Rrspite care and extreme guilt

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Lindie16, May 11, 2019.

  1. Lindie16

    Lindie16 Registered User

    Nov 25, 2018
    37
    hi all
    I am really struggling at the moment 2 years after moving mum in with me.
    I work full time and then care on evening and weekend. My boyfriend cares didn’t mum during the day.
    Mum goes to day centre once a week to give my boyfriend a break.
    I feel exhausted, trapped, confused and mentally unable to cope. I desperately need respite care however I am petrified of telling mum that she is going into care - even for a week.
    I know it is best for her but I am struggling with the thoughts of guilt that I will be abandoning her. I know this is not the case and that if I don’t get some respite soon I won’t be able to look after her at all. My hair has started falling out. I never leave the house other than to go to work or to go and sit in a local lay by and cry.
    Please may I have some advise on how others have broached the subject and experiences of getting person caring for to go to respite care?
    I just know it’s going to be an awful emotional struggle. I’m also afraid that when she gets back our relationship will be worse and she will hate me and never forgive me for putting her into respite.
    Thanks for advise in advance
     
  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,892
    N Ireland
    I haven't faced this yet but have read many accounts from members who sell it as a doctor ordered convalescence break if there has been a recent illness, or a holiday to help the carers take a break.

    Part of the trick seems to be to keep talking about it to a minimum and just secretly packing a bag and quietly dropping the person off without a fuss.

    I'm sure others will be along to let you know how they managed this.
     
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,787
    Female
    Scotland
    She may enjoy the company of others once she has settled down. I would say you should have been looking at a care home some time ago before you got to the stage you describe. Be your own best friend and tell yourself to be sensible. This can't continue.
     
  4. KathrynAnne

    KathrynAnne Registered User

    Jun 6, 2018
    272
    Female
    South Yorkshire
    You need this respite otherwise you will break down and won’t be able to look after your Mum at all. Your Mum goes to the day centre so she is used to being somewhere other than your house with different people.
    My Mum lived with me and I know I would not have been able to cope without a week’s respite every 3 months or so.
    I called into a few care homes to look round with my Mum without telling her beforehand. We’d be going out for a coffee and I’d say we’ll just pop in here and have a look round. I could then get a feel for how Mum seemed to like it.
    Can you ask the day centre if they can recommend somewhere?
    Say as little as possible to your Mum about it.
    Give yourself a break. You are doing a great job but without a bit of respite you just won’t be able to carry on. Have you contacted Social Services for an assessment for your Mum and a carer’s assessment for yourself? If not you need to arrange this as soon as possible. Good luck xxx
     
  5. father ted

    father ted Registered User

    Aug 16, 2010
    684
    London
    Don't feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty for.

    You urgently need a break. Don't carry on till you are at breaking point which sounds pretty close otherwise you will just end up resenting your Mum and that will spoil your relationship. Mum going to respite to give you a break won't make worse a relationship that is already such a strain. It is the dementia that is putting so much pressure on your relationship nothing else. You are doing all you can for your Mum, your boyfriend too if he is caring 6 days a week. Accept that in order to care for Mum and yourself in the future respite will have to become part of that plan.
     
  6. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    748
    Male
    Newcastle
    It sounds like you need a break @Lindie16 . What to say (if anything) depends upon the level of awareness of the person with dementia. My wife is not very aware and has no memory beyond a few seconds. For her respite residential stays I have just not mentioned them in advance or even on the drive to the respite centre. If I had I would just have had to repeat myself several times and she still would not have taken it in. I have found it better just to drop her off, make sure that the staff keep her occupied and then leave her suitcase with the receptionist. This seems to have worked well and there have been no recriminations at the end of the stay.
     
  7. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    18,887
    Male
    North Manchester
    Depending on mum's cognition, a ploy that may work is to organise some care through SS and then tell her about the new government initiative of providing a FREE week's holiday.
     
  8. Lindie16

    Lindie16 Registered User

    Nov 25, 2018
    37
    Thank you
     
  9. Lindie16

    Lindie16 Registered User

    Nov 25, 2018
    37
    Thanks for your advice. I am going to look around a respite care home tomorrow. Really appreciate you taking the time to respond
     
  10. Lindie16

    Lindie16 Registered User

    Nov 25, 2018
    37
    Thanks for your advice. I am going to look around a respite care home tomorrow. Really appreciate you taking the time to respond x
     
  11. Lindie16

    Lindie16 Registered User

    Nov 25, 2018
    37
    Thanks for your advice. I am going to look around a respite care home tomorrow. Really appreciate you taking the time to respond x
     

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