Respite

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Rosie4u, Jul 11, 2018 at 9:28 AM.

  1. Rosie4u

    Rosie4u Registered User

    Jun 22, 2017
    157
    Female
    South Manchester
    I know this has been talked about many times on here before but I would appreciate any thoughts.
    In would like to have a few days / week at home by myself to sleep and potter aimlessly - actually to get some things done.
    My OH would need to go into respite and I know this will upset him - or think I do.
    I don’t want him to be put backwards but I think I need to sleep

    Thanks
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    4,547
    Female
    Scotland
    Find a good care home which does respite and come up with a good reason for him staying in this hotel, hospital, convalescent home. Tell him about it then don't mention it again until you are actually going there. Leave a big notice taped to where he can see it in the care home saying on which day and date you will be back to get him.

    Has worked for me on the last three spells of respite.
     
  3. highland girl

    highland girl Registered User

    Jul 30, 2017
    98
    Female
    Yorkshire
    I’m battling with this decision too, everyone’s telling me I need it but I’m struggling to come to terms with it, lots of people on here have gone/going through it so they may be able to offer you (and me) some good advice. I looked at a couple of care homes yesterday and was even more confused. Xxxx
     
  4. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    929
    I so understand, it is confusing looking at care homes. I never really knew what I was looking for. Warmest, all thoughts, Geraldine aka kindred.
     
  5. highland girl

    highland girl Registered User

    Jul 30, 2017
    98
    Female
    Yorkshire
    I was advised that they shouldn’t smell of wee!! However I visited two today one the staff were lovely interacting with the patients, everyone appeared happy and friendly and spoke to us as we were going round, but smelly! The other, no smells, much nicer building, but everyone appeared very reserved, nobody spoke to the manager as he was showing me around and I must admit it didn’t occur to me till after I didn’t get to see many patients. So smelly/friendly V non smelly more reserved, it is a mine field, oh and the friendly one you can visit at anytime, the other one you can but they prefer you to avoid mealtimes to avoid distractions. Xxx
     
  6. j261

    j261 Registered User

    Nov 28, 2016
    10
    Hi Highland girl, in my limited knowledge of care homes, I can only say that the first care home my MIL stayed in for respite was quite modern, nicely decorated, en suite rooms. However, I never felt that staff were particularly approachable and they were usually “short staffed”. The care was ok but not brilliant.

    My MIL’s current care home is not as aesthetically pleasing, and when we first arrived as an emergency, the room she was originally assigned was on the smelly side. However, before we could put her bags down, another room was sorted that was just fine. MIL’s room is sparse, quite basic but she does not notice these things. The care she receives is lovely, I know a lot of the carers names, they seem to really care about what they do. MIL has freshly cooked food, there are activities she is encouraged to join in with. One lady has her pet dog with her. I would advise to go with your gut, don’t look at the frills, as you could be paying for the decor and not the care. X
     
  7. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    6,203
    Yorkshire
    hi @Rosie4u
    if you need a break, definitely look into organising some respite, you as a person and a carer need to look after your own welfare and health
    your husband may or may not be happy about this but he will survive, indeed may enjoy his stay - I agree, discuss it with him as little as possible so that there's no chance of building up his resistance - and make up a cover story eg the boiler has packed up/some work needs to be done that will just cause lots of mess .... anything that you think he may latch on to positively
    have you had a carer's assessment by your Local Authority Adult Services as respite may be offered as a result of that, or as part of a care package after an assessment of your husband's care needs
    but, of course, if your husband is self funding, you can organise the respite yourself
    maybe this directory of local services on the main AS site will have something useful https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you#!/search
     
  8. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    11,784
    Female
    England

    marionq is right @Rosie4u, play it very low key and get it all arranged.If you manage to get a respite bed in a care home then you will see how the home runs and its either dismissed or listed as a probable home if one is ever needed in the future.

    You really do have to look after yourself and sleep depravation can cause you so many problems. if you health fails then there will be two people needing care. You need a break and a chance to recharge your batteries. If it does not work then you can always look at other options for the future.

