restless night

[Grandma Joan]

What help to expect from GP?
My Dad (age 90 mid stage DM) is constantly referring to "going home" and saying "my family will be wondering where I am"and "what will the neighours say about us living together" and as most of you have experienced - he has lived in this house for 30 years, his parents both died over 40 years ago and they have been married 64 years. Most of the time we cope with this by offering words of comfort about where all his family are now. Recently in this heat he has lost his appetite and now he is very restless at night, often getting out of bed and checking the house and saying he is hungry so my Mum leaves something out for him and he only takes one bite.

My Mum bless her is 89 herself and losing her sight and I am wondering now if this is getting all too much for her to cope with. I have read on here that maybe he needs more stimulus. My mother is not surprisingly exhausted with it all and finds it difficult to stay positive and provide the stimulation that he needs. We have booked him in for a day in a "dementia day care centre". We have been there for a couple of hours on several occasions with him and he enjoys it but we are worried he won't like it if we are not with him. He likes to be at home with people he knows.We will have to see.

Mum is now saying perhaps they both need to go into a home, it is a lot for her to deal with even though my sister and I are there to keep and eye and help almost daily she has to live with it constantly and at 89 that is a lot to ask.

We have always felt it was good for them to keep them living "independently" for as long as possible, but wonder whether we are nearing the next stage.

Also the GP is not very forthcoming with help. Mum called him last week and he took a wee sample to query a UtI and said Dad's blood pressure was low and would send a DN round to retake but she has not visited yet. What input should we be expecting from their GP at this stage?

Help!

 

[Butter]

This must be difficult for all of you - my first thought is the dementia home sounds excellent for your dad. My second thought is your mum may be absolutely fine if she gets a break.

Is it possible to protect her from herself? - sometimes people run themselves into the ground - and at 89 that seems to me a bit much. In hardening your heart a little and seeing your dad cared for, you may in fact benefit them both.

I wonder if she is suggesting she goes into the home too because she is a bit desperate.

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Hi,

I can't advise re: GP because I'm not sure where your parents live and I'm in Australia. However, I would like to offer some insight from our experience. Your family situation sounds quite similar to ours. My dad, 86, has advanced AD, and has been in a nursing home for 3 weeks, following a 4 week hospital stay. Prior to that he was at home with Mum, 82, as his carer and I went there every day to give as much help as I could, as well as my sister coming one day on the weekend.

I believe Mum battled on far too long, which has now compromised her health as well. In hindsight I believe we should not have continued caring for Dad at home for as long as we did, and, even though Mum had a great deal of help from my sister and myself, she still carried the greatest burden.

We still struggle daily with the decision we had to make and I have huge guilt and sadness at seeing Dad in the nursing home, even though it's a very modern one with good care. I still want to bring him home every day but he is now unable to stand or walk and is a very tall man, despite being skin and bone now. We have had to make the painful choice of putting Mum's needs above those of Dad because she has a quality of life he will never have.

I know of a couple who moved into assisted living because the wife's dementia was too much for her husband to handle her care alone. They live in a place with different levels of care and ageing in place, moving into higher levels of care as the wife's needs change. Perhaps this is something your mum needs now in order to preserve the health she has and also give the rest of the family peace of mind.

I wish you well in your decisions, it certainly is difficult but sometimes hard choices need to be made in order to do what's best for all parties.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[Grandma Joan]

Hi Stephanie
I have read your post with interest. Mum does still have a lust for life even though she is 89 and losing her sight and it would do her the world of good if she could have a break. But Dad gets very agitated if she is not around he asks where she is even if she goes to the kitchen for 10 minutes. It's such a difficult situation as we all know. I really appreciate your comments and so much of what you say makes sense. We will try this day centre this week and see what happens. One worry is that it will really upset him and make him even more unsettled at home but then again he will forget he's been once he gets home so it might be fine.

 

[lilysmybabypup]

How wonderful that your mum has all that energy at her age, I really admire that.

Your dad sounds so much like mine, he has always been very reliant on Mum and became upset if she was out of his sight for too long. We were very dubious about how he would handle a day centre, I was convinced he would refuse to go or need to come home early. It ended up being a real success, we called it his special lunch outing for seniors and the odd occasion when he wanted to go home was handled very deftly by the experienced staff. He went 2 days a week for about 18 months and only had one time they had to bring him home early and one time he wouldn't go because Mum wasn't going. I was very surprised that it went so well, so you might just find he responds well and I know your mum will really benefit from that time.

Good luck, Stephanie, xxx