years ago following a period of increasing memory loss. She lives independently, just down the road from my me and my family (husband and three girls) and copes pretty well. We have always had a close relationship and when my dad died many years ago now mum moved down from Cambridgeshire to be near us.

Whilst I am a heathcare progessional myself I find this does not help when dealing with this awful disease.

Reading how supportive everyone is on the forum and the wealth of knowledge and experience people have is really helpful. I have never participated in any online forum before so feel a little apprehensive.

Yesterday was a turning point in many ways; I know from many of you that there are always good and bad days, in the beginning I would make plans for mum (carers, residential etc) only to realise that having one bad day did not mean that every day would be like that. Mum is a fit 83yr old, she still rides her bike (better than me!) and is very active. However her memory is worsening and I would appreciate anyone's help on how to deal with a couple of challenging things;
Mum is buying too much food and storing it inappropriately i.e. pizza (which she never used to eat) in the cupboard, frozen chips in the fridge buying loads of fresh pies ( I counted 8 yesterday). My daughters and I have been able to clear out her fridge regularly but I am not sure what she is eating and am worried that she is at risk of becoming ill. Secondly whilst not so much of a risk but a change in her behaviour is how she dresses herself. She was always well dressed and enjoyed shopping but recently her clothes are not clean and she is wearing mismatched things which I know she would hate.

My problem is she is very proud; she has never acknowledged that she had memory problems and she is very clever at covering up for mistakes etc. How can I address the food and clothing issues without completely upsetting her?

I am sorry for the long message I have found it hard to keep it short!

 

[Polly1945]

Hi MyPal,

Just want to wish you a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Please keep on posting here, it will be very helpful for you.

It is difficult when the person i.e. your Mum is living with you but in many cases it is even harder when they live away as you don't have much control about their food and clothing.

I appreciate how difficult it is for you when your Mum denies having memory problems, although sadly this is very common.

I had my Mum live in a bungalow next to our house and was able to supervise her showering and dressing. I managed to get a good routine going, while she was in the walk-in shower I would get her breakfast ready, after putting out her clean clothes for the day. Then I would do her hair and sort out the bed. But it's not so easy if you are not directly on hand.

Would it be possible to sort out your Mum's clothing last thing at night, you can still get her to chose what she wants to wear.

Not much help really, I'm sure others will come along with better suggestions.

The best advice is to take one day at a time.

Looking forward to reading your posts again soon.

Pauline
X

 

[marionq]

Like Polly I leave out clothes for my husband but he quite often puts them back and takes other things out of the wardrobe. If it doesn't matter I let it go and if it is very inappropriate I try to make light of it "you know your black shoes would look better with that suit than yellow boots and you are so smart in the suit." If it works fine but if not just let her be a wee bit eccentric. Keeping clean and properly fed is the more serious side and you can only suggest eg that pizzas might upset her digestion/ she looks so lovely washed and with her lovely hair glossy. Whatever strategy works! You won't change it until dementia decides to change her.

 

[mypal]

Hi MyPal,

Just want to wish you a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Please keep on posting here, it will be very helpful for you.

It is difficult when the person i.e. your Mum is living with you but in many cases it is even harder when they live away as you don't have much control about their food and clothing.

I appreciate how difficult it is for you when your Mum denies having memory problems, although sadly this is very common.



I had my Mum live in a bungalow next to our house and was able to supervise her showering and dressing. I managed to get a good routine going, while she was in the walk-in shower I would get her breakfast ready, after putting out her clean clothes for the day. Then I would do her hair and sort out the bed. But it's not so easy if you are not directly on hand.

Would it be possible to sort out your Mum's clothing last thing at night, you can still get her to chose what she wants to wear.



Not much help really, I'm sure others will come along with better suggestions.

The best advice is to take one day at a time.



Looking forward to reading your posts again soon.

