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sad conversation

pumpkin31

Registered User
Mar 26, 2020
58
0
HI phoned my husband today at the home hes very anxious why im not visiting and said dont u love me anymore heartbreaking.?and you dont care for me brought tears to my eyes to hear him so unhappy.He wants to come back home to me as he says he waits for my visits and i dont show.I have explained why i cant come but he thinks ive got to much to do and no time for me very sad. He also said that when i was in hospital 11 years ago he visited me every day which he did and now when the boot is on the other foot u cant be bothered to come and see me its making me feel very depressed and making me feel like a failure as it should be me looking after him.He said i dumped him there and now i dont want to know the truth of it is i think about him every day every minute of the day and my heart is breaking that we are not together. What do i do i cant cope? as it is and my mental health is all to pieces. He wants to come home he said so we can work things out and he said we will get through this together. tried to change the subject but it came back to the same thing.He was shouting my name over and over cant cope very sad i am hes clearly not happyCant go on much longer feeling like this cant see him cause of the lockdown cant wave at him through the window and now ive been told i can only talk to him once a day.Do they think im a robot? i need to talk to my husband especially when his mood is low and gives him comfort as such when he hears my voice for a few minutes anyway. its very hard for me as hee went in the home in january and lockdown was in february so not seen him in all that time cant understand why ive not been to see him said you cant be bothered.Sorry its a bit long winded this time but its so awful to hear that your husband is so unhappy like i am now . W e have been married 22years and only been apart for a month in all that time.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,711
0
Bedford
I know it hurts me when Mum says to me ‘you can’t be bothered to come and see me’. So it must be far harder for you as you shared your 22 years together with little time apart so you have an ‘empty’ hole in your life too. I wish I could provide some wisdom that might comfort you but I am afraid I can’t. I can only send a few virtual hugs in these difficult times
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,600
0
Your husband is anxious on the phone talking to you, but he has carer's who can help him throughout the day and you know he is safe and being looked after 24/7.

You are not alone with this horrible anxiety that most of us are suffering from in these difficult times. Keep posting here and you will receive huge amounts of support.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
679
0
HI phoned my husband today at the home hes very anxious why im not visiting and said dont u love me anymore heartbreaking.?and you dont care for me brought tears to my eyes to hear him so unhappy.He wants to come back home to me as he says he waits for my visits and i dont show.I have explained why i cant come but he thinks ive got to much to do and no time for me very sad. He also said that when i was in hospital 11 years ago he visited me every day which he did and now when the boot is on the other foot u cant be bothered to come and see me its making me feel very depressed and making me feel like a failure as it should be me looking after him.He said i dumped him there and now i dont want to know the truth of it is i think about him every day every minute of the day and my heart is breaking that we are not together. What do i do i cant cope? as it is and my mental health is all to pieces. He wants to come home he said so we can work things out and he said we will get through this together. tried to change the subject but it came back to the same thing.He was shouting my name over and over cant cope very sad i am hes clearly not happyCant go on much longer feeling like this cant see him cause of the lockdown cant wave at him through the window and now ive been told i can only talk to him once a day.Do they think im a robot? i need to talk to my husband especially when his mood is low and gives him comfort as such when he hears my voice for a few minutes anyway. its very hard for me as hee went in the home in january and lockdown was in february so not seen him in all that time cant understand why ive not been to see him said you cant be bothered.Sorry its a bit long winded this time but its so awful to hear that your husband is so unhappy like i am now . W e have been married 22years and only been apart for a month in all that time.
Heartbreaking for you - I don't know what to say except maybe he's fine when you're not speaking to him, they probably have all sorts of activities going on, he might be perfectly happy but when he speaks to you it reminds him of home. I'm surprised he remembers that you haven't visited, is his dementia not too advanced?
 

