We have two sons. So proud of them. But now our need is at its greatest we get nothing from either. No contact. How long does it take for quick e mail.Most of the time I don't even know where they and their wives and our grandchildren are. I cannot understand what we have done that they think so little of us. My heart is breaking because they don't seem to care. I think having daughters is probably best. But it wasn't to be for us.I'm sorry I shouldn't be going on about this on TP. You all have so much to deal with. I'm sorry. xx
Rockbottom
- Thread starter Casbow
- Start date
Casbow, I have been following your threads and comments for others, and I have heartfelt concern for *you*.
Having children is no guarantee that care will come from them. Of my mother's four daughters, I was the one able and willing to have her live with me. Each of the others found excuses, and two of the three recommended care homes. People find all kinds of excuses to be unavailable. And, truly, sometimes they are just not up to facing the inconsistency, stress, and emotional onslaught that care brings.
It seems to me you do need help, and if you feel abandoned by your sons, you need to contact your GP and others to ask for assistance. I'm unsure you are going to be able to keep your OH at home by yourself, Casbow. Were it me and my OH was in such a situation, I don't think I could keep him here - and here I am taking care of my mother! Sometimes we just have to say "I can't do this any more, please send me a lifeline because I'm drowning."
I'm so sorry about the situation you are in. If I lived near you, I'd try to help, but there's an ocean between us.
I hope some others come along and talk about how the kids don't help. I have had my own threads about how my sisters haven't help and how this makes me feel forlorn and abandoned by them.
Having children is no guarantee that care will come from them. Of my mother's four daughters, I was the one able and willing to have her live with me. Each of the others found excuses, and two of the three recommended care homes. People find all kinds of excuses to be unavailable. And, truly, sometimes they are just not up to facing the inconsistency, stress, and emotional onslaught that care brings.
It seems to me you do need help, and if you feel abandoned by your sons, you need to contact your GP and others to ask for assistance. I'm unsure you are going to be able to keep your OH at home by yourself, Casbow. Were it me and my OH was in such a situation, I don't think I could keep him here - and here I am taking care of my mother! Sometimes we just have to say "I can't do this any more, please send me a lifeline because I'm drowning."
I'm so sorry about the situation you are in. If I lived near you, I'd try to help, but there's an ocean between us.
I hope some others come along and talk about how the kids don't help. I have had my own threads about how my sisters haven't help and how this makes me feel forlorn and abandoned by them.
Hello Casbow, You are not going on !! And this is exactly what TP is here for !!
I very much doubt you have done anything to cause this . It may be they just have their heads buried in the sand and don't realise how things are for you, perhaps they need a little reminder.
I hope they realise and come to their senses soon.
Sending you love and (((((((HUGS))))))
Cas you are exhausted and you need some help. It seemed as though you were going to get some help but......sometimes it is too long coming.
Can I suggest that you get on the phone to the sons and tell them that you need them. I think sometimes kids (grown up and otherwise) actually don't realise. They get so caught up in their lives (understandably) that they really really don't know. Let's be honest none of us knew where this journey was going to take us and I'm not sure, even with my background in healthcare and charities, that I really understood what it is like until I was in the middle of it.
YOU need to tell them that you need them and that you need their support. It's their turn to hold your hand for while - I hope that they will come up trumps, my bet is that they will if you ask you help but I could be wrong - my faith in human nature has been known to be a big FAIL but I hope not this time but they need to know that you and Dad need them. xxx
Can I suggest that you get on the phone to the sons and tell them that you need them. I think sometimes kids (grown up and otherwise) actually don't realise. They get so caught up in their lives (understandably) that they really really don't know. Let's be honest none of us knew where this journey was going to take us and I'm not sure, even with my background in healthcare and charities, that I really understood what it is like until I was in the middle of it.
YOU need to tell them that you need them and that you need their support. It's their turn to hold your hand for while - I hope that they will come up trumps, my bet is that they will if you ask you help but I could be wrong - my faith in human nature has been known to be a big FAIL but I hope not this time but they need to know that you and Dad need them. xxx
I do so feel for you Casbow, you're having such a hard time. I can only agree with the wise words from CJ and Lin. It sounds as though you are really getting to the end of your tether. I can only send you love and a big hug, and hope you can get the help you so desperately need.
