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Ruining my family’s life


New member
Sep 14, 2019
Long story short, my Gran was diagnosed with vascular dementia a while ago, until recently she lived at home with my Grandad. Things started to get worse, my Grandad is frail and caring for her began to make him unwell. My mum, auntie and grandad all tried to work together to help care for her within her home but became too hard. She was in and out of restbite then came home, began to get up several times during the night which really became the last straw, she needed emergency care in a home. Now, she has been staying within a care home for a few weeks and it’s taking a toll on my family and her. My Grandad is no longer who he used to be, he is depressed and doesn’t want anything more than her home, my Mum and Auntie also seem depressed and it’s taking a huge toll on what was an extremely close and happy family. I try to help as much as I can and I feel like family life is never going to be happy again, I find it awkward to speak about within the family, everybody gets upset and I just hold it in and avoid the conversations at all costs, I really need some advice or just somebody to speak to! Anything is appreciated

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Everyone is bound to be upset @kg1890.

The whole family is feeling the effects of your grandad`s dementia. Just try to be there for each other and if you can, encourage the rest of the family to talk about it.

Sharing your sadness will help rather than all grieving by yourselves.


Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
South coast
Hello @kg1890 and welcome to DTP.

Its going to take a while for everyone to adapt.
If you have a read of some of the thread you will find that your grandads reaction is not uncommon. Its almost like a bereavement. Your grandad is lost without your Gran being at home, even though he was not coping, and now he feels guilty, like he has let everyone down, that he should have been able to cope, that he has broken his marriage vows and is probably blaming himself for his wifes dementia.

Im sure your family will get back to being close and happy again. Be gentle with yourself and everyone around


Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
Welcome from me too @kg1890

You could be describing my own family from a few years back. We coped by supporting my dad. We went to see mum twice a day most days in her carehome and how we longed to have her back with us, in her home, with my dad.

I’ve since found out that visiting mum so often was probably not a good idea (it certainly left us all exhausted) but it was what my dad and my mum’s twin sister wanted to do so I and my children supported them. But that was before I found DTP and we didn’t have a clue how to cope..

You’ll find your own way in time.

I think it’s important to talk to each other. It helps keep everyone close if they share feelings.