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Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Aisling, Jun 13, 2017.

  1. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,808
    Ireland
    My husband died in my arms on 27 February 2017. I was with him from Friday until he died on Monday morning. I unstandand the grieving process in theory but the reality is so different for me. Shock, horror, mental and emotional pain. I am not coping. I have listened to all the usual advice eg get out and about etc. Physical pain that I didn't expect.

    I barely get myself through each day. No energy, no motivation. People in general don't seem to understand the impact of death. I think there was more understanding of bereavement years ago.

    I am also trying to deal with all the legal things.

    I just want to curl up in a corner...............

    Aisling xx
     
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    52,641
    Dundee
    #2 Izzy, Jun 13, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2017
    Aisling I'm so sorry to read your post.

    February is no time at all. Don't listen to other people's advice like this. Grieving is different for everyone. I know it's an old cliche but it really is one day at a time. It's coming up for the first anniversary of my husband's death. Although I do get out and about and do all the things people suggest life has changed for ever.

    I'm glad you have posted here as so many of us will understand what you are going through.

    If you feel you can it might help to get in touch with CRUSE -

    https://www.cruse.org.uk/bereavement-services/get-help

    Phone number - 0808 808 1677

    Please keep posting here. I hope doing so will help you a little.
     
  3. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,546
    Aisling, I am so sorry to hear that your dear husband has passed away. It must be a comfort for you to have been with him for the last couple of days. I totally understand how you feel, I lost mine about 2 years ago, and the pain is unbearable at times.

    The grieving process is a very personal thing, and we all deal with the situation in our own way. The best advice I was given was to take one day at a time, and focus on just that day. I felt OK if I managed each day. Also, be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to curl up if that is how you feel. I still do. Trying to pretend that we feel OK doesn't work, after all you have experienced an extremely traumatic event.

    Many people don't understand how hard it is to lose the love of your life. Just do what You feel able to. I admit, I did try to go out most days, even if I only went into town for no reason, but just to stop myself becoming reclusive.

    Sending you hugs and understanding. J x
     
  4. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,063
    Female
    Near Southampton
    Aisling, I am so sorry. I can completely understand the way you feel. We know this day must come but are never really prepared for it when it does. Grief is a personal thing, three years later I can still dissolve in tears at any given moment, so, as Izzy says, take one day at a time and do only what you feel able to, when you feel able. x
     
  5. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,808
    Ireland
    Thank you Jan. I go to the woods where we used to go together to try to ease the pain.

    Aisling xx
     
  6. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,808
    Ireland

    Thank you for sharing so honestly with me.

    Aisling xx
     
  7. LynneMcV

    LynneMcV Volunteer Moderator

    May 9, 2012
    1,948
    south-east London
    Aisling, I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. Do things in your own time, there is no 'accepted period' for grief and it is such early days for you. I am dreading such a time coming for me, I can barely give thought to it because the very idea wrenches at my heart. Sending you strength for such difficult times.
     
  8. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,546
    That is good. I found that I needed to push myself sometimes to venture out, but it did help. As Saffie says, tears can suddenly appear, because this never goes away, but the pain does ease slowly with time. The love of my life will always be with me, and when I go away I always take something of his with me. It helps me.
     
  9. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,842
    Oh, Aisling I'm sorry . I wish I knew what to say to help ... Sending my thoughts and strength xx k
     
  10. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    8,273
    Merseyside
    Oh Aisling I'm so sorry.
     
  11. sunray

    sunray Registered User

    Aislng, it takes a long time to get over the death of one you loved so dearly. So be kind to yourself and take life a day at a time. Just do what you can each day, some things you do automatically and so do enough to keep yourself fed and warm and comfortable. Ask for help if you need it. Don't worry about tears and those moments when you just don't know what to do , they will decrease in time. (((hugs))) from Sue.
     
  12. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,865
    Cotswolds
    SO sad for you Aisling, just holding out a hand for you to hold...my husband is saying his long goodbye, and I can only imagine how it will be afterwards.
     
  13. jorgieporgie

    jorgieporgie Registered User

    Mar 2, 2016
    1,972
    YORKSHIRE
    Oh Aisling thank you for starting this post, I am sure it will help you and also help all of us who feel exactly the same through loss of our loved ones.
    I am glad you feel its time to come back to all your TP friends who will always lend a listening ear.
    Your not alone and not treading this path alone. The positive I find in this grieving process is that our loved ones are free and out of the misery that this disease caused them. Keep posting whether you feel up or down we understand. Big hugs xxxxxx
     
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    64,193
    Kent
    Something was posted on FB about grief but I`m not sure whether or not there is a copyright on it.

    However I think I`m allowed to post a snippet from it;


    `And grief is not something you complete
    But rather you endure.

    Grief is not a task to finish
    And move on.
    An element of yourself,
    But an alteration of your being.`
     
  15. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    52,641
    Dundee
    I think this is it. Hopefully it's ok to post a link.

    http://tutte-reflectionsonlifecom.blogspot.co.uk/2010/11/grief-poem-that-resonates.html
     
  16. Rosnpton

    Rosnpton Registered User

    Mar 19, 2017
    383
    Northants
    Sorry to read of your loss
    As others have said,Feb was not long ago
    Thinking of you
    Ros
     
  17. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    64,193
    Kent
  18. irismary

    irismary Registered User

    Feb 7, 2015
    499
    West Midlands
    So sorry Aisling, I cannot imagine how you feel. Take care, hugs and best wishes xx
     
  19. LadyA

    LadyA Volunteer Host

    Oct 19, 2009
    11,513
    Ireland
    As others have said, Aisling, February is no time at all. Just barely time for the initial numbness to be starting to wear off, that time when you begin to realise that it has actually happened, and it's not going to be something that passes, and things get back to normal. And meanwhile, everyone else has gone back to their normal lives.

    William is nearly 2 years gone now, and I suppose I'd have to call this the "new normal"? That poem is so right. Grief and loss does change us. So, Aisling, things will never be the same again, that is true. But it will get easier. We are very resilient creatures, and we adjust. Take your time.

    Cruse don't operate in Ireland, but access to bereavement counselling here is done through Tusla (the Child & Family Services agency): http://www.tusla.ie/services/family-community-support/counselling/
     
  20. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Registered User

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,338
    Toronto, Canada
    Aisling, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. February is not long ago at all.

    That is a lovely poem and so relevant to me. It is 10 months today Mum died. I find I do get a little melancholic on this date.
     

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