1. Keely

    Keely Registered User

    Aug 6, 2007
    95
    I have not posted for some time my mum died in Jan 9th and her funeral was held amidst the worst of the snow in the north west. It was beautiful and surreal and we were lucky the funeral went ahead given the conditions. I was not expecting the level of grief and loss I am feeling. It was a relief that she died both to her and to the family. I have no regrets I did everything I could to help and support her through her illness which slowly and at time cruelly robbed her of her mental and physical faculties. I spent the last week of her life with her and was with her when she died. Over the years I have sobbed and grieved the loss of her as the alzheimer's advanced and she declined. So why am I so sad and lonely now? I know she would tell me she had her life and to live and enjoy my life but I am struggling to do so. I am doing things but I have lost all routine e.g. thinking about what she needed, visiting the nursing home etc. I don't miss the illness (almost 10 years of it) but I miss her which is odd because she was not herself for such a long time. Why do you think i am feeling like this and have others of you felt like this too?
     
  2. Sue J

    Sue J Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
    8,042
    Hi Keely

    Sorry to read of your grief and the loss of your Mum. Grief is individual and you now have the space to 'miss' your Mum - 10 years of caring probably didn't give you the space for that. I don't think we can prepare ourselves for a level of grief but I do believe the depth of grief is relative to the loss that is experienced. By missing your Mum maybe you are experiencing grief for what AD took from her and you also.

    In understanding my own grief yes I have and do feel like you are experiencing although my circumstances were different. Allow yourself to experience the grief and don't expect too much of yourself, grief is pain so be kind and gentle to yourself and you will emerge from it and enjoy life again.
    best wishes
    Sue
     
  3. LuluCoops

    LuluCoops Registered User

    Oct 6, 2012
    12
    Chester
    ...maybe you could help others embarking on the journey?

    Hi Keely,

    Like you I am visiting TP for the first time in months. Straight away I was struck by your grief and loss. I feel that I am just placing my feet on the 1st steps of your journey and last night I was thinking about how I might feel should I loose my Mum and what I would regret not doing for her. it was lovely to read about how much you cared for and loved your Mum.

    My Mum's memory & mental well being are on the decline and I don't know how to help her. She is unwilling to enter into any conversations about seeing her GP or seeking help. I've tried talking to her GP but they tell me there is nothing they can do unless she sees them of her own free will. She is 76. Even if she does see a doctor under pressure from me I wonder what they can do for her and whether she will regret it & blame me. I sense her fear even though she avoids the subject.

    Everyday she becomes more anxious seeing the negatives in everything & everybody, afraid to do anything unless she is with me, sleeping less, avoiding social contact and no longer cooking for herself. After my step father died (3 years ago this Bank Holiday) she moved closer (15 mins away rather than 2 hrs). It was a massive undertaking which pushed us both to the limits but she was adamant about moving and I'm so glad she's here now. She lives in a beautiful flat (small complex of 6) in a village on a direct bus link to Chester and my house, but already she dislikes many aspects of it and seems to want to move again to be even closer to me.

    I just don't seem to know what to do day-to-day to help and its making me sadder. I've tried all sorts but easy working full-time with a family.

    The reason for rambling on like this is that you must have so much insight and experience to share and so maybe you could direct your grief into this, perhaps even become a moderator on the forum (I noticed they are asking for volunteers). :)

    I posted some time ago and received some good advice which helped me understand the problem better and not be so hard on my Mum as she may be sick. The Forum does seem to be truly supportive advice on many levels.

    Anyway just something to think on.

    Remember all the good times you had with your Mum and celebrate her life rather than be sad about loosing her. I'm sure that is what she would want.
     
  4. chana

    chana Registered User

    Jul 17, 2012
    2,188
    europe
    keely- i think what youre feeling is normal. my mom died 9 months ago and when she was diagnosed she died within 11 months. i didnt know what hit me. it was a nightmare.my dad is dead 18 years from cancer. i think we all need time to grieve. when my dad died, people used to tell my mom-- GET WITH IT ALREADY they were married 50 years. when she told me that, i was somewhat annoyed. because i told her you have to grieve in your own way in your own time. people cannt set a timeline on grief. we all have our ways of handling grief. she said HOW DID YOU GET SO SMART? i told her I HAD THE BEST TEACHER. remember this is your mom and you saw her in the worst desease imaginable. how can you feel? you loved your mom. thats normal.in couldnt do a lot of things right away either. because all of a sudden i had no parents. it was me. i have a great husband and kids, but a mom is a mom. a dad is a dad. theyre different relationships.i love my husband and he and my children got me thru, but i have moments. i see things that remind me of my parents and i cry. i laugh too because they were so humorous. my dad was a natural.i always say the little things make up the whole picture. thats my saying, but i believe it.youll get there in your own time in your way and youll know when you do. youll know when things get a little easier and 1 day they will, just not today. i wouldnt worry about that. after all she was your mom. she raised you to be you. , so whats wrong with remembering?
     
  5. Dagne

    Dagne Registered User

    Feb 16, 2013
    140
    Keely,

    Sending you good thoughts. I found with my Grandmother who died after years of dementia, her death released the grief I had felt for 10 + years. When someone is still alive, something seems to hold us back from fully mourning, even if we have grieved the loss of the person we know.

    On the positive side, once I had got through the most intense of the grief, I was flooded with so many good memories coming back. I hope that you will find the same ability to be visited by good memories.

    Every good wish,

    Dagne
     
  6. Keely

    Keely Registered User

    Aug 6, 2007
    95
    Thank you for all your kind words - I will take up the suggestions and advice. I have registered to become a champion and will look into the other suggestion of perhaps using my experience to help others. With love and thanks to you all. x
     
  7. britlec

    britlec Registered User

    Jan 17, 2013
    36
    Italy
    Keely I wrote about my father's death on another thread but just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. My father had been ill for so long with, it seemed, death just around to corner for at least six years. So I had plenty of time to get used to the idea - in theory. He suddenly got worse around Christmas time, picked up a bit then got worse again in April, went into a coma on May 1st and died here at home on the 9th. I was with him all the time, I knew what was coming, but still my grief took me by surprise. I feel a physical ache somewhere in my chest. Watching someone you love die is so hard. But I know it will get better. I will survive and so will you. We're all rooting for each other here. Much love.
     

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