1. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland
    Dear Aisling, I responded to your first post on this thread after reading it then. But have not managed to get back to you again, and very sorry about that. I don't know what happened to my post to you...must have not pressed 'Submit'...:confused:

    I deeply feel for you and empathise and cannot add anything here that others have not said before me. It is one year and one week since my husband died, 19th June. On Wednesday it will be a year since his funeral. We measure life in years and "last year" or "a year ago" sounds a long time, but when it comes to grief it is nothing at all.

    Without TP I don't know what I would have done. Don't hold back, we are here and it can help in various ways.

    Good luck with your doctor tomorrow. I'll be thinking about you.

    Loo xx
     
  2. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland
    Thank you. GP tomorrow. Have my list written out. Support is gone except here. Emergency last sat frightened the life out of me. I didn't want to post here but am so glad I did.

    Aisling xxxxx
     
  3. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland
    Thank you so much Loo. You are correct and I hadn't thought about it..... Time is nothing at all when it comes to grief.

    Love,
    Aisling xxxxx
     
  4. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    I'm really glad you made your appointment for today and I hope you'll feel able to open up to the gp and get some support. You are right about time being immaterial, everything takes just as long as it takes and that includes grieving and there's pretty much nothing we can do but let it happen.

    My only sound advice is let it happen. I didnt grieve for my dad when he passed away almost 27 years ago and it did catch up with me later on. Doing it as you are is hard and a daily struggle, but healthier than doing good it about 5 years later as I did.

    Will be thinking of you today. X
     
  5. jorgieporgie

    jorgieporgie Registered User

    Mar 2, 2016
    1,985
    YORKSHIRE
    Thinking of you today Aisling, and so pleased you have taken the right steps forward. xx
     
  6. MollyD

    MollyD Registered User

    Mar 27, 2016
    1,696
    Ireland
    Thinking of you today, Aisling. (((Hug))) x
     
  7. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland
    Lavender, Jorgie and Molly, my own doctor is excellent and he was Ts doctor too. He is on holiday and am nervous about talking to his locum who will know nothing about me. I know that I need a doctor so here goes....... I can't wait for two weeks. App is at 2.30 but busy surgery so I could be sitting in waiting room for ages.

    Aisling xx
     
  8. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    Aisling sometimes anonymous is better. Sometimes it's hard to say things to someone you know well and who knows all about you, embarrassment and other things can come into play. The locum doesn't know you, you may never see him or her again. It might actually be easier than with the GP with whom you have a history as it where.

    As hard as it is say it as it is. Once the words are out there you may actually feel a little relief and I hope that lots of face to face support follows. Virtual support from all of us surrounds you all the time. I know you know it, but we are all here for you and on your side. X
     
  9. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland
    Hi everyone,

    Heartfelt thanks for your support and getting me to the doctor. Am going to be totally honest and share my visit. Yes I am in the middle of a total nervous breakdown. Mentally, emotionally etc. I am so relieved to actually know what is wrong. 45 minutes with an amazing doctor. Imagine saying I am relieved!!! It is similar to getting diagnoses of a physical condition. The reality of accepting that my mind, emotions and spirit are broken. Hard but true. I now know that anyone's strength can be broken. The best part is that this illness can be cured and/ or managed successfully.

    The doctor is going to get me an appointment with psychiatrist asap. Am keeping an open mind and trusting that psy will be able to help me. If that means meds, so be it. I will try anything to get better. It is what it is.....

    Am going to travel on this journey with doctors and you my wonderful friends. Am not talking to the many people who have opinions re pull yourself together!! People who may have opinions re tablets for mental illness etc. What invisibles think of me etc is their problem!! Doc was amazing with all this. I cried my way through the appointment!! Told him everything. He says I need time, space, a safe place to talk etc.

    I will gather my strength and health slowly and carefully, step by step. Whatever I need to do, I will do.

    I know I have support from all of you. I eventually reached out in desperation, shame etc. Sure me... A strong person couldn't be broken?? Yes I could be broken. " bring on the clowns"

    In bottom of pit and relieved.. The only way now is up...... The massive help I need is out there with all of you.

    Bless you all and know you are unique and wonderful.

    Thank you.... thank you......

    Lots of love,

    Aisling xxx
     
  10. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    537
    Female
    Surrey, UK
    Aisling, I am only just catching up with your thread. I just want to send you waves of sympathy and support. And hugs. And virtual flowers for good measure!
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    You are clearly in the midst of a difficult time, yet you show an amazing insight into your own situation. This insight will help you through, believe me.

    Like you, I thought I was strong and couldn't be broken. Then I found out the hard way that I was vulnerable. I was lucky in getting support from a wonderful GP and local mental health services.

