Rock Bottom

Wifenotcarer

Registered User
Mar 11, 2018
267
Central Scotland
Not quite 48 hours home and last night I lost it big time, with him, life. the Universe and principally myself for my weakness in the face of adversity. He was following me around everywhere, would not sit still for 2 minutes and, in spite of ensuring that he had been to the toilet in advance, managed to wet and mess himself just as I served up a lovely home cooked meal. Somehow, the meals lost their appeal - cold and in one case bearing a strong resemblance to the mess I had just cleaned up :(

However, he has of course, forgotten last night's shouting match. All is calm, he is up, toiletted, fed, washed and dressed. I can 'keep the heid' knowing he will be collected soon for day care.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,387
Kent
my weakness in the face of adversity.
I wouldn`t put it as bluntly as that @Wifenotcarer. Exhaustion in the face of challenges might be more accurate.

We can all be clever and self critical after the event but at the time it all becomes too much and yours was a human reaction.

Please try to get as much help and support as you possibly can.
 

Wifenotcarer

Registered User
Mar 11, 2018
267
Central Scotland
I wouldn`t put it as bluntly as that @Wifenotcarer. Exhaustion in the face of challenges might be more accurate.

We can all be clever and self critical after the event but at the time it all becomes too much and yours was a human reaction.
Please try to get as much help and support as you possibly can.
I'm afraid that help and support is thin on the ground - that is part of the frustration. We were promised a carer starting on Tuesday at 9.00am to get OH up, washed and dressed, but this has been put back until Friday at 8.00am (far too early in my opinion) and the person will not be a carer as such, but rather a 're-enabler' usually sent short term for people recovering from an operation. It is now over a year since we were assessed as needing 2 days per week of Day Care but OH has only ever had one day a week. We were told that the policy of the Day Care Centre was to try to give everyone referred one day rather than have some people get 2 or 3 while others had none. However today, OH's volunteer 'Buddy' who accompanies him to Day Care told us that there are some people who attend 3 or 4 days per week.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,387
Kent
However today, OH's volunteer 'Buddy' who accompanies him to Day Care told us that there are some people who attend 3 or 4 days per week.
I sympathise.

In spite of all the publicity care provision seems to be going from bad to worse.

My neighbour has cancelled her carers because they came at 12.30pm to help her husband dress and 5.30pm to prepare him for bed. He is Type 1 diabetic and needs regular mealtimes and his wife is hovering over the cooker not knowing whether to serve dinner or not.
 

christmas

Registered User
Apr 27, 2014
206
Leicestershire
I sympathise.

In spite of all the publicity care provision seems to be going from bad to worse.

My neighbour has cancelled her carers because they came at 12.30pm to help her husband dress and 5.30pm to prepare him for bed. He is Type 1 diabetic and needs regular mealtimes and his wife is hovering over the cooker not knowing whether to serve dinner or not.
 

christmas

Registered User
Apr 27, 2014
206
Leicestershire
Hi I know what it's like I looked after my husband for 6years on my own I got know help , I thought I was doing really well with it all ,then I suddenly started shouting at him it made me so upset that I had lost it with him ,because it wasn't his fault ,it got so bad I was crying for help but know one came ,I phone everyone who they told me to but nothing , they just passed me on somewhere else . The lady from the memory clinic pop in to see me and seen I was having a break down and sorted it out for me . My husband is now in a home and it broke my heart to do it but the doctor said I could not look after him anymore , he has been in the home 15 month's now , I still cry because I miss him so bad but I know it was the best thing I could do for him he seem so much happier now and I visit everyday , he does not know who I am and cannot talk but I love sitting with him now because I am not stressed just very lonely , but in the end we have to do what is best for them know matter how much it hurts hugs to you Christmas xxxx
 

Wifenotcarer

Registered User
Mar 11, 2018
267
Central Scotland
(((Hugs))) to you too Christmas. It must be a comfort for you to see your OH happier and comfortable and for you to be able to see him as often as you want. This is what I hope to achieve for my OH but there is a long road, full of obstacles, to negotiate before we get there.
 

Wifenotcarer

Registered User
Mar 11, 2018
267
Central Scotland
(((Hugs))) to you too Christmas. It must be a comfort for you to see your OH happier and comfortable and for you to be able to see him as often as you want. This is what I hope to achieve for my OH but there is a long road, full of obstacles, to negotiate before we get there.
Got the call I have been waiting for from Social Worker today. It started off fairly positive in that OH's assessment which (states that he needs 1/1 care 24/7 and that this can only be met via a placement in residential care) has been completed and is now with the senior care manager for rubber stamping.

Then the blow which knocked me sideways - The 'just up the road' lovely care home where my Uncle was so happy, which SW assured me last week would remain in use for at least two years, IS to close shortly and consequently they are not taking any new residents. This will leave no residential care places available locally for the foreseeable future and 40 current residents in the home that is closing who will need to be found places elsewhere. Meantime, our only hope is for a placement in a neighbouring County 30 minutes away by car, 45 minutes + a long walk by bus.

