Rispiridine

yak55

Registered User
Jun 15, 2015
616
Rispiridine has calmed Mum greatly. It has helped a lot with the sleeping problems she had.
We are still planning for her to go into a care home when a room becomes available but I feel so bad about it and I know I shouldn't but I'll live with the guilt of doing it for the rest of my days, it's so sad.
As I type Mum is up and walking about, I feel like there is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode, no way can I relax, I feel drained.
I think anyone who can look after their loved one in their home forever, come what may, must be a better person than me.
I often wonder if it's a different feeling if it's your other half you are caring for, I think it must be although I have no experience of this.
Is it?
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,080
N Ireland
I care for my wife and I'm determined to keep her with me as long as possible. However, it's a truth that everyone has a limit to what they can do in the home so know that one day I may face the same decision as you. I just hope that if that day ever comes I will be comforted by the thought that my wife will be better somewhere where she can get a level of care that I can't provide, even with assistance, in her own home.

I wish you strength.
 

Lavender45

Registered User
Jun 7, 2015
1,598
Liverpool
Oh Yak55 please try not to feel this way.

I think anyone who can look after their loved one in their home forever, come what may, must be a better person than me.
Everyone's journey be it having dementia or caring for a person with dementia is unique. Yes there are certain similarities, but so much more is thrown into the mix that comparisons don't help, but can make you feel down and sometimes even inadequate which I am certain you are not.

If I made a comparison with my caring situation and others it would go like this:

I was such a rotten carer that mum kept getting aggressive and violent and had to be sectioned and go into a challenging behaviour home. If I'd done a better job of caring she'd have been calmer and still at home with me. How bad a carer was I!

If I truly made comparisons and felt that way I would be huddled in a dark corner. The reality is I did what I could every day to please mum, or maybe I mean appease her! Mum's dementia made her aggressive, violent and a prolific daytime wanderer. The greatest blessing was she mostly slept through at night and still does. The situation was what it was and I coped as best I could and then made some tough, but right choices for mum to keep everyone concerned safe.

We do what we can for as long as we can and ultimately for many of us the best we can sometimes has to mean a team of carers in a care setting. X
 

father ted

Registered User
Aug 16, 2010
694
London
Hi yak55,
I am not tech savvy enough to know how to copy and paste on my new IPad but wanted to say I posted a thread on a very similar theme sometime ago in essence saying that we all read on here all the things people are contending with which seemed far more than I was dealing with at the time but I still couldn't cope. I asked why was it that I couldn't manage. Was I weak, did I not love enough and I suspected that if another poster stepped into my shoes they would be able to do it far more easily.

All nonsense I now realise. As others have said each situation is unique. We do everything we can do but eventually it takes all you have and more. Don't feel defeated, feel proud you have managed for so long. Even once your loved one is in a care home the caring goes on. You will still be the primary person who visits and addresses any issues that arise but you won't have the 24/7 workload you had before. You will have time to give to your other nearest and dearest and also for yourself just the little indulgence of meeting someone for a cuppa or going shopping and not having to dash back home mean't so much to me.
You've done and will continue to do a good job but now it will be shared. Good Luck.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,338
Rispiridine has calmed Mum greatly. It has helped a lot with the sleeping problems she had.
We are still planning for her to go into a care home when a room becomes available but I feel so bad about it and I know I shouldn't but I'll live with the guilt of doing it for the rest of my days, it's so sad.
As I type Mum is up and walking about, I feel like there is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode, no way can I relax, I feel drained.
I think anyone who can look after their loved one in their home forever, come what may, must be a better person than me.
I often wonder if it's a different feeling if it's your other half you are caring for, I think it must be although I have no experience of this.
Is it?
Oh my dear, we are not superhuman. I felt like you about looking after my OH at home, but suffered what they nicely call a carer breakdown and the SW in the hospital signed a best interest statement against me looking after him 24/7 any more. Every day had become torment. I was broken physically and mentally. Please do not let this happen to you, it is no good for anyone. When you realise that your mum is looked after, safe and happy in her care home, I think the guilt will go. With dementia it is almost impossible to do the right thing, as it were. Whatever we do will feel wrong. Thank you for posting.
 

yak55

Registered User
Jun 15, 2015
616
I care for my wife and I'm determined to keep her with me as long as possible. However, it's a truth that everyone has a limit to what they can do in the home so know that one day I may face the same decision as you. I just hope that if that day ever comes I will be comforted by the thought that my wife will be better somewhere where she can get a level of care that I can't provide, even with assistance, in her own home.