    Someone once explained to me that caring is like holding a glass of water at arm's length. At first, you can hold it easily, you barely notice the strain. Then, over time, it feels heavier and heavier, until eventually we have to let go.

    No-one knows their breaking point until they are faced with it. Don't be ashamed. Take whatever support is offered. You are not alone in this.

    Warm wishes coming your way. DMac xx
     
  11. MollyD

    MollyD Registered User

    Mar 27, 2016
    1,696
    Ireland
    Dear Aisling. I'm so, so sorry you are struggling and in such pain. Yet, your courage facing into finding your way through it is inspiring and encouraging. And I'm so pleased you feel a sense of relief after your GP visit. That just speaks volumes.

    You've supported so many here over the last number of years, even when things were really grim and bleak for you and T. Hope you feel people's support here for you. Do post if and when you need it.

    Big step today, wow, and just wondeful you were heard by a great GP and understood and supported.

    I bet you could do with a good night's sleep now. And a tasty morsel of something or other beforehand. :)

    Night x
     
  12. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    I am so glad you went to see the GP and that he listened and understood. I think it's fantastic that you have made this first and very important step. You've been very brave and strong. You are right to ignore any negative opinions and that stupid phrase you just have to pull yourself together is just that, plain stupid. You've proved today just how much courage you have, it took bucket loads to tell the GP exactly how things are. You've done really really brilliantly Aisling. Xxx
     
  13. jorgieporgie

    jorgieporgie Registered User

    Mar 2, 2016
    1,985
    YORKSHIRE
    Oh brilliant news Aisling, you are strong as you faced up to the fact you needed help.
    We are all following the same path and there is a reason why we all found each other. To be able to talk with no negative comments as helped us all and no matter how you feel or what you want to say and express with no judgement this is the place.
    Extra supportive hugs sent tonight. xxxx
     
  14. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,442
    Female
    Dundee
    Oh Aisling I was delighted to read your post. Your approach to this is really admirable. Such a big step taken already and you know that everyone on TP is behind you and supporting you. Wishing you all possible strength.
     
  15. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    I'm so pleased that your GP visit went so well and you can now access the help you need. Well done for your courage in facing this, it would have been so easy to shut yourself away and felt bad for so much longer.

    I hope things improve for you soon. Jx
     
  16. MollyD

    MollyD Registered User

    Mar 27, 2016
    1,696
    Ireland
    Morning Aisling. I hope you slept. It's lashing out of the heavens in this corner of the country, I'll have to gear up to take the mutt on her daily walk.

    Thinking of you x
     
  17. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,510
    Ireland
    No rain down here!
    Well done Aisling. And don't forget, when you find yourself down in the pit, we on TP are known to join people in their pit, bringing virtual cake, virtual wine, and snacks!

    You've taken the most important step. And if there's medication involved, so what? You don't need to tell anyone what you're doing. If people ask how you're doing, you just say " getting there, thanks."
     
  18. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland
    I love flowers, thank you DMac.

    Aisling xx
     
  19. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland
    Morning all,

    8 hours sleep last night with no nightmares TG. I have a plan of action!! (Reviewing the situation").

    Accepting my feelings as they are now.
    Realising that There is no support I my community. People, invisibles and relations have moved on. The hardest thing was accepting that close family are not able to support me. My beautiful niece doesn't contact me anymore as I have offended her in some way.
    Being patient with myself. Trying to do one thing at a time. Yesterday that was booking in for NCT. Latter took ages!! I ended up in tears on the phone! Latter are always near the surface! So thankful I have all your great supporters on TP. Without you all , I don't know how I would have survived.

    I hope I can gel with psychriatrist. My experience of Ts psy has been so negative. Am going to see him/ her as soon as app comes through and take it from there. Open mind etc etc!

    Today's agenda is quick visit to local shop keeping smile on face and saying " l am grand" the endless list of things to do is going to be ignored. Ordinary everyday things that have become mountains to climb now.

    Two friends who visit every month are coming to see me tonight so am getting chocolate cake. They dont care what state house is in and believe me it is pitiful!! Am surprised my dog has not started cleaning up for me!!My "forever friend" is gone away for a while.

    Am going to get more tea now, get post and then back to bed for a while. Yes, back to bed!! Isn't that decadent??


    If there is anyone out there in a breakdown please post here and start on your journey of recovery please. Don't be afraid to talk about depression.

    Lots of love and blessings,

    Aisling xx
     
  20. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,501
    Female
    Near Southampton
    Not decadent at all just sensible if that feels the right thing for you to do. Forget the day at a time, even hour at a time and just deal with the minute you are in now.
    You have taken that first step up the ladder out of that deep well and will now eventually see sunlight. xxx
     

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