RIP dad

[MaNaAk]

Not sure which section I should be writing this. But it looks like I will have no need to be here now for much longer.

After suffering from Dementia for the past 5 years, at the age of 82 my dad sadly passed away last night. I was called by the Care Home to say there had been an emergency and dad had suffered a respiratory arrest. When I got to the home, I was told they had been unable to resuscitate him and he had passed away. Ambulance staff were there and Police arrived later.

It was all very quick and unexpected as he was still very well apart from his Dementia getting worse. Care home staff were just as upset and in shock as I was. All I can say is that at least I don’t have to witness the Dementia taking more and more of my dad away and he died still recognising me and knowing I cared and loved him.

Elle x

PS. I’m sorry, I also meant to say a big thank you to everyone on this forum for sharing your stories and information and for all the support you have given everyone and me. I have found this forum such a great help and so friendly. Thank you.

Dear Elle,

I'm so sorry to hear about your dear dad. He sounded a lovely man and I have been following your threads closely. You have helped me from time to time and I have found your threads an inspiration. When you are able to do please keep in touch with us from time to time and also there are people on here that can still give you advice.

Thinking of you and hugs from

MaNaAk

 

[Elle3]

Dear Elle,

I'm so sorry to hear about your dear dad. He sounded a lovely man and I have been following your threads closely. You have helped me from time to time and I have found your threads an inspiration. When you are able to do please keep in touch with us from time to time and also there are people on here that can still give you advice.

Thinking of you and hugs from

MaNaAk

Thank you MaNaAk for your kind words. I thought my dad would go on forever as he was so strong and fit normally but unfortunately the Dementia and living within a care home got the better of him. It is a blessing that he passed quickly though as I would have hated to see him suffer. Our journey has ended now, but I know for many on here and for you it continues, so I would like to stay around and keep in touch.

Take care.
Elle x

 

[jules29]

@Elle3

So sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my dad 8 years ago suddenly (though not with dementia) and life is not the same again but all the happy memories are still there. Be kind to yourselfxx

 

[70smand]

Dear Elle, so sorry for your loss. I followed your posts and know you have been through so much. Maybe it will be some comfort that he is not suffering and as traumatic as it was so sudden he did not linger. I’m still riding this roller coaster with my dad after him having Alzheimer’s for at least 15 years but my thoughts are with you xxx

 

[MaNaAk]

Thank you MaNaAk for your kind words. I thought my dad would go on forever as he was so strong and fit normally but unfortunately the Dementia and living within a care home got the better of him. It is a blessing that he passed quickly though as I would have hated to see him suffer. Our journey has ended now, but I know for many on here and for you it continues, so I would like to stay around and keep in touch.

Take care.
Elle x

Thankyou Elle!

I have been thinking of you and countless threads which showed what a lovely man your dad was and what a wonderful daughter you are. I remember you giving advice about care homes and other things.

Hugs

MaNaAk

 

[Elle3]

It has now been confirmed that dad died of a heart attack, they found he had a fatty deposit in his heart which caused a coronary thrombosis. It was quick and he probably knew nothing about it.

Eating fish and chips 5 days a week and lots of chocolate and cake for about 3 years before he went into the care home, probably caught up with him. Dad had always been fit and active before going into care, even though his diet wasn’t good he walked a lot which probably balanced it. Going into the care home unfortunately stopped the exercise but his food intake had increased, so it probably all caught up on him.

At least I can say the Dementia didn’t beat him, he beat the Dementia.

I can now go and register his death.

Elle x

 

[canary]

My dad died of a heart attack. Its a good way to go, but a shock to the relatives.
At least you now know. Hope all goes well at the registrar

 

[Elle3]

My dad died of a heart attack. Its a good way to go, but a shock to the relatives.
At least you now know. Hope all goes well at the registrar

Thanks Canary I agree.

All went well with the Registrar, lovely bloke actually and we spent a good 15-20 minutes just chatting as he lived quite close to me. I bought 3 copies of the death certificate, I think that should be enough as dad's estate is quite simple to administer due to having no property to sell and just bank accounts.

Elle x

 

[MaNaAk]

It has now been confirmed that dad died of a heart attack, they found he had a fatty deposit in his heart which caused a coronary thrombosis. It was quick and he probably knew nothing about it.

Eating fish and chips 5 days a week and lots of chocolate and cake for about 3 years before he went into the care home, probably caught up with him. Dad had always been fit and active before going into care, even though his diet wasn’t good he walked a lot which probably balanced it. Going into the care home unfortunately stopped the exercise but his food intake had increased, so it probably all caught up on him.