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Hello Casbow. Sorry to see how down you are. I don't think you should worry about why your sons are acting like this. The fact is they are, and only they can do something about it. I can understand your comment about daughters. However, I have absolutely no help from my sister with my mum, and my mum had given her practical and financial help all her life until she was no longer to do so. I never had this type of help, but I'm the one doing the hard work. My son, on the other hand, who is pretty useless 
when it comes to practicalities, and also showing his emotions to me, is someone who I know would be there in a heartbeat to give me the hand-holding and the hug that I need on the rare occasions I can't control how I'm feeling.
Do your sons actually know how much you're struggling? I think it's natural as a mother to try and hide your stresses from your children, because you don't want to burden them. Both my mum and my sister have been very good at using me as a sounding board for their problems, which meant that I was always reluctant to talk about any of my issues, because I felt they had enough troubles of their own. However, I know now that this led to me not reaching out when I really needed help.
when it comes to practicalities, and also showing his emotions to me, is someone who I know would be there in a heartbeat to give me the hand-holding and the hug that I need on the rare occasions I can't control how I'm feeling.Do your sons actually know how much you're struggling? I think it's natural as a mother to try and hide your stresses from your children, because you don't want to burden them. Both my mum and my sister have been very good at using me as a sounding board for their problems, which meant that I was always reluctant to talk about any of my issues, because I felt they had enough troubles of their own. However, I know now that this led to me not reaching out when I really needed help.
Dear Cas
I sit here in tears as I know the torment you are going thru, my wife was diagnosed recently and its family that tend to cause the most upset sadly. She has 2 sisters and a brother but at this time I am really only in contact with one sister as the others thru no fault of theirs lead lives which means they are like most people these days in their own worlds, this much vaunted digital age seems to mean less actual contact nowadays and we'll be lucky if we get a phone call twice a year from the brother. Their is no blame to be placed on him though he has his own family with his own cares to consider and like my father who thankfully has come round and supports us he too tried to blinker it as if it hasn't happened.
I wish I could say talk to them and make them understand as I have done but even then you may still feel heartbroken with the reaction.
They will care its just they will not know how to show it or do anything as they are probably feeling just as helpless as you are, most folks I do bump into and ask me if its true usually tend to treat my wife like an invalid as they don't have a clue what the condition actually means in real terms.
I know these words won't help at all but you are not alone I am now having to cope with a major life changer and believe me there are days when I think what on earth did "I" do to deserve this but then its not about me at all.
Baz
I sit here in tears as I know the torment you are going thru, my wife was diagnosed recently and its family that tend to cause the most upset sadly. She has 2 sisters and a brother but at this time I am really only in contact with one sister as the others thru no fault of theirs lead lives which means they are like most people these days in their own worlds, this much vaunted digital age seems to mean less actual contact nowadays and we'll be lucky if we get a phone call twice a year from the brother. Their is no blame to be placed on him though he has his own family with his own cares to consider and like my father who thankfully has come round and supports us he too tried to blinker it as if it hasn't happened.
I wish I could say talk to them and make them understand as I have done but even then you may still feel heartbroken with the reaction.
They will care its just they will not know how to show it or do anything as they are probably feeling just as helpless as you are, most folks I do bump into and ask me if its true usually tend to treat my wife like an invalid as they don't have a clue what the condition actually means in real terms.
I know these words won't help at all but you are not alone I am now having to cope with a major life changer and believe me there are days when I think what on earth did "I" do to deserve this but then its not about me at all.
Baz
Oh dear you sound so down and tired, you do need help.
Have you tried contacting sons to tell them how you feel and that you need help.
I have two older brothers who don't seem to know how to deal with dad ,Heads in sand , mum originally asked them if they minded me being POA , they didn't mind at all , probably so they don't need to get involved. They don't ring daily like I do to check she is ok and see how dad is. Yes i could do the same as them but that isn't me. Mum wasn't telling me how she felt , she was bottling it in , saying all was fine ...it wasn't until she broke down at a group meet that she opened up more.
Try contacting them , they may just be oblivious . If they know then you've put the ball in their court .
TP is here for you , xxxx K
Have you tried contacting sons to tell them how you feel and that you need help.
