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Ripped apart to make the right decision, advice needed

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by tankie1rtr, May 7, 2015.

  1. tankie1rtr

    tankie1rtr Registered User

    May 7, 2015
    2
    York. UK
    Hello All.
    This is my first posting, and I need help. I am 61yrs old man and married, my mum is in the very late stages of Dementia and I have been told by the Nursing home that she is very very poorly and the end is near. My stepfather out of spite has had her put in a nursing home well away from the family he is trying to isolate her from the family out of spite, hence I am now 130miles away from the home, so that is a 260 mile round trip, I went to see her a couple of weeks ago but since she has deteriorated to such a degree that we thought we would lose her Wednesday night, the sister said that she is unconscious all the time and they are keeping her comfortable with medication, and they expect her to just go peacefully in her sleep. I made the decision that I will not go to visit her because she wont know I am there and it will rip me apart, (as it is my head is all over the place so are my emotions and I am hardly sleeping as I am semi awake at nights with my phone at the sider of me just waiting for 'That Call') also I want to remember my mum as happy and smiling/laughing, so I had made my mind up. I would go and kiss her goodbye in the Chapel of Rest. I mentioned this to my boss at work and he told me to wait my decision, later he put some papers on my desk that he printed of the internet stating that people in Comas can still hear and recognise people who are around them and said I should think about my decision or I may forever carry the guilt for not going to see her, my wife who supports me all the way says that he should never have done that as all he has done is made the matter worse, she tells me that mum would not know anybody is there and would not recognise me because of how poorly she is, I am a very emotional person and this is ripping me apart, I just don't know what to do, any advice would really be appreciated. I apologise if I sound confused but believe me, I don't know which way to turn. I am employed with a good job but I am a mess.
    Thank you
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,714
    Female
    London
    I have no idea what people in a coma can or can't do but your mum is also in the end stages of dementia and therefore not likely to understand much of what's going on anymore. You have to find out for yourself what's right for you and it sounds like you had before your boss started to meddle. You certainly shouldn't feel guilty for not visiting, and don't let anyone else make you feel guilty too! You're in enough turmoil as it is. I am sure your boss meant well but he should have kept his trap shut if you ask me, as he wasn't helping. Why don't you take a few days off work as it doesn't sound like you're fit for it right now anyway in your emotional state. If he's so concerned for you he should be fine with you wanting time off.
     
  3. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    I agree. You dont want to see your mum at the end and we all understand and respect your decision. Stand by your decision. You love your mum and are suffering enough without others trying to butt in. Sending you strength for the dayd ahead. I would take some sick leave and try to go somewhere that gives you a sense of peace. We will all be thinking of you at this very hard time.
     
  4. pipd

    pipd Registered User

    Apr 12, 2015
    77
    Leigh on Sea Essex
    I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hadn't visited, whether she can hear you or not nobody deserves to pass alone. The fact you are asking others opinions makes me feel you really haven't made up your mind.


    QUOTE=tankie1rtr;1097577]Hello All.
    This is my first posting, and I need help. I am 61yrs old man and married, my mum is in the very late stages of Dementia and I have been told by the Nursing home that she is very very poorly and the end is near. My stepfather out of spite has had her put in a nursing home well away from the family he is trying to isolate her from the family out of spite, hence I am now 130miles away from the home, so that is a 260 mile round trip, I went to see her a couple of weeks ago but since she has deteriorated to such a degree that we thought we would lose her Wednesday night, the sister said that she is unconscious all the time and they are keeping her comfortable with medication, and they expect her to just go peacefully in her sleep. I made the decision that I will not go to visit her because she wont know I am there and it will rip me apart, (as it is my head is all over the place so are my emotions and I am hardly sleeping as I am semi awake at nights with my phone at the sider of me just waiting for 'That Call') also I want to remember my mum as happy and smiling/laughing, so I had made my mind up. I would go and kiss her goodbye in the Chapel of Rest. I mentioned this to my boss at work and he told me to wait my decision, later he put some papers on my desk that he printed of the internet stating that people in Comas can still hear and recognise people who are around them and said I should think about my decision or I may forever carry the guilt for not going to see her, my wife who supports me all the way says that he should never have done that as all he has done is made the matter worse, she tells me that mum would not know anybody is there and would not recognise me because of how poorly she is, I am a very emotional person and this is ripping me apart, I just don't know what to do, any advice would really be appreciated. I apologise if I sound confused but believe me, I don't know which way to turn. I am employed with a good job but I am a mess.
    Thank you[/QUOTE]
     
