1. Big "H"

    Big "H" Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    16
    Hi
    My Wife has today been admitted for Respite Care, as I broke down while the District Nurse and Macmillan Nurse were at my home,they between them set up Emergency Respite thankfully at the Home where she goes for Day Care and while I know I need a Break I feel Guilty for allowing her to Go, this is the first time she has been away from me in the 5 years since she was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia and I am sitting here wondering whether I should have agreed.It is only for 7 days but she will think it a lifetime!
    As anyone else gone through the same feelings?

    Big "H"
     
  2. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,051
    GLASGOW
    You sound as if you really need a break. Maybe forget about new year and get an early night and a worry free sleep. Your lovely lady is safe. Its a wee holiday for both of you.
     
  3. Caseys

    Caseys Registered User

    Dec 10, 2015
    37
    New to this but I think an important part of helping others is being able to take the time to care for yourself. Do that and when you feel stronger you will be better able to support her. Never feel guilty xx
     
  4. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,094
    Yorkshire
    Hi Big 'H'
    I really hope you were able to get a good night's sleep.
    I am amazed you have managed to care for your wife for 5 years without a break - what a wonderful husband you are.

    I don't think anyone accepts respite care without some of the feelings you are having. However, please keep in mind that both your District and Macmillan Nurse felt so strongly that you need a break that they acted immediately, so trust their experience.

    You must need some time to recharge your batteries. And you know the home your wife is in so you need have no worries about her care; she will be well looked after. Please put aside any guilt - you matter so much and need to recuperate; and your wife needs you fighting fit to continue your caring for her.

    I'm sure you will want to visit her - may I just gently request that you don't stay all day every day; it will be tempting, I know. The respite, though, is for you to have some time to rest and let your body relax while you aren't providing the physical day to day support - the care home will do all that, and you know it's familiar to your wife, so let them do their job. If you visit, just go for a short while and have some pleasant, stress free time together.

    I hope you have some support at home; maybe the respite break will give you a chance to consider having a bit more care at home, to keep you both well looked after.

    You did the right thing, Big 'H' :)

    Very best wishes
     
  5. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    We had a week rehab after a fall and I felt the same as you - I was worried and stressed for the first 24 hours but then I visited and she was really happy to see me but she was clearly very comfortable where she was and she showed me her room and the gardens - quite the Queen Bee!!! I was very relieved to have some time once I saw she was reasonably settled and I hope you will have some time for recharging and as Shedrech says perhaps you can get a carers assessment and have a few hours break each week (social services will do the carers assessment - give the adult duty desk a ring and tell them exactly what you told us in the first post and they will arrange it for you).

    She is safe and well looked after and she knows the home so have a stress free few days - it will soon disappear!!!
     
  6. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,349
    Merseyside
    Hope you're ok today Big H?
     
  7. Namrah

    Namrah Registered User

    Oct 17, 2015
    12
    You will be able to give more after a break, you are doing stirling work at the sound of it. Do look into regular support to help you both. I enjoy my dementia carers lunch x1 month where we share ideas and laugh and the absurdities we cope with without a second thought. Big hug.
     
  8. Big "H"

    Big "H" Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    16
    Carers Lunches

    Hi Namrah

    The Cares Lunches always fall on a day when Sue is at Home with me so unable to go

    Best Wishes for 2016

    Big "H"
     
  9. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,051
    GLASGOW
    How are you big h? Are yiu getting some rest and recovery? We are all thinking about you and your lovely lady.
     
  10. Big "H"

    Big "H" Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    16
    Returning Home

    Hi Quilty

    I did manage to get some rest as well as having Jobs done while Sue was away like having a New Carpet in the Kitchen, but it all fell apart when Sue came Home as she broke down and cried asking Why I had put her away? and it had been a long time away "7 Nights" this didn't help me at all!

    regards

    Big"H"
     
  11. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,051
    GLASGOW
    Im sorry big h. You need rest to keep going. Big hugs. I jope your feeling better.
     
