Respite care

[Kd13]

My father has become increasingly difficult, with daily verbal outbursts. My 80 year old mother is in tears now on a daily basis and is finding this increasingly difficult to cope with.
So much so she has decided she needs respite care which has been agreed, but on the understanding that my father agrees to this.
The problem is when you explain this to him, he is in total agreement, but is unable to retain the information and so forgets.

My question is if he agrees to go into respite for 2 weeks and then a day later is insistent he wants to go home, what can we do?
I know the care home won't keep him there against his will, but I am worried about the stress levels my mother is under if she does not get a break. Can he insist he comes home, even though he is unable to comprehend the reason he is in respite care or unable to retain the information once it is explained to him, even though it is in his best interest?

 

[oneloopylady]

My father has become increasingly difficult, with daily verbal outbursts. My 80 year old mother is in tears now on a daily basis and is finding this increasingly difficult to cope with.
So much so she has decided she needs respite care which has been agreed, but on the understanding that my father agrees to this.
The problem is when you explain this to him, he is in total agreement, but is unable to retain the information and so forgets.

My question is if he agrees to go into respite for 2 weeks and then a day later is insistent he wants to go home, what can we do?
I know the care home won't keep him there against his will, but I am worried about the stress levels my mother is under if she does not get a break. Can he insist he comes home, even though he is unable to comprehend the reason he is in respite care or unable to retain the information once it is explained to him, even though it is in his best interest?

Oh dear, sad situation for you all. If your dad has dementia, presumably he will go to an EMI/dementia home, and they are very used to residents who talk about/demand to go home all the time, so don't worry - they have ways of persuading them to stay, and making sure thay are safe and cannot walk out of the doors. Most of them have a coded door entry etc so he should be perfectly safe and staff there will know that your mum, and you, need a break, so they are unlikely to agree to him going home just because he asks. (If that were the case, I would get my dad back every day! lol)

Just make sure he goes to the right kind of facility - somewhere where staff understand his dementia needs and then you can concentrate on mum getting that well earned break.

All the best.

Hugs for you as you plan it all.
Trisha

 

[angecmc]

hi kd13, just to add your Mum has rights too, I would be telling Sw the problem with Dad and your fears that he will demand to come home, I would tell Sw that this would not be possible as your Mum is suffering from carer breakdown and you will refuse to allow him to come back until she has had her rest. Nobody can be forced to care for someone. It was while my Mum was in respite that my Dad decided he could no longer cope and he told Sw this and eventually after continually extending the respite, they made the move to care home permanent. Hope your poor Mum gets her deserved rest xx

Ange

 

[zeeeb]

Perhaps it needs to be you (or other family members) that takes him to the care home and leaves him there, while your mum takes her break. If she can't cope with leaving him there and saying that he has to stay, perhaps she needs someone who has the strength to do so, to actually do it. I hope she learns to let go, poor thing sounds like she needs a decent break.

 

[Witzend]

I am sure the CH staff will manage - they will be used to people asking or demanding to go home.

However if you are really worried I think I would be inclined to tell the CH that you (or someone else) is taking your mum away on a much needed break and so there will not be anyone at home for him to go to. They couldn't very well send anyone home to a empty house, esp. If there are no keys! However, I'm sure it wouldn't come to that. Good luck, I do hope your worries will be needless.

 

[Kd13]

Thanks all for your advice.
Spoke to the SW today and feel more confident the both she and the home will do all they can to persuade him to stay, and will call us to talk to him too so Mum gets her break.