  5. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,783
    Salford
    Hi Tankie, welcome to TP, sorry it's under such difficult circumstances.
    I can only advise that only you can decide what's right for you, if you have a good employer could you take the time off to go and sit there 24/7 for as long as it takes?
    I did, that was what I felt I wanted to do there, be there just in case she came round one last time, so someone she knew would be there. Other people don't want to see the end of a loved ones life it simply is too distressing a thing for them to do.
    Neither is right or wrong, only you can decide. Whatever you do decide don't ever regret it.
    K
     
  6. tankie1rtr

    tankie1rtr Registered User

    May 7, 2015
    2
    York. UK
    I am sorry, I never made the statement that she would pass alone, she has her husband who is with her, and she has her daughter and adult grandchildren who live aprox 30 mins away. I am 130 miles away, so she is never alone, and I ask not because I haven't made my mind up, I asked because I wanted to know If she would know I was there. IF she was alone I would crawl over broken Glass to get to her. I am sorry you seemed to have misinterpreted my post.



    [/QUOTE]
     
  7. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    257
    Norfolk
    Hi, only you know how you feel. In your heart if you really don't want to go then don't but if there is the slightest bit of doubt then you probably would never forgive yourself. Try not to listen to others passing judgement. It's your decision and you must decide what is best for you. Everyone is different.
     
  8. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    Hi. You must do what feels right for you.
    We are all different , what is right for one person , isn't for another
    Personally I prefer to be with the person, it is not always possible though .

    Some people go through dreadful guilt because the were not able to be there, if you feel that this would happen to you, then I suggest you go to say goodbye soon.
     
  9. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    Will she know you are there?
    Who knows? no one.

    you have to do what is right for you, and you ony.

    I sat with my dad for week, My brother popped in and out, and hi calls becameless as dad ebbed way. when the call came ''Come now'' he simply said he couldn't/didn't want to.

    Yes I felt very alone after dad had gone, but ould never have pressured my brother to do something he really didn't want to.

    maybe go and say quiet goodbye at the weekend if time allows , then let nature take its coure, having said your own goodbye. ( ''Sleep tight'' and a kiss as you leave) You know its your goodbye, no-one else would.
     
  10. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,963
    North East England
    Will she know?....I'm sorry but that is one question that has no answer.....well certainly not in this life!

    If you feel that you want to remember Mum as she was, and not as she is now, then you have made your decision.
    I spent a huge amount of time sitting beside my Mum, watching her die....and yet, in the end she went without me at her side. Do I regret it? No. To be honest, I was so relieved that she was finally out of her suffering that my absence had no impact on me.

    So go...don't go... make your decision and accept that Mum will go with or without your presence...just don't let guilt be a deciding factor.
    Thinking of you.x.
     
  11. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,534
    North East England
    #11 CollegeGirl, May 8, 2015
    Last edited: May 8, 2015
    My heart goes out to you - you sound so distressed.

    My mother in law died on Sunday (she didn't have dementia). Her husband, son and daughter were with her when she died. I didn't get there in time. There was no sign from her whatsoever that she knew her loved ones were with her, so it's really an impossible question to answer, sadly. I have heard that the sense of hearing is the last to go, but have no way of knowing if this is true - how can anyone know this, I wonder?

    Sending you the strength to cope with whatever you decide about whether to be there or not - I feel it's a totally personal decision, and I feel that in your heart you have already made the choice that is right for you.

    xx
     
  12. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,973
    Suffolk
    But on the other hand, it is said hearing is the last sense to go. How dementia affects that, I have no idea. May be ask a professional? However, it must be your decision.
    As someone said, you may not be there anyway. I saw my own father in the morning, there had been no change for a few days. Just as I was getting ready to go in the late afternoon, the home phoned to say he had died. One of my cousins was with him.
    My thoughts are with you.
     
  13. pipd

    pipd Registered User

    Apr 12, 2015
    77
    Leigh on Sea Essex
    Apologies.

    [/QUOTE]
     

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