    The main thing to remember is the respite is for you.

    Hope you manage to sort something.
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    66,160
    Kent
    Hello Rosie

    This is precisely what respite is about, to give carers a break, to enable them to recharge their batteries, to allow them some time for themselves, to enable them to get a good night`s sleep and to pass over the responsibility of 24/7 caring to others, just for a while.

    As marionq suggested, I told my husband the doctor said he needed convalescent care to build up his strength. Even in his dementia, he understood he wasn`t well and readily agreed.

    It was a bit of a shock for him to realise I wouldn`t be staying with him, but the care staff expected this and managed it well.

    My husband suffered no ill effects and wasn`t `put backwards`.

    I spent the week feeling wretched, even though I went to London with friends for a couple of nights to see a west end show.

    I hope you manage to get some respite and that it benefits you.

    Please let us know.
     
  10. Rosie4u

    Rosie4u Registered User

    Jun 22, 2017
    157
    Female
    South Manchester
    Thank you all so much.Im going to look at somewhere next week that is very local and hopefully can sort it out
     
  11. mumsgone

    mumsgone Registered User

    Dec 23, 2015
    63
    As i've said to many people you need to look after yourself as well as the other half. Go look at homes book oh in one that you find suitable and allow yourself to breathe. Do not feel guilty you are doing it for oh as much as for your sanity. You are allowed to live a little. Care staff, nurses etc do not work 24/7 like you do. Best wishes in your search xx
     
  12. Paperweight

    Paperweight Registered User

    May 8, 2018
    28
    Hi Rosie4u my oh has just come home from restpite .he was ok .he did have a couple of issues.but they were realy good with him .he will not sit down at all he wanders round all the time .i must say I was very unsettled it took me nearly all week .to settle .i think I will be better next time .i thought it would put him back but he is ok ,he has been to daycare today at same ch and he was fine when I picked him up.so do try it .i must admit it was lovely just having myself to get ready on a morning and go out and have coffe with my two sisters like everyone says we have to look after our selfs to carry on caring .l think you need to look for a EMI dementia unit .i tried one before and I think that's why it did not work it were just a residential home .i wish you luck and hope you can have a rest
     
  13. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    443
    Female
    Devon
    There are just a few places in the country, where you can 'go on holiday' with your PWD and stay self catering. During the day your PWD goes to the attached day care centre and you go out and enjoy yourself - which is a great idea I think......
     
  14. Rosie4u

    Rosie4u Registered User

    Jun 22, 2017
    157
    Female
    South Manchester
    That sounds good - Ill look for that
    Thanks
     
  15. Rosie4u

    Rosie4u Registered User

    Jun 22, 2017
    157
    Female
    South Manchester
    Yes a residential home wouldn't do for him as he needs looking after. Getting more restless by the day.
    Thanks
     
  16. Olliebeak

    Olliebeak Registered User

    Sep 13, 2014
    15
    Buckinghamshire

    Your post is just what I need this evening. I’ve just left my OH in a lovely care home for two weeks while I take a holiday and I am feeling really guilty. He was on board with going and spent a week there in April. Although he was agitated a few times last time and rang me several times to ask when I was getting him home, he did say it was a lovely place and lovely people so I booked this fortnight. The room he has this time is in the older part of the building and not as nice. No ensuit shower or phone land no view from the window as he had before. (It is cheaper but not that much). I have been so looking forward to this break but I feel like I’ve left him in prison.
     
  17. mumsgone

    mumsgone Registered User

    Dec 23, 2015
    63
    no you haven't left him in prison you have done the best for him so that you can recharge your batteries and enjoy a rest. we all need to have space for ourselves to regroup the brain cells to be able to carry on the wonderful work we all do. I'm sure he will have a fine fortnight if it's anything like where my dad is where they have daily entertainment it's like a cruise ship in dry dock lol. Enjoy yourself xx
     

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