1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. helenlong

    helenlong Registered User

    Sep 2, 2014
    10
    I am having a really terrible time with my mother recently. Her dementia is progressing and she needs more and more help. I live 2 hours away, so I call her most days to check in but lately these calls have been like Russian roulette!
    :confused:
    I posted a few days ago about her car (and got some really helpful advice). Mum will either be lovely and sweet or viscous and nasty and, of course I never know which Mum I will get on the phone!
    So, the car issue rages. I get calls at least daily demanding to know if I have her keys, or demanding to know who told the DVLA about her driving. Sometimes I can calm her down and end on a good note, sometimes I can't.
    The latest tirade was about me interfering in her life and that it is none of my business (etc). Again, sometimes I can calm her down, sometimes I can't.
    With the bad calls I am firm with her: I tell her I will not talk to her when she is in this mood, or that I haven't time now and will call her later. She invariably hangs up on me. Yesterday she called me to demand about her keys again and I calmed her down. I explained patiently again and we ended on a really lovely note about how I will pick her up to come to stay for the weekend, etc.
    She then called back within 20 minutes full of anger again. She proceeded to call me another 20+ times that night ( I didn't take any more of her calls).
    She then called as many times again this morning. When I did talk to her at around 9am she was full of remorse. Very sorry, and full of how she must have had a mad moment and that she loved me, etc. I said it was alright and that I understood and would call her for a chat this evening.
    She called me again at work at midday seemingly having forgotten the previous call and full of hatred again. I firmly said I could not talk as I was at work and would call her later.
    I have just called her and she very curtly told me, before I had said anything, that she was finished with me, and then she hung up!
    I KNOW this is the disease. I know it isn't her! But I am beginning to fear the phone ringing. I am rung through with this. It is just like.... well, Russian Roulette.:(
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,546
    Female
    South coast
    (((hugs)))) I actually think that you are handling the calls very well.
    I used to dread the multiple phone calls and, like you, I never knew which mum I would be talking to. She could also turn during the call!
    No advice Im afraid, just tons of empathy
     
  3. helenlong

    helenlong Registered User

    Sep 2, 2014
    10
    Thank you. I agree that there isn't a solution, but a hug is very welcome!
     

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