You are not alone, I feel resentful at times and wish I had a little retreat of my own. It is very wearing caring for someone I am not that fond of but then I think you should be careful what you wish for. I think it is because myOH expects me to tend to his every whim with not a thank you ever but that is the disease I suppose.
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- Thread starter Unhappy15
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I feel so much for everyone who is having such a bad time, it is not an easy illness to deal with, l was lucky to have retired at 56, hubby 59 we had 6yrs travelling enjoying our retirement, then Alzheimers came along, 8yrs ago to start with it was not too bad, now my hubby is in late stages, now life has changed so much. we have had 51yrs together, l know if it was me with AD my hubby would be looking after me. I do feel for you all who have not had any retirement, that must be devastating for you.
Me too. I'm 64 he's 82, until VasD the age gap made no difference, now it's a yawning chasm and I feel like I'm fighting for my independence. I still work full time thanks to very understanding bosses. I work from home so have a network of care in place and have to be very firm with OH that he goes to day care or out with his shared lives carers for a few hours so I can get on with work. I don't have any help with his personal care although thankfully he is mainly continent. I don't want just to be my husband's carer so am hanging on to my 'other life' by my fingernails.
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Thanks to Unhappy for being brave enough to start this thread, and for the honesty of the other posters. My husband is 73 but had a brain haemhorrhage many years ago. Life has got increasingly difficult over the last ten or twelve years. Now his mobility is very poor indeed. Because of difficulties with the executive part of his brain he isn't able to carry out the simplest of tasks, r carry on a conversation. I am 64 and do struggle with feeling my life is slipping away. My husband is a very sweet person and I don't have some of the more challenging behaviours so I'm very lucky in that way. As Jennyc said it's still possible to find good things in life, not always easy but we need to fight to have a life which gives us some degree of satisfaction, so that we are not just defined by our caring role.
I try hard to count my blessings and stay positive but there are times I just don't want to carry on living this way. They pass, but it's so helpful to know that other people feel the same.
I try hard to count my blessings and stay positive but there are times I just don't want to carry on living this way. They pass, but it's so helpful to know that other people feel the same.
Know how you feel
You are not alone in how you feel when OH was first diagnosed I was in my early fifties and I was angry thinking why us managed to keep working for a while then went part time as he got worse then in November gave up work to care for him full time this was a big mistake (in hindsight) as OH is now having to go into CH I now feel as though I have got nothing left have lost him and now am full of regrets so don't let this happen to you do what you need to do so that you are not left with regrets x
You are not alone in how you feel when OH was first diagnosed I was in my early fifties and I was angry thinking why us managed to keep working for a while then went part time as he got worse then in November gave up work to care for him full time this was a big mistake (in hindsight) as OH is now having to go into CH I now feel as though I have got nothing left have lost him and now am full of regrets so don't let this happen to you do what you need to do so that you are not left with regrets x
I know how you feel too
I have felt the same resentment, but not at having to look after my wife with her Dementia, but at the condition having robbed her of the time of life she should be enjoying after a hard working life.
My wife is 8 yrs older than me, has no living family and only me to care for her, and i'm the only one she wants to care for her, no carers or outside help coming in at all.
Up until last July she had struggled to cope during the day while i was at work, but it eventually became to much for her being at home alone, plus having to cope with neighbour trouble as well, that she asked me to give up work and be with her full time, which i did as i did used to worry about her while i was working and how she would be coping.
It was my choice, and i am more than happy to devote the rest of my life to look after her and take care of her in any way that she needs, even to those personal bits that some people feel that they can't cope with doing.
As it says in the marriage vows, "in sickness and in health, till death do us part", and i am fully prepared n more than happy to do what needs to be done to look after her.
I know that its not for everybody, devoting the rest of their life to looking after their partner, who most of the time won't know who they are, and no one can blame them in any way for the resentment and in still wanting some life of their own.
You need to do what's best for you, as well as for them.
I have felt the same resentment, but not at having to look after my wife with her Dementia, but at the condition having robbed her of the time of life she should be enjoying after a hard working life.
My wife is 8 yrs older than me, has no living family and only me to care for her, and i'm the only one she wants to care for her, no carers or outside help coming in at all.
Up until last July she had struggled to cope during the day while i was at work, but it eventually became to much for her being at home alone, plus having to cope with neighbour trouble as well, that she asked me to give up work and be with her full time, which i did as i did used to worry about her while i was working and how she would be coping.
It was my choice, and i am more than happy to devote the rest of my life to look after her and take care of her in any way that she needs, even to those personal bits that some people feel that they can't cope with doing.
As it says in the marriage vows, "in sickness and in health, till death do us part", and i am fully prepared n more than happy to do what needs to be done to look after her.
I know that its not for everybody, devoting the rest of their life to looking after their partner, who most of the time won't know who they are, and no one can blame them in any way for the resentment and in still wanting some life of their own.
You need to do what's best for you, as well as for them.
