1. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I am wondering if we can get my mother into a retirement home without telling the manager we think she has dementia. They must be used to people doing that.

    Of course the manager wouldn't be responsible for any of her care, she would still have paid careworkers coming in.

    Lila
     
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    I would seriously suggest you do not do this, for your mother's safety as much as anything else.

    Dementia is a serious condition and those who are affected - either as patients, or as bystanders - need to be treated seriously.

    I know we get desperate when faced with the many challenges in a society that does not cope well with dementia, but trying to hide it from people who have responsibility for retirement homes and the people in them is not a good thing.

    I have found that one gets much better treatment if one is open about the situation.

    Why not check with a retirement home or two about their situation regarding residents with mild dementia? To place someone with more than mild symptoms in such a home, without the manager knowing, would not be very responsible, and might compromise the health of your mother. :eek:
     
  3. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Hello Lila

    I think you will find that even with care workers going into the home the manager or owner has a legal responsibility towards the residents, there may be a problem at any time of the day or night, and you could find yourself in the position of having to move her again.

    The change of home can be a difficult time for AD sufferers, and the relatives too, so finding the right place first time seems the better option.

    Another factor is that if your Mum is not as aware as the other residents, she may find she is not accepted well by them, as my Mum's AD worsened she simply did not fit in with the other residents any more and was clearly a square peg in a round hole.

    When we looked at the home she is in now, we were struck by how much worse the residents seemed compared to Mum, but from day one, she settled and is now in a home where the staff understand her needs and it is a much better place for her to be.

    I hope you find the right place for her and all goes as smoothly as possible

    Kathleen
     
  4. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    My mother was in an EMI care home for a year until she fell and broke her hip and is presently wheelchair bound. We had to find a nursing home place for her and found the system very confusing. Very few places were classed as EMI NURSING, they tended to be EMI or NURSING. We did find ourselves viewing these places and not telling the managers that our mother had dementia. The only place we viewed that was EMI NURSING had a really good CSCI report but was like something out of the dark ages. The only room available was, ironically, in the attic - we really would have been putting the mad relative in the attic.

    When we first visited the nursing home my mother is now in, we noticed that the front door was unlocked so anyone could come and go, although there was a visitors book. I asked the Assistant Manager if this was ever a problem, did any of the residents ever wander out. She replied that if anyone was prone to do that then this wasn't the right place for them. I therefore thought that all the residents in this home had only physical needs. However, we knew that when we said we wanted our mother to go there, a member of staff from the home would have to meet her to assess her. It would be very obvious to most people, especially 'the trained eye', that my mother had some form of dementia. As it happens the home was happy to take her and I have since realised that many of the other residents do have some degree of dementia. We should have been open from the start and saved ourselves a lot of grief.

    I must add that I have never heard of anyone being in a retirement home and having people come in from outside to care for them. I didn't even know it was possible. I would agree that you need to be honest from the start because you are storing up problems otherwise.
     
  5. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    For three years we used a normal residential retirement home for Lionel's respite.

    I was honest and open with them, they took to Lionel and it worked well. I do

    feel that you have to be upfront with your dealings. Connie
     
  6. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I am looking for an apartment for my mother near enough for me to visit frequently, and near enough for my brother and one of my aunts to visit too, though rather less frequently. It would be her own place, so that they couldn't just push her around from one to another.

    Yes, I know there are quite a few people in retirement homes who have carers coming in, so I will have to ask the manager if that will be possible.

    My mother's dementia is usually so mild that it is only those of us who know her best who know that there is anything wrong.

    Lila
     
  7. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    They even have a notice addressed to careworkers by the front entrance, and the manager said people can have care 24 hours a day, if they can pay for it, or if Social Services pay for it for them.

    But ... whatever place I look up and go and see, my brother doesn't approve, but he won't specify his constraints beforehand. He wanted to put my mother into a home where she'd have a tiny room, and without even a garden.

    I am sure my mother would do better in a retirement flat (2 rooms plus kitchen and bathroom) with carers coming in 2-3 times a day, I would be able to visit her more often than I can where she is now.

    There doesn't even seem to be any point in me wasting my time and energy going to see places as I know that whatever I think of them, he won't approve.

    And now he's arranged a date with the current Social Services when he knows I won't be there.
     
  8. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I was feeling so hopeful after seeing the place and talking with the manager, but then I come home to my brother's messages.

    Lila
     
  9. KaC

    KaC Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    32
    surrey
    Lila
    I am so sorry you are having such toubles
    i hope things will become more settled for you and hopefully a way forward will emerge soon

    thinking of you

    love
    karenx
     
  10. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    Thanks, Karen

    I am sure there are many in that situation, where whatever arrangements one of "the children" tries to make, they are immediately blocked by the other "child".

    (And we should be planning for our own old age now.)

    Lila
     
  11. Chris

    Chris Registered User

    May 20, 2003
    243
    retirement home / residential home/ sheltered housing

    Hello Lila

    Reading this thread - I think it illustrates what a problem there is with language - its the same the world over - but in our case , the word Carer means different things to different people . If you work in a care home , the 'carers' are the paid Care Assistants. If you have a family member with dementia or work for Crossroads, then Carers means family, unpaid carers .

    Retirement flats are , I think, small flats for older people - to buy or rent where people live independently but may need paid carers or "Home Support Workers" or a Domicillary Care Service , to help them with activitites of daily living eg personal care . all these are the same thing !!