I wish you strength.
Thank you x
 

yak55

Registered User
Jun 15, 2015
616
Oh Yak55 please try not to feel this way.



Everyone's journey be it having dementia or caring for a person with dementia is unique. Yes there are certain similarities, but so much more is thrown into the mix that comparisons don't help, but can make you feel down and sometimes even inadequate which I am certain you are not.

If I made a comparison with my caring situation and others it would go like this:

I was such a rotten carer that mum kept getting aggressive and violent and had to be sectioned and go into a challenging behaviour home. If I'd done a better job of caring she'd have been calmer and still at home with me. How bad a carer was I!

If I truly made comparisons and felt that way I would be huddled in a dark corner. The reality is I did what I could every day to please mum, or maybe I mean appease her! Mum's dementia made her aggressive, violent and a prolific daytime wanderer. The greatest blessing was she mostly slept through at night and still does. The situation was what it was and I coped as best I could and then made some tough, but right choices for mum to keep everyone concerned safe.

We do what we can for as long as we can and ultimately for many of us the best we can sometimes has to mean a team of carers in a care setting. X
X
 

yak55

Registered User
Jun 15, 2015
616
Dear @yak55. As Lavender45 has said, please do not think you are less of a person because your Mum's needs have become more than you can manage. It is not a case of being a good or bad person, only whether it is humanly possible for one person to provide the care that a progressive illness like dementia requires. Often, it is not possible. Yes, it is hearbreakingly sad but it is not your fault. The fault lies with the illness and not you. Nothing and I mean nothing you do can or will make her well again or even halt the progression of the disease. You are judging yourself and finding yourself wanting in a situation that is in truth, completely out of your control. My own Mum went in to residential care a couple of months ago after I have cared for her 24/7 for nearly 3 years. I wish she hadn't needed to. I wish I could have carried on beyond what I knew was humanly possible. I wish she didn't have dementia. She does and so none of these things are my 'fault'. I did everything I could and gave everything I had. We can only do what is humanly possible alone and then sometimes we have to try to accept that their needs outweigh what they or even we want. I remember that ticking time bomb feeling myself. It may well be your own inner voice saying "I can't do this any longer" and with good reason. Accepting the need for residential care is the absolute worst part because it's a form of letting go to some degree and can feel like a bereavement in itself. You will still need to be there for your Mum and to love her, but will be able to visit without the total exhaustion you are feeling now, knowing that there will be several people, rather than just you, on hand throughout the day and night to help her.
X
 

yak55

Registered User
Jun 15, 2015
616
Hi yak55,
I am not tech savvy enough to know how to copy and paste on my new IPad but wanted to say I posted a thread on a very similar theme sometime ago in essence saying that we all read on here all the things people are contending with which seemed far more than I was dealing with at the time but I still couldn't cope. I asked why was it that I couldn't manage. Was I weak, did I not love enough and I suspected that if another poster stepped into my shoes they would be able to do it far more easily.

All nonsense I now realise. As others have said each situation is unique. We do everything we can do but eventually it takes all you have and more. Don't feel defeated, feel proud you have managed for so long. Even once your loved one is in a care home the caring goes on. You will still be the primary person who visits and addresses any issues that arise but you won't have the 24/7 workload you had before. You will have time to give to your other nearest and dearest and also for yourself just the little indulgence of meeting someone for a cuppa or going shopping and not having to dash back home mean't so much to me.
You've done and will continue to do a good job but now it will be shared. Good Luck.
X
 

yak55

Registered User
Jun 15, 2015
616
Thank you all for your replies to my thread and kindness.
I am worried sick about mum going in for her respite week and quite tearful about it and also missing my Dad greatly.
So I'd just like to say that I think you are all amazing people and I'd like to give you all a hug, if I could I would xxx