  12. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,094
    Yorkshire
    Hi Big "H"
    respite must feel a little like a 2 edged sword

    you seem to have got a lot done, which must be satisfying; and had time to rest too
    so hopefully your batteries have recharged, which is what the respite was for

    I can only imagine what it must feel like to have your wife say that to you - please though, remember that the Nurses felt so strongly that YOU needed a break; sometimes you have to put yourself first to be able to continue caring, so do be ready to accept more support for you both

    I hope you swiftly settle back into being at home together

    best wishes
     
  13. PeterMD

    PeterMD Registered User

    Jan 1, 2016
    23
    N.IRELAND
    Have been caring for mother for 5 Years

    I'm scared of putting my mum for Respite in the fear they may never let her home again however I feel I have to do something as each day I'm dreading. Iv 2 brothers who offer no help and one sister who helps most Thursdays. But my mother's Alzheimer's now has reached the point where the most I can leave her for is a one minute visit to the toilet. I have a permanent headache from the constant repetitive questions and behaviours. My mum smoked 4 cigs a day now it's over 20 a day it's impossible to get her to sleep wow I could go on and on its Saturday and I haven't left this sofa in 5 years I use to love Saturdays not anymore.
     
  14. PeterMD

    PeterMD Registered User

    Jan 1, 2016
    23
    N.IRELAND
    just joined unsure how to navigate site

    Mother Alzheimer's for over 5 years becoming impossible iv 2 brothers who offer no help my sis helps most Thursdays, I feel defeated
     
  15. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    Peter
    Sounds to me as though the time has come to have some help - quite a bit of help actually and to begin to regain your life slowly bit by bit :)

    Have you had an assessment from social services? Could your mum go to a day centre? These are real sanity savers for a lot of people and mean that they can stay independent for longer. There are council run ones and AS run them too and Crossroads as well. It would give you a break from each other and you a life

    I hope you have had all the benefit checks - carers allowance (means tested) , attendance allowance (not means tested), council tax waiver ?

    A Carers Assessment for you to give you some sitting hours free and a break?

    This leaflet on compassionate communication is very useful - I found it very hard to master but I stuck it on my fridge to remind me every day and it really does work

    Do have a look at it
    http://www.ocagingservicescollabora...te-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.pdf

    And finally Age UK will help you with any forms and benefits and they send someone round free to do that 0800 169 2081 give them a ring they are open a lot and its a freephone number

    and the AS helpline are really good too
    Alzheimer's Society National Dementia Helpline 0300 222 1122 can provide information, support, guidance and signposting to other appropriate organisations.

    The Helpline is usually open from:
    9am - 8pm Monday to Wednesday
    9am - 5pm on Thursday and Friday
    10am - 4pm on Saturday and Sunday

    Whatever you decide to do you do need to do something - you sound, understandably depressed and you need a life too xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  16. PeterMD

    PeterMD Registered User

    Jan 1, 2016
    23
    N.IRELAND
    Fizzle Thank u

    Yes there is a day centre Mon to Fri a bus would pick up mother at 10am and leave her home at 3pm. It cost £3 only a day for a nice lunch plus they had outings. Unfortunately my mother would get into panics and cause bedlam, so I had to stop mum from going.

    Social services provide for me 2 4hour sits a week, I use this time to go to work, work has been very good and allowed me to reduce my hours.

    These 2 mornings don't seem like breaks anymore cus it all just starts again at 12noon I thought I could do this but after 5years and what feels like not a minute to think, even posting this message I'm replying to my mum's same questions about what to do with her tissue or does anyone visit today or am I going out. Powerful powerful powerful. Even to be able to watch a 30min tv show without interruption would be such a blessing but impossible.
     
  17. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    Peter, it sounds to me as if you're at the end of your tether. Five years is a big chunk of your life. Has the time come to place your mother in a CH?
     
  18. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    Just a thought could you ask your GP to help your mum with medication for the panic attacks so that she could access the day centre, sounds perfect for you.

    If this is not a great idea then perhaps respite would be good and then you could see how you both adjusted. If they don't feel she can live at home then they would help you with that decision too.

    Just a few thoughts x
     
  19. PeterMD

    PeterMD Registered User

    Jan 1, 2016
    23
    N.IRELAND
    medication

    Unfortunately my GP only gives my mother Aricept and no sleeping tabs cus he says my mum would lose her balance, so instead half a Quetiapine at night I said forget about the half at night cus they r imposs to cut without the other half being losses. But every month I ring up for repeat prescription it's the same thing it's only half one at night it's crazy really is plus they don't seem to work for sleep.
     
  20. PeterMD

    PeterMD Registered User

    Jan 1, 2016
    23
    N.IRELAND
    care home

    Truthfully I think about it every day and then I look at my mum and fight my way out of it.
     

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