I have two older brothers who don't seem to know how to deal with dad ,Heads in sand , mum originally asked them if they minded me being POA , they didn't mind at all , probably so they don't need to get involved. They don't ring daily like I do to check she is ok and see how dad is. Yes i could do the same as them but that isn't me. Mum wasn't telling me how she felt , she was bottling it in , saying all was fine ...it wasn't until she broke down at a group meet that she opened up more.
Try contacting them , they may just be oblivious . If they know then you've put the ball in their court .
TP is here for you , xxxx K
I am so very sorry that you are going through such a hard time. What makes it harder is that the ones that we expect to care, don't. It's no help to you, I know, but my son is 6000 miles away in the USA, and my daughter is 5 minutes drive away.
My son Skypes me every week, and my daughter has had no contact with me for 4 months, and I still don't know what I did wrong. I spent my first Christmas as a widow on my own. Friends invited me, but it's only family you want to be with.
So whether you have sons or daughters it's no guarantee that they'll care. Before John died, I found that friends we'd had for decades, drifted away, but turned up "to pay our respects" at his funeral. I referred to them in my mind, as The Ghosts.
Since then, the ghosts haven't even bothered to phone in over year. I sympathise with you so much, because all it takes is a phone call now and then, just so you know you're not going through it all, single handedly. That's why TP is such a wonderful place, because at least, here, everyone understands.
Sending you a huge cyber hug and lots of love. xx
Hi Casbow,
I have two sons and have always had in mind "A daughter's a daughter for the rest of your life, a son is a son 'til he takes a wife".
And like you I'm extremely proud of the lives they have made for themselves. However, a few years ago the lack of contact from one son really got to me and I wrote to him. He arrived within hours of receiving the letter, flowers, apologies, etc. Of course, I felt guilty for making him feel bad.
Now OH has Alzheimer's, I really don't want to trouble them more than necessary, they have their lives and families. But they want to help but don't know what is needed. Daughter-in-law was telling me about an idea one son had of taking dad away for a boy's weekend (like they do nowadays) and I had to explain that it wouldn't work. What he needs is a couple of hours of socialising, watching football or playing a few rounds of golf, then back to own home/bed.
As others have said I think you need to tell your sons how you feel and more specifically exactly what help you need, activity and time. i.e. Can you sit with dad for two hours while I go ....
One way I do have contact with my sons is through Facebook and Twitter. Some photos of the grandchildren only I can see and I know they are thinking of us when they post them. As you say we do like to know where they are and what they are doing and I hope they understand now that we don't want or need to be included in every activity, especially the noisy, wet, cold ones.
Hope you are feeling a little better after reading these responses.
I have two sons and have always had in mind "A daughter's a daughter for the rest of your life, a son is a son 'til he takes a wife".
And like you I'm extremely proud of the lives they have made for themselves. However, a few years ago the lack of contact from one son really got to me and I wrote to him. He arrived within hours of receiving the letter, flowers, apologies, etc. Of course, I felt guilty for making him feel bad.
Now OH has Alzheimer's, I really don't want to trouble them more than necessary, they have their lives and families. But they want to help but don't know what is needed. Daughter-in-law was telling me about an idea one son had of taking dad away for a boy's weekend (like they do nowadays) and I had to explain that it wouldn't work. What he needs is a couple of hours of socialising, watching football or playing a few rounds of golf, then back to own home/bed.
As others have said I think you need to tell your sons how you feel and more specifically exactly what help you need, activity and time. i.e. Can you sit with dad for two hours while I go ....
One way I do have contact with my sons is through Facebook and Twitter. Some photos of the grandchildren only I can see and I know they are thinking of us when they post them. As you say we do like to know where they are and what they are doing and I hope they understand now that we don't want or need to be included in every activity, especially the noisy, wet, cold ones.
Hope you are feeling a little better after reading these responses.
I have two sons and one daughter, and, well in my own experience, my daughter seems to just "know" what I need and how to help/make me feel better, but the boys don't have that insight, they need spoon-feeding and direction, and then they're here like a heartbeat (exactly the same with my husband actually, who is "very male" in that regard, he is "proud at his lack of feminine side!"
I think it's the men are from Mars women are from venus thing ..... in my own experience.
I think it's the men are from Mars women are from venus thing ..... in my own experience.