My dream of having OH comfortably settled before I crack-up completely, 5 minutes away from home in a place I know well, with easy access for visiting by me, the family and our neighbours/friends, shattered in one phone call. SW is coming here to discuss other options next week, but I cannot envisage anything suitable being offered and am minded to tell them to leave us alone and soldier on at home rather than accept 2nd, 3rd or 4th best.

*Sweary Word + even worse Sweary Word, Austerity and Council Budget cutbacks. If the powers that be could see the heartache they cause to families with their policy decisions they would surely.......?????. No they wouldn't, they are All Right Jack with their goldplated pensions and private health and care provision.
 

Wifenotcarer

Registered User
Mar 11, 2018
267
Central Scotland
Thats a bummer @Wifenotcarer
You may find that another firm takes over the local care home. The place that OH went to for respite has recently taken over another well known chain.
Sadly that will not be the case here. Local Authority have done their sums and apparently it will work out cheaper to demolish the care home and build a new one elsewhere, than to bring the existing one up to modern standards. This will also free up the current CH site which will be sold/zoned for retirement bungalows.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,638
I am so sorry, it is everyone's fear. I mentioned respite two miles away as I need it. I was offered 50 miles away. I turned that down so I muddle along. Today I was exhausted and we slept in our chairs side by side.
I think the fear of settling someone then to have to move is really cruel. No understanding that moves upset people who are trying to make sense of a new world.
 

Wifenotcarer

Registered User
Mar 11, 2018
267
Central Scotland
A sleepless night for me, with the brain racing, desperately trying to find another way forward. I feel I have lost control of the situation - am rudderless in a stormy sea, buffeted about by the whims of the powers that be. They tell me that all their decisions are taken with OH's Best Interests to the fore - the reality is that they are trying to squeeze him into a pre set care plan which in no way meets his specific needs (nor mine) because it is all they have to offer.

SW yesterday, strongly advised (told?) me not to start looking at alternative care homes myself. She will review what is available (or is it what they are prepared to fund?) and tell me the options next week. As I said, I have no control over our future. I thought that I could find an acceptable care home and, without SW support, fund it ourselves for two years until our savings are all spent, but no, the private care homes want a guarantee that there is funding available ad infinitum, whether from your own income or via SW.

I know I cannot carry on as sole carer, now that there is no acceptable end in sight, but cannot see a way forward, other than something drastic.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,285
North West
I have just read your thread from start to your last posts. I am now at the start of a similar journey, having just recently got SS involved. I care for my mum in a rural part of Cheshire I am still waiting for SS to find a POC. In the meantime I have been scrutinised over mum's finances to the point they received a very direct and polite response from me which I won't repeat here to back off -this appeared to have some effect.

I have very quickly come to the conclusion about our SS only after a short amount of time of being in contact with them that they are strapped for cash and the people who hold the purse strings have become blind to their responsibilities. I feel for you having persevered for so long and with little constructive or useful help, I fear my journey will be the same as yours. Recently I have been hospititalised myself as a result of stress of caring for mum and working full-time. My last episode was due to being in SVT for which I had to have electrical cardioversion (a shock). The consultants have said it is all stress related. I have relayed this to SS that the situationis beginning to affect my health and seriously. They respond by actually ignoring what I have said to them , its as if I only exist when finances arise. We are still waiting for a package of care, in the meantime I have to leave mum alone while I am work, which is a 12.5 hr shift three days a week. I am convinced they will only do something when things get to a crisis and I am powerless to influence this situation even after writing to my local MP.

I wish you well Wifenotcarer, keep us posted on things -I am new to this so I would be interested to see how you get on and also how you are coping.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,322
South coast
Yes @Palerider I think you are unfortunately right about SS and the Local Authority being so strapped for cash that they will only intervene when there is a crisis. I hope your care package materialises soon
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,285
North West
Yes @Palerider I think you are unfortunately right about SS and the Local Authority being so strapped for cash that they will only intervene when there is a crisis. I hope your care package materialises soon
Hi Canary

If I have to instruct a solicitor who specialises in this I will do, they are blatently discrminating. I know its not the social workers, but the system itself which needs to change and quickly. We need to come up with a better way of caring for our elderly, whether they have dementia or not. I have to be careful I don't start ranting about it -gets me so angry lol
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,387
Kent
Thank you, more rested today. It has been quite a week. Hope you are feeling brighter. Xxx
Glad you feel more rested. It takes a while to recover from demanding weeks.

I`m not bad at all today Alice thank you.

I helped at a Boot Sale this morning at my friend`s church and tomorrow I`m going to listen to Terry Waite talk about his time in captivity.

I`m grateful to be able to get out and to have somewhere to get out to.