At least I can say the Dementia didn’t beat him, he beat the Dementia.

I can now go and register his death.

Elle x

Dear Elle,

Your dad's diet may not have been terribly healthy but you need to tell yourself he enjoyed his food
and your right I shouldn't think he felt pain and he beat dementia. I hope you can relax a little now. I'm still thinking of you.

Hugs

MaNaAk

 

[Elle3]

Dear Elle,

Your dad's diet may not have been terribly healthy but you need to tell yourself he enjoyed his food
and your right I shouldn't think he felt pain and he beat dementia. I hope you can relax a little now. I'm still thinking of you.

Hugs

MaNaAk

I totally agree MaNaAk, if you can't eat what you fancy at 80+ then there is no point living. He did enjoy his food and even after finishing his last meal before he died he said to the carer that it was good.

Thank you x

 

[father ted]

Sorry to hear about your Dad. X

 

[MaNaAk]

I totally agree MaNaAk, if you can't eat what you fancy at 80+ then there is no point living. He did enjoy his food and even after finishing his last meal before he died he said to the carer that it was good.

Thank you x

Dear Elle,

That is a memory you must keep. When I was caring for dad there were worrying times when he decided he was full after only a few mouthfuls. He can't do this with diabetes.

MaNaAk

 

[Pouli]

I totally agree MaNaAk, if you can't eat what you fancy at 80+ then there is no point living. He did enjoy his food and even after finishing his last meal before he died he said to the carer that it was good.

Thank you x

I agree, too. They have so little they deserve any treat they want. My husband liked chocolate and Jaffa cakes, custard tarts and apple pies. He would always prefer chips or roast potatoes over plain boiled. Nutricia fortified drinks supplied vitamins and minerals, and the rest of the time he could have what he liked.

 

[Maggie]

In the meantime I have booked the funeral for Friday 29th March at 2pm, undecided whether to book a wake as I think so few people will attend the funeral. The cost of the funeral was also a bit of a shock, it was a lot more expensive than I thought it would be, due to it being classed as out of area as dad no longer owns a property in the borough (I sold his house in November) and his care home was closer to me within a different borough, so no subsidy can be applied.

Wishing you all the best for Funeral on Friday 29th.
All very daunting I know.
I was also indecisive about a wake.

I still find it hard to comprehend the concept of celebrating a loved one's life when I am feeling so overwhelmed with Grief.
With my brothers "Wake" a few years ago
As it was the only close family & some of his distant friends, we went for a meal at a restaurant on the river Thames.
His distant friends who attended the funeral just paid their respects & went home.
One of my brother distant friend said a lovely speech at the funeral about his childhood memories with my brother

My sons funeral,,,, younger generation wanted " Wake" I just let my daughters organise it, had it at home.
While I hide in my bedroom.

My Mums soon after my sons, is cloudy memory. I think we just came home, daughters & their friends made a meal for us all.

My advice Do want "feels" best for you about the wake.

Memory never fad
feelings always stay
time is not a healer it's just a Myth.
All that happens is your learn to live with the "Missing "
We learn a new way of life . in learning to live without our loved ones.
It can be a positive one as the choice is ours xxx

 

[Izzy]

I’m sorry for your loss. Wishing you strength.

 

[Elle3]

Wishing you all the best for Funeral on Friday 29th.
All very daunting I know.
I was also indecisive about a wake.

I still find it hard to comprehend the concept of celebrating a loved one's life when I am feeling so overwhelmed with Grief.
With my brothers "Wake" a few years ago
As it was the only close family & some of his distant friends, we went for a meal at a restaurant on the river Thames.
His distant friends who attended the funeral just paid their respects & went home.
One of my brother distant friend said a lovely speech at the funeral about his childhood memories with my brother

My sons funeral,,,, younger generation wanted " Wake" I just let my daughters organise it, had it at home.
While I hide in my bedroom.

My Mums soon after my sons, is cloudy memory. I think we just came home, daughters & their friends made a meal for us all.

My advice Do want "feels" best for you about the wake.

Memory never fad
feelings always stay
time is not a healer it's just a Myth.
All that happens is your learn to live with the "Missing "
We learn a new way of life . in learning to live without our loved ones.
It can be a positive one as the choice is ours xxx

Thank you Maggie, what a sad time with all those deaths you have had to deal with, especially losing a son. ((Hugs))

I have come to a decision regarding the wake. I am going to provide tea, cakes and biscuits at my house and anyone that wants to come after the funeral is invited. My dad't wouldn't have wanted a fuss, he hated social situations but he loved his cake and biscuits, so I think it is quite fitting to remember him like this. I'm going to make a Victoria Sandwich cake on Thursday and a lovely friend of mine has volunteered to make a cake too. I've just been to M&S today and bought dad's favourite biscuits.

