• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

respite care

cbkell

Registered User
May 1, 2014
2
Hi, my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimers 5 years ago at the age of 66 & he now needs 24 hour care which I provide. I have been told by Social Services that I need/ would benefit from a short break. I agreed with them & they have arranged for him to have respite care for a week in November. However I am seriously thinking of cancelling this as I can't imagine how I will explain to him that I will be leaving him in the care of others. He sometime gets insecure and in difficult times has asked me ' not to put him away'
He has had a short stay in this care home before when I was admitted to hospital at short notice & he understood that it was an emergency then. It has been suggested that I tell him that it's hospital again but I couldn't deceive him or cause him to worry.

I have been invited to stay with a friend in Spain but how would I get him to understand?
I know that he would be well cared for but it's just the getting him there which is putting me off.
Has anyone had a similar problem?
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,841
London
Don't see it as deceiving him. See it as love lies that will benefit the two of you. I am afraid with dementia honesty isn't always the best option! You need the respite. I know we all worry about the person in our care, but we have to look after ourselves as well. If you suffer carers breakdown because you didn't take up the respite, you'll be far less useful to him and a care home might then become a permanent solution!
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,016
Scotland
Absolutely agree with Beate. If the thought that you have a hospital need reassures him it is temporary then truth or deceit doesn't come into it. You do what is best.

Enjoy your break. You may not get another one for a while.
 

cbkell

Registered User
May 1, 2014
2
Don't see it as deceiving him. See it as love lies that will benefit the two of you. I am afraid with dementia honesty isn't always the best option! You need the respite. I know we all worry about the person in our care, but we have to look after ourselves as well. If you suffer carers breakdown because you didn't take up the respite, you'll be far less useful to him and a care home might then become a permanent solution!
Thank you very much for the advice. It's nice to have such positive comments. I will not mention my plans until I have decided but I'm dreading it!
 

garnuft

Registered User
Sep 7, 2012
6,585
I agree with Jessbow and your initial concerns, it would be unfair to make him worry about your health, think of a good lie that is urgent but won't cause him to worry and stick to it.

Enjoy your break.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
4,774
Salford
Go ckbell, you may never get another chance. I'm sure if he understood that he'd want you to go too. Tell him the house needs repairs so he's going in a hotel for a week and you're going to stay with a friend until the roof/drains/water or whatever gets fixed.
Whilst I admire your wish to be honest with him sometimes telling something they'll find comforting is a kinder thing to do than telling them the exact truth.
You've done 5 years on the front line you're entitled to just a little break.
If you could turn back time to before he became ill and were to put the current situation to him as a hypothetical question do you think he'd say anything other than you should go? You know he'll be well taken care of so on the plane and don't beat yourself up with guilt while you're there.
One week in Spain to recharge your batteries can only help with the long haul ahead you owe it to yourself to go. Kev said so:)
Hasta la vista baby (to quote Arnold Schwarzenegger)
K
p.s. he's a very lucky man to have you as a wife
 
Last edited:

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
Hello cbkell my hubby is going in to a CH on Saturday for the first time for two weeks, l need the break have been caring for my hubby for 8yrs, l just keep telling him he is going on holiday, he doesn't understand what is going on as he has no mental capacity, so it makes it easier for me, l feel so worn out, looking forward to some me time, we have been married for 51yrs, l am sure it will be very hard for me. Thinking of yo
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
Please don't feel guilty!!!! I told John he was going to a hotel. Remember there are 3 sorts of lies: real lies, white lies and Alzheimer's lies. A real lie is completely forgetting someone's birthday, and asking them later if they liked your card. :eek:

A white lie is if a friend has a new hairdo, that she adores, but which you think makes her look like Pansy Potter. Would you hurt her feelings? No, so you join her in enthusing over this catastrophe. :)

An Alzheimer's lie, is anything you tell someone with AD that makes life easier for both of you. When John asked me, after nearly 50 years together, if I was "with child" (his exact words), I didn't point out that as (a) he'd had a vasectomy (b) I'd had a hysterectomy (c) we were both too old and (d) we hadn't had sex for yonks, it was impossible. I just murmured something like "I'm not sure". ;)

My long and gradual learning curve enabled me to eventually lie with ease, and didn't hurt anybody, but made life easier.
 

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