Splashing About

Registered User
Oct 20, 2019
434
0
I empathise because I was not allowed to see my mother and worried that she too felt or thought that way. The home did not facilitate contact or send pictures and I felt despairing.
in your case I think it’s like children who pour out their angst and sadness into you when they see you. You are left carrying that burden and worrying and in between They are fine. Your husband is distracted by carers etc. I know it’s not the same :(
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,294
0
Have you asked the carers how your husband is throughout the day? As the others have said, he may be fine when you aren't talking to him as he isn't reminded that he isn't seeing you. The phone call prompts him to remember.

Most people with dementia lose their sense of time, and will say with conviction that you haven't visited for ages even if you were there the previous day. Usually you would have the comfort of knowing that you had actually visited, but it is very upsetting for you because you know that you haven't been able to see him for months. If you are upset on the phone, this will in turn upset him. It's such a difficult situation. I hope it will be safe for you to visit in the near future.
 

Star of the Orient

Registered User
May 20, 2020
33
0
This may seem a very small thing to do but can you send/deliver to him 'I love you' cards? any gifts for him to open?
I am not sure about the rules of this and the virus. It may help warm his heart. It may allay his worry a little. He may think that you are on a little holiday. They may not have the staff to facilitate a little zoom on line meeting for you both. I know my husband would have problems accessing anything like this. It is very hard as you naturally care so very much.
 

Star of the Orient

Registered User
May 20, 2020
33
0
This may seem a very small thing to do but can you send/deliver to him 'I love you' cards? any gifts for him to open?
I am not sure about the rules of this and the virus. It may help warm his heart. It may allay his worry a little. He may think that you are on a little holiday. They may not have the staff to facilitate a little zoom on line meeting for you both. I know my husband would have problems accessing anything like this. It is very hard as you naturally care so very much.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
909
0
This may seem a very small thing to do but can you send/deliver to him 'I love you' cards? any gifts for him to open?
I am not sure about the rules of this and the virus. It may help warm his heart. It may allay his worry a little. He may think that you are on a little holiday. They may not have the staff to facilitate a little zoom on line meeting for you both. I know my husband would have problems accessing anything like this. It is very hard as you naturally care so very much.
I think that's a lovely idea. I send my mum (not quite the same I know) a card every week, as she struggles with words and video calls are too confusing for her. The staff tell me she really enjoys getting the them, particularly if they have a little box of chocolates in with them.
 

pumpkin31

Registered User
Mar 26, 2020
58
0
Hi all thank you for all the replies a great comfort to me. I will ask the care home about sending love you cards but they are quite strict with post cause of the virus everything in the home regarding post is disinfected straight away but i will ask when i phone in the morning.Hes middle stage now as the manager said today that his dementia is progressing now but hes quite lucid somedays and he can remember things that happened years ago as when i was in hospital for a month owing to me having a brain hemorrhage in 2009 he was at the hospital every day to visit me he knows i am not visiting and hes middle stage hes back on the mememtine so that maybe helping with his memory.Im phoning twice a day cause i told them i need to know any changes in his health cause i havnt been informed now they are telling me if there are any changes. He looks forward to a second phone call one in the morning and another at nite. He said he was going to have his supper then he was going for a couple of pints as hes not had a drink in ages. The only drink he would be having would be his cocoa before going to bed. Made me chuckle when he said that and ive not laughed in ages.He said there was three of them going and they would have a sing song and then they would be going home and he was quite serious when he said it.
 

pumpkin31

Registered User
Mar 26, 2020
58
0
Hi Lemon Balm yes thank you he was quite lucid this morning very chirpy just sounded like my husband . he was going out in the garden with the carers after he had had his lunch. he said he was very hungry and dinner was late and it was only 11-30.Carer said hes always talking about me all the time and saying what a good wife i am. I got a sweetheart this morning so he is in good spirits.I said i will ring again tonite just to see how he is as i do worry about him.Carer said i can ring anytime which is a comfort to me.x.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
909
0
That's good to hear. It makes such a difference when we can hear that our loved ones are having a good day and so very difficult to be cheerful when we think they are not happy.