Pauline
X

Thank you Pauline, it is so good to hear from others as I am never sure I am doing or saying the right thing. We do live very close by to Mum so I could start to organise her clothes for her, maybe put certain things at the front of her wardrobe etc. regarding her food at the moment we take opportunities to clean the fridge and remove old items/rearrange as we can but I do have to be careful in case we upset her. We have thought about moving and having her live in her own annex by us. I just do not know what is best at the moment.

I will definitely keep posting

 

[mypal]

Like Polly I leave out clothes for my husband but he quite often puts them back and takes other things out of the wardrobe. If it doesn't matter I let it go and if it is very inappropriate I try to make light of it "you know your black shoes would look better with that suit than yellow boots and you are so smart in the suit." If it works fine but if not just let her be a wee bit eccentric. Keeping clean and properly fed is the more serious side and you can only suggest eg that pizzas might upset her digestion/ she looks so lovely washed and with her lovely hair glossy. Whatever strategy works! You won't change it until dementia decides to change her.

Thank you, it is so good to hear from others experiencing similar issues. I am close enough to help mum organise her clothes a bit more, I will just have to be careful how I manage the situation, she is very proud ! Regarding the food, I have no real answer at the moment apart from keeping a close eye on her; my experience so far is that she changes her behaviours regularly so I am hoping this might stop.

 

[marsbar]

I posted this earlier this morning but thanks to grannie G realised that I had not put it in the main forum so I do apologise for repeating this narrative.

I have been following the fourm for some time now but this is the first time I have felt able to join in discussions. Yesterday was my birthday and for the first time since mum was diagnosed I realised she not only did not realise but she was not sure who I actually was. Just writing this is so upsetting.

I am the only daughter of a mum diagnosed with mixed vascular dementia and alzheimer's. Her diagnosis came a couple of years ago following a period of increasing memory loss. She lives independently, just down the road from my me and my family (husband and three girls) and copes pretty well. We have always had a close relationship and when my dad died many years ago now mum moved down from Cambridgeshire to be near us.

Whilst I am a heathcare progessional myself I find this does not help when dealing with this awful disease.

Reading how supportive everyone is on the forum and the wealth of knowledge and experience people have is really helpful. I have never participated in any online forum before so feel a little apprehensive.

Yesterday was a turning point in many ways; I know from many of you that there are always good and bad days, in the beginning I would make plans for mum (carers, residential etc) only to realise that having one bad day did not mean that every day would be like that. Mum is a fit 83yr old, she still rides her bike (better than me!) and is very active. However her memory is worsening and I would appreciate anyone's help on how to deal with a couple of challenging things;
Mum is buying too much food and storing it inappropriately i.e. pizza (which she never used to eat) in the cupboard, frozen chips in the fridge buying loads of fresh pies ( I counted 8 yesterday). My daughters and I have been able to clear out her fridge regularly but I am not sure what she is eating and am worried that she is at risk of becoming ill. Secondly whilst not so much of a risk but a change in her behaviour is how she dresses herself. She was always well dressed and enjoyed shopping but recently her clothes are not clean and she is wearing mismatched things which I know she would hate.

My problem is she is very proud; she has never acknowledged that she had memory problems and she is very clever at covering up for mistakes etc. How can I address the food and clothing issues without completely upsetting her?

I am sorry for the long message I have found it hard to keep it short!

Hi mypal ,
I think your mom maybe further into the illness than my mom but the behavioural patterns are the same. buying yoghourts that she doesn't eat and storing them in a cupboard.. cornflakes in the wardrobe... she has been " stocking up" since july in case the snow comes again ! We have come to accept mom's choice of clothing and even though her washer is on every day she still has stains on her " pinnie".. thankfully the "pinnie" stays in the house when she goes out. My mom also is in denial and won't listen to any talk of alzheimers... "her down the road is just the same" It is hard to see the decline in your mom's standards but accepting she is ill and just doing the best you can for her on any given day is all you can do. We have thrown loads of "ready meals" away but strangely enough no cake ever gets wasted ha ha ... best of luck and keep coming back to the forum.