Rollercoaster of emotions!!!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by ELL, Jan 9, 2007.

  1. ELL

    ELL Registered User

    Mar 30, 2006
    5
    cheshire
    #1 ELL, Jan 9, 2007
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2007
    First of all i would like to thank the manager from I.T. department for contacting me to help me post a message on T.P.

    My emotions are on that rollercoaster again.. it's a long time since i have allowed myself to go deep into them.. My mum has had alzheimers for roughly about nine years now.. she is 76.. Christmas time is always the worst.... My mum lives in a care home in scotland.. she has been in it for 18 months now... Her sister and son live in her area.. and another son in the herford area... i live in cheshire. but i have been her sole carer organising every-thing.. i kept her in her own home for as long as i could with private carers and other alzheimers and dementia organisations but the time came when it was not safe for her any-more. Although i wasn,t living in the area, i managed to control every-thing by telephone and also i visit every month or sometimes every fortnight. The home she is in has been opened 2 years it looks nice and has great food but it always has a shortage of staff... not the ratio of staff that i was told it would be... My mum has a great personality and she is well liked as she never complains.. it's me that is always complaining... there is no time for any stimulation for the residents and how i hate seeing them all just vegetating in a chair.. my mums incontinence is really bad due to the carers not taking her to the toilet so she soils herself all the time.. then she trys to hide her sanitary wear in the wardrobe because she is embarassed. My brother visits her when he is chased to do it which is probably every fortnight or 3 weeks.. I have had many disagreements with the care staff, when she is in some-one elses clothes.. or she has no tights on.. she is always losing her glasses.. now its her teeth... I didn't vsit her this christmas as i new my brother would be visiting her before he went to Australia for 6 weeks. i think he visited her for ten minutes.... i should be gratefull but i experienced the anger again when i discovered that my mums christmas presents were still sitting on top of her wardrobe on the 29th when i visited her. I had been up 2 weeks before christmas and asked the carers to help her open them or i thought my brother would have done it for her...When i visit i usually sit in the day room with my mother and the other residents.. which we all enjoy as the residents love having some-one to talk to.. some-times we get a sing song going and i enjoy listening to all the different life stories that these elderly people all have some-thing to say. I came back from Scotland on the 2nd but i am going up to-day again as my heart is broken again at the moment as i hate the thought of my mum not having any visitors and also i have another big descision to make with my mums care home which is a private one and costs £5oo a week.. The home also has been bought over by another company but the same management team run it and as far as i am concerned if they don't have the ratio of staff the care will never improve... now i am thinking i will move her down to where i live which will help me to ensure she is getting the proper care she deserves and i can visit regulary and bring her to my house occassionally as at the moment she is still mobile but i don't know if the move would be too much for her.... I don't have any trust with the home as they have told me blatant lies in the past.... I just needed a rant on T.P as reading all the messages you realise we are all in this horrible illness to-gether and how it takes you on the ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTIONS. I know i will get over this stage again as after nine years of alzheimers there has been many different stages that i have gone through. The guilt monster and the angry monster will dissappear once more and then i will be able to make the descison whats best for my mum and also myself as it is me who has accepted and experienced alzheimers. Hopefully after this trip my gut feelings will kick in and i will be able to make a descision thats right for the both of us.

    Just another road to take on the journey of alzheimers..

    Love hope and faith to you all.

    ELL
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,559
    Kent
    Dear Ell, I do hope you can move your mother to a home nearer to you.
    A friend of mine who lived in Cheshire, visited her mother in the Lake District every fortnight, and found it exhausting. You have even further to go. My friend had every confidence in her mother`s home, you are very unhappy with your mother`s home. The stress must be unbearable.
    I think it would be a really good decision to have your mother nearer to you.
    Good luck. I hope you manage it.
     
  3. ELL

    ELL Registered User

    Mar 30, 2006
    5
    cheshire
    Thankyou Grannie G

    Just needed to hear some sense and understanding from some-one who has experienced the stress that comes with caring for some-one with alzheimers.:)
     
  4. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi Ell
    I think for your own peace of mind it would be better to move your mum closer to you. That way you can always pop in whenever you can to discuss things face to face.....
    Apart from that it would be a whole lot less exhausting for you if mum was nearby.......
    Love
     
  5. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,439
    Dear Ell, it really does sound as if you're are in an unworkable situation - simply the financial cost of visiting must be difficult to handle, let alone the physical toll it must be inflicting on you. I think you're right - if they can't attract or keep staff there may be underlying problems that will spill over and affect your mother's care. So, lots of good reasons to move her. Having said that, I did want to warn you that some of the things you mention may not be solved by a move. Lost possesions seem to go with the territory when you're talking about a group of dementia sufferers - it's not simply that staff can't be bothered to keep track of the the stuff (although that may be the case) but that it may not be possible to do so: many AD sufferes "squirrel" their own things away, while others seem to have a compulsion to take and hide everyone else's as well. The hiding of soiled underwear may be part and parcel of that - other posters have found the same thing hapening even in a one on one care situation. As she is in Scotland, does she not get the "care allowance" or whatever it is called? I ask, because, depending on your location, £500 seems quite low for self-funded EMI residential care.

    Just some things to be aware of when you go looking for a new placement for your mother.

    Jennifer
     
  6. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    542
    Dear Ell
    I've sent you a PM.
     
  7. Stimpfig

    Stimpfig Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005
    135
    Germany/India
    Dear ELL

    You have coped with it all for nine years, yet it hits you like new each time and you have to tackle it all afresh. Now that I have just admitted mum to a home (8th day today), with a private nurse, I am beginning to experience the same things other posters have mentioned before. It seems like I am required to 'lower' my levels of expectations which I am finding very hard to do - we all want the best care for our loved ones but I suppose no one else is going to give the 100 percent that we as caring family members can give.

    I do agree with Jennifer that a move might not always solve a problem. I have come to accept that there will always be problems and you have to CHOOSE the problem, not the home.

    Take care, ELL, and as always, this too will pass.
     
  8. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Ell

    One of the areas I was advised to look at when finding a care home for mum was staff retention.............. if people dont want to work there, or stay working there..........why?? I always think that in any business the 'culture' they have starts at the top, and if the managment dont give a dam............well:eek:

    Sadly in life there are good and bad in everything, it sounds as if mum is not getting the best care available, and in these circumstances you can only vote with your feet.

    I moved mum near to me, where as I used to have to travel 45 minutes to an hour each way, she is now 10 minutes down the road, makes life much easier, and to be honest, now that she has settled, she keep saying to me 'of course your just down the road now', (big smile from mum) so obviously she feels much happier about this too.

    Ell I would go with my gut feeling 100% if I were you, take your time though and find somewhere really worthy of looking after your mum. I would also follow Jennifers advice on the funding aspect, I understand it's slightly different in Scotland.

    Good luck in your quest in finding a new home if thats what you decide, and let us know how you are getting along.

    Cate
     

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