I have two sons, a nephew and a step son who are my rocks. An older step son who thinks he thinks he is the man of the house (now that his dad is not well, in his dreams I am man and woman of my castle) and has not been there during our dark days a phone call or text every other week and s step daughter who came out the wood work about 6 months ago (although she is trying very hard its all abit too late as her dad does not acknowledge her. Everyone wants to be part of a family when it suits them but not everyone is cut out for the tough days. Although I never close my door to anyone I too have noticed the lack of visitors. My boys have said when dad goes his funeral will be by invitation only, only the the people who bothered to show and act upon coming to see how dad and we were coping will be welcome no one else, I agree with them but don't know if I could do that, life is so busy we all make excuses for not having time even to make the call. My brother in law rang this afternoon and complained about not being kept up to date on his brother condition (last text from him was on xmas day to which I replied) I apologised for not ringing him and then asked if he was sick and he replied no so I told him I had no worried about him whereas his brother was and he should ring me ( am I correct in expecting people to ring me or am I making excuses for not ring them) Its a tough one.......
Oh Keegan, I so agree with you. People just disappear. One of my heartbreaks is OH family won't do anything to help. A sister calls an odd time when it suits her and drives me up the walls. His brother lives up the road from us and we never see him.i heard recently that he told another neighbour of hours that T (OH) would not recognise anyone. I informed neighbour that I was surprised how he knew that as we haven't seen him in two years! That should put the "cat among the pigeons"! I don't care anymore. Am sick of it all.
Regarding funerals. Your son has the same idea as me. If OH died before me, they would all arrive weeping.
Am rambling. My apologies.
Sending huge hugs.
Aisling
Oh casbow , I have sons too and what you are saying resonates with me. However sometimes it's not meant to be bad . Older son has more understanding but younger one seems to get on with his life and don't bother much. After speaking with him he said mum, it's not that I don't care it's just that I don't know What to say . He finds it all extremely difficult . Sons tend to keep their feeling in and find talking about it very difficult. Warmest understanding hugs , Chick xxxx
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A recurring theme here is they have busy live, lives of their own,do care but don't know how to show it We make excuses for our children, but we also don't ask for help.I eventually asked them for their support and totals some time out for me and their dad.They think we are strong and just get on with it as we always have.
II must say both my daughter 26, full time job and20 miles away has been a great support inso many ways as has her fiancée, who is not comfortable with it but he will talk to my oh for hours My son too 24 full time management job and running a100 acre cattle farm, is calling in the evenings , even bringing his own food to cook,first time he did this he said,I was about to cook it at home but thought I would cook it here for the company. Last night it was a MacDonald's he was taking home but came here instead.He calls in with his dog whomhis dad adores all sorts of random acts of kindness really. He has really stepped up , it took some time,but he has. But they should we have always supported them, now it's there turn, we need the help and support now. I'm only 57 but I need them to care now , and they do.
II must say both my daughter 26, full time job and20 miles away has been a great support inso many ways as has her fiancée, who is not comfortable with it but he will talk to my oh for hours My son too 24 full time management job and running a100 acre cattle farm, is calling in the evenings , even bringing his own food to cook,first time he did this he said,I was about to cook it at home but thought I would cook it here for the company. Last night it was a MacDonald's he was taking home but came here instead.He calls in with his dog whomhis dad adores all sorts of random acts of kindness really. He has really stepped up , it took some time,but he has. But they should we have always supported them, now it's there turn, we need the help and support now. I'm only 57 but I need them to care now , and they do.
I wanted to say a big thankyou to everyone who wrote messages to me after my post on TP. You are all amazing and so kind and everyone of you made me realise that my problems are not so different to everyone elses. Since my Rockbottom post there were several e mails back and forth from youngest son not very friendly most of them but I excuse him because he suffers severe depression and is very much up and down. Our eldest son had got pneumonia (which he hadn't told me) and still could be unwell for another 10 weeks. He also lives much further away so has to arrange to visit us. (Make sure we haven't gone to the Maldives !!! So at the moment things have settled a bit. I have different problems with hubby now. Toilet problems !!! Tried to go shopping today but just grabbed a bottle of wine and brought him home. He will not use public loos. Now he says he is frightened I won 't be there when he comes out. I can 't go when we are out as he is never there when I come back. So I have to go look for him. There are other things as well which may mean a doctor visit again. Love to all.xx