    Wheras we used to use the term Residential Home for a big house where lots of people live with their own bedroom but all lounges are communual & no kitchen available - all food & care needed provided. NOW these are called care homes with personal care only. then there are care homes with nursing. That nursing care can be 'general' qualified nurses or can be mental health nursing by RMNs (where the level of physical nursing skills by not be sufficient if someone has a lot of physical nursing needs). The term EMI in not used now at all. Each care home has to be registered with a category - this can be DE for dementia or MD for mental disorder. Gradually no care home will have both of these - thus ensuring that in the future people who have dementia will not be alongside those with other mental health problems - in the main. Some people have multiple problems & can have dementia and other mental health problems. There is another type of care home, more specialised that has an element of NHS funding that carers for people with a dual diagnosis and very high level of needs.

    Have you looked at Extra Care housing or Very Sheltered Housing - these are often very small flats with a kichen or kitchenette but also communual dining rooms & lougres. a Care service is provided according to need and it is a very safe , secure & supported housing complex. There are some of these especially for people who have dementia - either for single people or couples where only or sometimes both , hae dementia - not many of these - yet. some have assistive technology in too. Social Services can tell you where these are in your area.
     
  12. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    It doesn't seem to be any use me looking for anything. The place I saw yesterday would have been suitable I think, but whatever I think suitable my brother won't approve, and I can't do anything without his approval as he has the money to lend my mother so she can move before her house is sold. So I am just wasting my time and energy (and money) looking up places and sending off for brochures and phoning people and going around visiting and wasting managers' time too.

    Lila
     
  13. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Lila
    I'd just say that I would advise you to do what you are doing, as any caring person would.

    Then talk to your brother and don't anticipate what he might say.

    If he responds as you might expect, then you've been proved correct, but he should have the opportunity to damn himself from his own mouth.

    It is an awful situation and I feel for you.
     
  14. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I have kept him updated at every stage, perhaps too much so. I email details of every place I visit, asking what sort of questions he would like me to ask, etc. Then whatever I report back, well, I could post some of his replies in here ... then you wouldn't talk about me anticipating about what he says. But I don't suppose you'd want all that family correspondence in here.

    Lila
     
  15. Chris

    Chris Registered User

    May 20, 2003
    243
    Hello Lila

    I'm nervous to make suggestions as its impossible to know the situation of anyone posting on this forum but I guess by bringing all the possibilities that are out there - for people as they experience the very long dementia journey , in all its different phases, - they can pick and choose things that might help in individual circumstances. (Caring has ended for me now - although I still 'care' in a sense as work as a volunteer ).

    When I was caring for Mum - on occasions a light would suddenly come on (for me I mean ) - "Why didnt I see that before?" When under stress sometimes we dont see things we would normally.

    There were times when I didnt know what to do - Should Mum go to Dads funeral ? she wasnt speaking at that time - I didnt know what she knew, remembered etc etc everyone told me best if she didnt go - but it felt so wrong - but was I the daughter from hell if I took my Mum & something awful happened ? 2 days before , the curtain drew back - it was obvious - I had to ask her - I did & she spoke out, clear as a bell in a voice I'd long forgotten - First time in months - "I've got to be there" she said . I was on a high - Mum had spoken - really spoken - my 'old' Mum had come back to me - long enough for me to practically drag her to Managers office - I desperately needed him to hear this - to see Mum tallking & expressing an opinion - they had treated her as an injured baby - so caring but suffocating. Mums clear moment lasted long enough for her to raise her head & again say , looking into his eyes with a steely look (as if to say "I know you think I'm stupid and I'm not) , "I've got to be there". She didnt say anything else , except odd 'chatter' that was almost impossible to understand.

    I have no idea if this would be appropriate - but would your Mum like to see a new flat - could she say if she likes it or not ? Leaving her present home is of course a major life event - but, like with my Mum - perhaps you never know , she may have been thinking about this herself anyway - most of us know we may one day , need to downsize our houses - it may come as a relief for her - to have you organize it - but she may need to feel in total control of the situation - thats tricky when in reality others have to the leg work . A move like this , for anyone , has to feel a positive one for the person moving & others , - I guess its good if theres a positive reason for it - its easier to accept - to be nearer someone say , & not 'because I cant manage the house or garden anymore" .

    I hope this doesnt offend , it may be totally inappropriate , as Bruce , I can only relate my own experiences , for others to make what they will of them - I really feel for you & the stress you are under & hope it eases soon. Chris
     
  16. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I am glad your mother was able to speak enough to let you know she had to go to your father's funeral.

    We (mother and family) have been talking about this impending move, and most of the time my mother can express an opinion, but her opinion doesn't stay consistent for very long, she'll agree with the person who seems most powerful or the person she currently wishes to please, etc. Taking her to see these places would be very difficult, but she generally says that if my brother and I agree about a place she will agree too.

    Lila
     
  17. Chris

    Chris Registered User

    May 20, 2003
    243
    Good Luck and please keep in touch. Chris
     
  18. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    Thanks Chris

    Of course if she does go to a Care Home they would insist on seeing her and assessing her before accepting her, but these retirement places I have been looking at don't seem too fussy after all. My brother or I would be allowed to sign everything on her behalf, the manager doesn't have to see my mother, and she can have as many carers as she likes coming in, if she pays, or if Social Services agree to pay.

    It just depends on my brother agreeing!

    Lila
     
  19. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I am gradually finding my brother coming round to my point of view.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.