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Hello technotronic l admire you for looking after your wife, l have always said in sickness and health, now my hubby is getting so much worse with this very difficult illness, l am getting worn out, l do now have a carer to take him out for 3hrs a week, not much but gives me some time to myself. Carry on caring ☺
Trapped
My husband can go days being really pleasant which lures me into a false sense of security. Next thing he is shouting his head of over the smallest thing. Of course everything is my fault.I know if the shoe was on the other foot he would have long gone. He could never stand it if I was under the weather. He was always quite selfish so I suppose the shows up worse now he has Alz. He wants to come with me wherever I go I just feel like I need some space. He sits watching T.V all day and doesn't,t like music or the radio on, which I do . Sorry to moan I am usually quite a positive person so it sounds like I feel sorry for myself. Tomorrow is another day.
My husband can go days being really pleasant which lures me into a false sense of security. Next thing he is shouting his head of over the smallest thing. Of course everything is my fault.I know if the shoe was on the other foot he would have long gone. He could never stand it if I was under the weather. He was always quite selfish so I suppose the shows up worse now he has Alz. He wants to come with me wherever I go I just feel like I need some space. He sits watching T.V all day and doesn't,t like music or the radio on, which I do . Sorry to moan I am usually quite a positive person so it sounds like I feel sorry for myself. Tomorrow is another day.
Aggressive
My O.H can be nice but suddenly turns to being really nasty. I try to think it isn't,t him but it isn't,t easy and can be so hurtful.I dropped him of at the barbers today and just because we were a bit early he told me to F ---of. Very nice, being as I was having a busy day. Is this what my life is going to be like . Not a great thought
My O.H can be nice but suddenly turns to being really nasty. I try to think it isn't,t him but it isn't,t easy and can be so hurtful.I dropped him of at the barbers today and just because we were a bit early he told me to F ---of. Very nice, being as I was having a busy day. Is this what my life is going to be like . Not a great thought
I feel the same. I am 63, husband is 81. Starting to get very difficult, and a lot of things that happen just seem to be an exaggeration of things I never liked, even 30 years or more ago. I feel I don't exist... I am just starting the attendance allowance route etc, posted on this forum for the first time yesterday... spoke to a local Alzheimers Soc lady who was lovely - apart from anything else, I thoroughly enjoyed having a grown up conversation, actually A conversation, lol.
The way I feel now, I have a very low limit of how much I will be able to take. I would love to leave... but I am trapped, by house ownership and nasty financial things, as much as the guilt. Reggie Perrin is my hero. rofl.
I cannot imagine a troup of part time carers in the house, having the house modified... any of that. It's my home, not just his.
The way I feel now, I have a very low limit of how much I will be able to take. I would love to leave... but I am trapped, by house ownership and nasty financial things, as much as the guilt. Reggie Perrin is my hero. rofl.
I cannot imagine a troup of part time carers in the house, having the house modified... any of that. It's my home, not just his.
For one night only I will wallow in self pity!!
I have read this thread for the first time tonight and want to say thank you to everyone brave enough to share their feelings. I have found comfort in being able to honestly share how I feel, knowing others understand without judging.
I have over 40 years of happy memories with my husband, but I have cried so many tears over the last 4 years, since he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, at the loss of my generous partner who always put me first in his life. This disease has now created a self obsessed stranger who thinks about himself and now needs help with all the personal things others have mentioned.
I have also struggled with the resentment I feel at having to do everything, at not having my partner to share everyday decisions with, and especially having to give up my job and take a reduced early pension; my future is no longer "rosy". At only 58 I also had dreams of things I still wanted to do and on a reduced income will no longer be able to consider them. But mostly I miss the emotional closeness I shared with my husband, as I find I can no longer be his wife as well as his carer, so have withdrawn from him too. Just thinking of this makes me want to cry.
Although, I am lucky that my family are supportive, I still feel alone as I feel I can't open up completely with them and burden my family with all the gory details about their dad.
I do know, however, that no matter how hard life gets I have been lucky that I do have some fantastic memories of times we shared, and hope these will be enough to get me through the tougher times ahead.
I wish for you all some special memories that pick you up when times are tough.
I have read this thread for the first time tonight and want to say thank you to everyone brave enough to share their feelings. I have found comfort in being able to honestly share how I feel, knowing others understand without judging.
I have over 40 years of happy memories with my husband, but I have cried so many tears over the last 4 years, since he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, at the loss of my generous partner who always put me first in his life. This disease has now created a self obsessed stranger who thinks about himself and now needs help with all the personal things others have mentioned.
I have also struggled with the resentment I feel at having to do everything, at not having my partner to share everyday decisions with, and especially having to give up my job and take a reduced early pension; my future is no longer "rosy". At only 58 I also had dreams of things I still wanted to do and on a reduced income will no longer be able to consider them. But mostly I miss the emotional closeness I shared with my husband, as I find I can no longer be his wife as well as his carer, so have withdrawn from him too. Just thinking of this makes me want to cry.
Although, I am lucky that my family are supportive, I still feel alone as I feel I can't open up completely with them and burden my family with all the gory details about their dad.
I do know, however, that no matter how hard life gets I have been lucky that I do have some fantastic memories of times we shared, and hope these will be enough to get me through the tougher times ahead.
I wish for you all some special memories that pick you up when times are tough.