Elle x

 

[Elle3]

I have now written the Eulogy and Order and Service and I am happy that I have captured as much of my dad has possible in it. I have sent them to the Celebrant who will be conducting the service.

He came back to me with feedback and asked if I really wanted to include some of the consequences of my dad's illness, ie the bit I wrote about dad climbing out of a window and escaping from his first care home, as dad sounds such a proud and private man and may not want people to know about that? I have written back to him to say yes I do, as that was exactly what my dad was like. Yes he was proud and private, but he would have been more proud of himself managing to escape from a locked care home, which everybody said wasn't possible. My dad was a bit of a rebel all his life, why change when the Dementia took over. It's a good job I haven't included all the things dad got up in his past!

I have found it hard selecting songs for the funeral. My dad was an Elvis fan, but a lot of his songs are about love and girls so it's hard to choose appropriate songs, I certainly couldn't select 'Burning love' for a cremetorium! In the end I have chosen 'The Wonder of You' for the opening and for the closing 'Always on my mind'. I know 'Always on my mind was a favourite of my dads and back in February the care home had an Elvis impersonator and this song was the only song my dad reacted to, he tapped his feet and nodded his head. Plus also for the last 5-6 years my dad's been constantly on my mind, even though he was losing his, so I think they will be good choices.

Today I have dropped off dad's clothes at the Funeral home, I've chosen casual clothes as that is all my dad wore, plus all I had. I've given them a photo of dad and asked them to make sure his hair is combed back like in the photo. I've told them he will haunt them if it isn't as he was always very particular about his hair. I've also given them a photo of my mum and dad together to place in the coffin. I'm not going to view dad at the Funeral home, I'm going to remember him how he was the last time I saw him on the Wednesday morning, looking well and looking well groomed and dressed and walking up and down the corridors.

 

[Maggie]

I have come to a decision regarding the wake. I am going to provide tea, cakes and biscuits at my house and anyone that wants to come after the funeral is invited.

Sounds Just right.
As that is what, I helped my mother do when my father passed away.

Eulogy and Order and Service a sounds very thoughtful in capturing your father
essence in words.

We had full blow Catholic mass for my Father & my Son with hymns
.
So when it got to my brother & found out that Catholic people can have a cremation.
as long as the ashes get buried
.
I had my brother cremated & played music from our younger years
Spirit in the Sky ... Norman Greenbaum
As I know he loved that song.

I still have his ashes.
I should put them within my Mother, father Grave.
I am just not ready to let go of his ashes yet.
There still in my front room in a Box with his Hat on top of the Box.
Cant decided where to put them yet.
I am just still being a rebel, & challenging the whole concept of the Catholic faith & all the
psychological past memory of my to upbringing as a Catholic.
I have read that Grife can do that, change a person whole outlook on life, I think more so because of my son's death.

So when my brother died I did what felt good for my "Feelings" Gosh it's hard enough dealing with our feeling over losing them to death.
let along worrying what they would have liked it to be like.
They loved us we loved them.
I know they would have wanted me to do what felt good for me.

Am pleased you are doing that also with your father
Eulogy

wishing you all the best xx

 

[Elle3]

This will be my last post on this thread, then I will start a new thread in the ‘After Dementia- dealing with death’ area. I hadn’t realised at the time of starting this thread that there was such an area, plus I think I was still in denial.

But I am no more as it was dad’s funeral today, I wrote his Eulogy, created the Oder of service, chose the songs both by Elvis as dad was a fan and we said our goodbyes. I think it all went well and the Celebrant who conducted the ceremony at the Crematorium was wonderful. He read the Eulogy I had written, it’s not something I could have done and he had obviously listened to me well, talking about dad as his opening and closing words fitted in perfectly too.

We then had tea and lots of cake back at my house.

The flowers from the funeral, after removing a few to take to the cemetery on Sunday for Mother’s Day. I took them to dad’s care home and they are going to make them into table decorations for Sunday, when they will be having a Mothering Sunday tea party. I am so pleased they are not going to waste.

Thank you everyone for your support over the last couple of years and for all your messages of condolence,it has been very much appreciated.

Goodbye and I wish you all well.
Elle x

 

[charlie10]

So glad the funeral went well, Elle.....I hope you can now spend some time looking after yourself